The Shame of Singleness

I am single. I’m no longer within the category of desirable marriageable age as far as women are concerned. The reality is, I am very single – not what I’d imagined I’d be at this time in my life. I did meet a man who I did fall in love with and who loved me back. We were …still are, incredibly compatible, but he’s not Christian. Hence, I’m still single. I’ve never really thought of myself as having the need to pen my thoughts on singleness and marriage. Yet, now I do. I feel an overwhelming urge to speak about it. I want to tell of my three levels of shame that I feel because I’m single.

The first and oldest source of my shame is that all those who labelled me as unattractive, overweight or just downright ugly seem to have won the argument. I’m not so sure I really want some of my tormentors to have the last say. It isn’t how I’d have planned it. I always thought that I would show them. That God would bail me out of this hell by sending me that amazing man who would put the lot of them to shame. Hah! It seems that God had other thoughts.

Before you start feeling sorry for me, do know that though I did go through a lot of torment in my younger years about my looks, a lot of that was dealt with by my mid to late twenties. Thanks to a godly mother who really laid into me what it was that made someone beautiful in God’s eyes. It’s not our figure or hair. Not our flawless skin or teeth. It’s not even our character – though as we become more Christ-like, we do become more beautiful to God. Our true beauty lies in His righteousness. There’s no messing with that! It doesn’t diminish with age or infirmity. His righteousness remains unblemished and He covers me with His righteousness by His grace. When I realized this, a lot changed. I stopped covering my smile because I knew it wasn’t the source of my beauty. I stopped wishing I was thin because I knew my body shape wasn’t the source of my beauty. I stopped feeling like I couldn’t be kind to men because I knew that their approval of me didn’t determine my beauty. So much did change for me. God’s Word is a living Word – I knew that then. It had radically changed something in me.

I wish I had been able to say a lot of these things earlier. I do realize that some wounds still needed to be healed. Knowing the truth and being able to apply it in my life didn’t always go hand in hand. Hence, there were moments when the approval of a man meant the world to me. When my mum passed, I lost the person who kept reminding me of the truths that I hope I’ve eloquently mentioned above. I did fall. I fell for a lovely non-Christian man in a way that I never should have. I was on top of the world. For a while, the tormentors were silenced. He was a good looking man. They couldn’t believe it. Neither could I. At this point, I was convinced that God’s plan was completely in sync with mine. Thankfully God is all wise and sent me a Christian brother – in the form of my pastor, to speak to me about this. I know it can’t have been easy for him to have spoken to me the way he did. But he did faithfully, gently and firmly hammer in the point that a marriage between a Christian and a non-Christian was not part of God’s will. I was referred to scripture and I argued back using old testament characters and their marriages. It took about a year and the Spirit broke through my stubbornness. I often look back at that time and think how I may have given Pharaoh some stiff competition in the stubbornness department! Eventually, I broke off the relationship. There was a lot of pain. I miss him still though it’s been many years. I knew then that I would always need to pray about my need for approval. I needed healing from this. Being able to speak about it this way shows me the progression of healing even on that score, though I’m acutely aware that I still have a long way to go and prayer can’t cease.

My second source of shame is when some of my Christian friends (not all…just some) speak of how being married makes you a better person because you’re forced to face your flaws and change. Sometimes they tell me how I should be praying for my Mr. Right to come along and they remind me how they keep praying for me that he does. They hold my hand and tell me that God will send me someone soon. Hah! Have I mentioned that God has other ideas?

Church would be a refuge, I thought, from any sort of shame on my singleness. So I thought. God showed me differently. I’ve been brought into contact with some really lovely married Christian friends who don’t realize how they wound us singles. Imagine being told that being married makes you a better person because your spouse helps to change you. Where does that leave the likes of the rest of us who aren’t married or likely to get married? We’re a class lower now. What does that say about a just God? Has He allowed a second class citizenship to be created within His family? No. God is just. Paul says it is better to be single (1 Corinthians 7:8). Why would he say that, if being single doesn’t bring about as much change as being married?  Think on this for a minute. Who does the changing of a heart or mind? It’s the Holy Spirit (2 Corinthians 5: 16-18; Psalm 51: 10; Jeremiah 24: 7; Romans 8: 9; John 7: 37 – 39; Romans 5: 5;  2 Corinthians 1: 22; Galatians 4: 6; Ephesians 3: 16-17; Colossians 1; 27; Galatians 5: 22 -23). The Holy Spirit changes our hearts and minds, not a spouse. If that were the case, what happens in instances when spouses manipulate, are selfish, unkind, lazy, etc.? Would they be changing the other for the worse? Then, wouldn’t that poor spouse who’s facing all this manipulation, selfishness, unkindness, laziness, etc. have been better off without getting married? That would make marriage a poor institution – which isn’t correct as it is a microcosm of the Trinity(Ephesians 5: 22 – 33)! Change is possible for ALL Christians, married or single. Indeed it is a must for all Christians (John 3: 6-8). We must grow to be more Christ like. This growth is only possible if it is brought about by the Holy Spirit. That is why we must be rooted in the Spirit. We must be like the tree planted on the banks of righteousness (Jeremiah 17: 8). That’s where our roots must be for indeed, that is how we start to produce fruit of the Spirit. Marriage and singleness are separate tools that the Holy Spirit uses to produce change in us. Let us not undervalue His power to do so. Let us not create a lower category of Christians – singles or a higher category – married people. Let us revel in both these states. In fact, let us use our states to uphold each other so that the Spirit can make us even more loving and Christ like.

I did say I had three sources of shame. My third and biggest source of shame is me when I let myself be affected by the words of my dreaded tormentors or my loving Christian friends. I should know better. All the things that I would count gain- the incredibly gorgeous man that would silence my tormentors and gain me glory and approval from all round or the man that would help shape me and make me a better person than I could possibly be right now – are indeed loss (Philippians 3: 7). Why? Jesus died for me. Will I find a man who would love me and serve me over and above this? No. I don’t want to pray in the manner Israel did when they asked for a human king to replace the true King. I’m a little worried about doing this – my sinfulness is great indeed. Would the approval from my community bring me contentment? I doubt it. We are demanding by nature. I would need to appease a subsequent demand from them to sustain further approval. I know that Jesus means I’m free from these judgments (Galatians 5: 1). There truly are no more demands or judgments on me. Jesus has taken it all on Himself. (Romans 3: 21-31; 1 Peter 2: 24; Isaiah 53: 5). There is only acceptance for me in Him. The God of the universe died for me to save me. Let me say that again: the God of the universe died for me to save me. Doesn’t that sound remarkable? Doesn’t it move my heart? He has given me His righteousness that I am accepted into His family (Romans 8: 17; Hebrews 9: 15; Galatians 3: 29: Romans 4: 13-17, Titus 3: 7; Galatians 4: 4-7). He has loved me and served me in a way that I know very well, I do not deserve. That is right… I do not deserve His love. He died for me while I was still His enemy. He died for me before He made changes in me. He accepted me as I was only to change me through His love and grace. He measures my successes by His act of love on the cross. Not by whether I’m married or single. When I remember this, I am ashamed that I let myself be shamed. So why do I let myself be shamed when it comes to my singleness? I am still a work in progress. I must not despair about that either. I must keep thinking on the truths I know. I must be real about the problems in singleness and marriage. I must not idolize any state or give undue importance to either of them. I must learn to embrace whichever state I’m in as a gift from God. I must remain teachable as a single or even if I ever get married. May you and I keep changing to be more like Jesus, and may God use my and your singleness or marriages for as long as He wishes it to display His glory in our lives.