I have COVID, and it has meant isolating for a few days. It has given me some time to reflect. This time last year was very difficult for me. I was being made redundant and the entire process of redundancy felt so very overwhelming.
One of the things that alerted me about the length of time that has passed, was a renewal notice for my website’s domain. At the time I’d signed up for it, with the help of a dear brother, I wasn’t sure of what I was going to do. I purely wanted to play around with things, see if I could come up with an idea, and he told me about the Black Friday deals. It made sense to take advantage of them. What was the worst that could happen? If nothing materialised, so be it.
In January this year, I went to Istanbul with some friends. It was a lovely trip, and although it feels so very far away, I remember clearly some of the things that I felt on the trip.
I felt that I was being challenged in my own mind. It had been some months since I’d started the job hunt, and so many things didn’t feel right. Offers that came my way, packages thrown at me for consideration – none of it felt right. This was odd, given that some of these were the kind of jobs I had long desired, and in locations that I had always wanted to be in. I had no peace with any of this.
At that point, I wished I was better at praying. I was so grateful for the fact that Jesus interceded for me. This was a big comfort because I was finding it hard to pray with all the distractions, and the tiredness that came about because of stress and worry. Now, a year later, I am again thankful for this same knowledge that I have.
I am so glad I have set up my own consultancy. I trust that this is where God has led me. I have felt a sense of purpose about my work, and a real sense of satisfaction that I had long forgotten. I wasn’t always happy in my last job. In fact, most of the time, I was frustrated and the sense of uselessness prevailed over me.
I hadn’t quite understood how disengaged I had become, thanks to countless U-turns and barriers at work. I wasn’t enjoying my work at all, and because I worked for a Christian organisation, the level of guilt that I felt was inexplicable.
Many a time, I wondered if I was disobeying God through my discontentment and dissatisfaction. I wondered if I was missing the point, and if I had to learn something, which I simply wasn’t yet learning.
It is funny how I fell into the thinking that God was maybe not happy with me, and therefore things were awry. That couldn’t be further from the truth, for the God I believe in isn’t petty. Yet, I started worrying for a moment about how I wasn’t praying enough, perhaps, or I was just not doing enough.
This was my frame of mind when I went to Istanbul. I saw and felt so much.
There is so much history in Istanbul – history that I think is riveting. I think the battle for Hagia Sophia, when the Ottomans conquered Istanbul, was mind blowing. It’s one of my favourite battle stories. I think the young Sultan Mehmet II was amazingly clever in how he took over the Hagia Sophia.
However, once the opulence of the Ottomans ended, it was such a difficult time of struggle for everyone in Turkey. Things never got back to the glory days, and then they were impacted very badly by the World Wars. It feels like the country has never recovered to its former self.
Yet, what did I see in Turkey? I saw people clinging to ways of life that they hold dear. There is a pride in the beauty of their lamps, carpets, and other craft. There is appreciation for their nature, including stray animals. It felt like all their dogs and cats were on steroids! There is high esteem for the tea mixes that they put together, the sweets that are made, and the spices that are sold. It was beautiful.
It made me reflect on my own faith. Life isn’t always kind. There has been so much loss in my life. For me, losing mummy was devastating. I never expected to go through such devastation again when I lost papa. In between, there was some sort of recovery, but never to the point that it was before she passed on.
Now, I find myself trying to keep going. As I try to grow a business, I feel a deep sense of sorrow for the loss of my home. I feel despair at points, because there is no turning back the clock to happier days, when I sat with my parents, and then for many years – with just my dad, discussing something or other.
There is a sense of past glory. How it all used to be. There were great conversations. We spent time together. We fought. We laughed. It’s all gone.
Yet, I have a sense of pride about my home. I want to go on making sure that friends and family are welcome. I never want this to end. I want to always be a good host. I want to do a good job at work – even if I don’t have my mum and dad to talk to about this. I want to have a sense of enjoyment.
Setting up my own consultancy, has given me this sense of satisfaction at work. I suddenly feel useful again. It was sheer grace from God that helped me author a book in 3.5 months. It was His grace that opened the doors to the esteemed publishers that immediately offered me a publishing contract.
It is His grace alone that has kept my RA at bay while I have worked on my book, my website, and on trying to get myself out there. I have even launched a podcast. Sheer grace.
I know it isn’t the strength of my prayers that’s doing this. Sometimes, I’m so sad when I go to sleep that I cry. Gamora licks my tears, and I fall asleep. I forget to pray. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed by the difficulty of it all. I say a quick 5-second prayer. So heartfelt. Not!
I know full well that my discipline, my fervor, and consistency in my prayers have been in absolute shambles. I am exhausted. I no longer have my parents covering me in prayer. Yet, I know that in this regard, I don’t just have a vague idea of some glory days, I have a living Saviour. Jesus intercedes for me.
Fact – I have quite a bit to do to grow my business. Fact – I am dependent on God for grace. Fact – I cannot earn this grace. I keep failing. Fact – I don’t have to earn this grace. It has been given to me so freely.
I didn’t fully have the words to put to what I witnessed in Istanbul in January, and the realizations it invoked in me. But sometime in April, when our church did the book of Ruth, I understood my reality. God’s kindness to Ruth and Naomi is hard to fathom. In the beginning, even Naomi doubts it. She hasn’t been faithful.
Yet, God’s blessing comes upon Naomi (through Ruth) even though she had ventured far from His blessing. This faithfulness extends to all believers now. All of us who were ‘far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ’ (Ephesians 2:12 – 13).
I feel like I have been granted the same grace, if not more. I would be remiss if I fail to recognize God’s loyal kindness in my life. I don’t think that the messiness of life, or its meanness, and sorrows will ever stop His grace. It is because of the lows, that the highs become even more obvious. And for this, I am so grateful.
Whilst I hope that my prayer life improves, and that I get better at doing some of the things that I should, my ultimate prayer is this: that I always recognize the grace that is in my life and that forms my reality, and that I hold firm to this, despite the heartbreaking loss of home that I feel.
Papa and mummy, this would’ve been a wonderful conversation to have had with you. I miss you.
Grace for the soul 