The Angry Girl Narrative

Despite so many instances coming to light of various instances of abuse of power or even just wrong behaviour, there is still a label that gets attached to the person who holds their ground or pushes back against the wrong-doing. It’s mind-boggling. On the one hand, we’re told to stand up for ourselves but the very instant we hold our boundaries, all sorts gets thrown our way. I’ve recently had time to reflect on this and I realise that I’ve been labelled so many things, that for a long time, I even believed it. 

This labelling happens at home, among extended family, in church, amongst colleagues as well as other social groups of friends. They form a perception about you, which is wholly untrue because apart from projecting their own issues on to the problem at hand, they neglect the various other parts of you. I’m sick of it! So sick of it. 

When I was 17, I threw my 44 year old uncle out of our home on Christmas Day. He was trying to be overly friendly with my girlfriends, all of whom were my age! It was creepy. I felt “ignore him” was not a good response from the adults present and finally, I lost it with him. He left, tail between his legs. Our relationship has never really recovered. I’m not particularly torn up about it because his behaviour’s changed very little. Putting him aside, I remember the backlash I got from my other relatives. My parents sat me down to talk to me about this and finally in my desperation, I said “he was wrong!” My mum, who is my heart, said “I know.” Her voice was quiet and her manner intense. She told me that her only concern at this point was how people would view me. Even my dad agreed with her. They both said that I needed to prepare myself for a rather long ride ahead, because people would not see it as me doing doing the right thing but just a younger person behaving aggressively towards an older person. I remember this conversation with them very well. “Would you have me change?” I remember asking, sobbing away at this point. I loved their response. They both said that they wanted me to be true to what was right, to be ready to defend those who needed defending, but to also remember that it was a long, lonely road. My parents were so right. 

I have found out over the years that as I’ve stood up for things, or myself, the labels just kept getting slathered on. 

I once put a guy sitting on his motorbike into the drain. It was not done because I was looking for kicks. Rather, he was rude to me. “Fat girl, what you gonna do?” He sang it over and over again, loudly, even though I asked him to stop. He had parked his motorbike by the side of a rather big drain and was seated on it as he sang out his taunts for everyone to hear. I guess I showed him what I was going to do. With a kick that I think even Captain America would be proud of, I pushed his motorbike (with him on it), into the drain. The singing stopped. I walked home, with many onlookers just stopping to stare. No one thought it was necessary to look at him while he was taunting me loudly earlier. 

It’s never changed. In church, I feel like I’m on a ‘naughty step’ because I’ve stood up for certain things. Once it was how people serving in particular ministries were spoken to. I remember the heartache that these people endured because they shared their disappointments with me. But when I raised it, I was the ‘bad’ one. It’s not something I’ve recovered from (in terms of the label) and additional labels have been added to me for various stands taken. Even the ones who support me don’t help when they say “you really know how to give it!” That’s not the point of the exercise. That’s not who I am. It is yet another label.

I remember a victim of abuse speaking to a couple from our church. “I don’t want to go back to him (her husband)” she kept saying. She said it eight times. And each time, they brushed what she said aside to push reconciliation. Then I stepped in and the pushing stopped. It wasn’t done maliciously, I’m very sure of that. They were trying to help, but she was being dismissed. I was amazed that she wasn’t being listened to. She was clear. She didn’t want to go back to her husband. Why did it take me being super firm for it to stop? No one was listening.

I don’t go into a confrontation yelling and screaming to begin with. I actually have a rather soft voice, and by nature, I like dialogue more than anything else. But what I’ve realised over the years is, I get dismissed when I speak quietly. No one hears me until I yell. I am so tired of yelling. 

Additionally, I don’t believe on picking on every single thing. There are lots of things that I let slide. I would be incredibly wound up if I couldn’t do that. So there are points, when I think I won’t hold my ground or make a stand. The labelers don’t see this.

 I must say very clearly that I am tired of people labelling me for holding firm to my boundaries. 

When a part time helper broke something, I reached out to the friend who had introduced her to me to ask how they handled such things in their home. I was told to “go easy, tigress”. Why was I being labelled so? Does wanting to address a problem make me so aggressive? Am I supposed to pretend it didn’t happen? 

I am not seeking retaliation. No. I get annoyed with my Christian brothers and sisters who throw the “turn the other cheek” thing at me. I’m asking to address a problem. There is a difference between retaliation and addressing a problem. 

I believe in Jesus. I don’t ever want to pay someone back for a wrong. I don’t think this is what He wants me to do. I think though, that He wouldn’t be against me having a frank conversation with the person who has wronged me. I think it’s better than me running around saying a million things to different people. I think if the problem is addressed, we will either come to a point on which we agree or where we completely disagree. I think it is okay if we disagree at the end of that process. Perhaps, I have made a mistake and the other’s explanation helps me understand things. Perhaps they can’t accept that there is a mistake on their part. If the situation justifies it, I think it is okay to walk away from that person after that. 

I believe in Jesus. I need to start recognising myself in Him. I need to stop buying into these labels that people put on me, when I stand up for myself or something else. They are disillusioning and make me out to be someone I am not. I need to rest in Jesus’ acceptance of me. My parents were right: it can be that things get lonely when you stand up for things. However, it does get really bearable, when I remember that in Jesus, my acceptance is complete.