Grace for the soul

Category: Uncategorized

  • Gamora Tears

    What brings a tear of joy to your eye?

    My pooch- Gamora, causes me to tear up!

    I never thought I’d have another dog. Not after how Loki died. Having to put him down at the tender age of three because of all sorts of trauma related issues, which were making it impossible for him to eat and drink or be around people, was such an awful experience. I didn’t want another pooch.

    In February 2023, I was asked if I’d have a look at a litter of pups. The breeder lived nearby. Their intention was to breed pugs and dachshunds, but they hadn’t counted on Gamora’s pug daddy and dachshund mum to fall in love and somehow get together! The litter was adorable and there was ‘happy family’ written all over the pics and vids I saw.

    I went to have a look at Gamora’s brother. I’d only ever had male pooches and I thought I’d get another male if at all I got one. I did catch a glimpse of Gamora when I went but she was kept away from her brother and me during my visit. Her brother was adorable, and as much as I enjoyed carrying him, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something wasn’t right.

    I didn’t take Gamora’s brother and I thought maybe I should just not have a pup. Then, an uncle died and as my dad and I got back after the wake, I said how I missed the greeting that only a pup can give. My dad asked me to rethink getting a pup and the week after the funeral, I went back to the breeder.

    This time, Gamora was in the pen. There had been a potential booking for her brother and the breeder decided that I should consider taking Gamora. When I went to the pen, Gamora’s brother, recognised me and started to run towards me.

    I hadn’t counted on Gamora recognising me too! She did something remarkable. She started running, building up as much speed as her little legs and puppyish clumsiness would allow, and pushed her brother out of the way. She continued another full circle as her brother tried to get up and continue his progress towards me, and knocked him off again. It was fascinating! She then came full charge at me, jumped up with her paws on my shins and waited to be carried.

    That was the first time Gamora brought tears of joy to me. There have been many instances since.

    Her love of gardening, which is perhaps not conducive to my gardening hopes, just makes me smile. When she sees me admiring flowers, she tries to add to the joy by biting off the flowers and laying them on the ground! She does this with great skill for even the pots are bigger than she is!

    Her love for cuddles and spending time splooting in bed as she cosies up to me, or snuggling in what seem like the most uncomfortable positions often make me tear up!

    Lately, she’s taken to wanting back rubs- and she holds you fast in her gaze. That gaze of hers almost always brings tears to my eyes. It reminds me of her focus, her observation, and her uncompromising ‘you’re going to love me as much as I love you’ attitude. I find myself brining up with joy over this four-legged, barrel-bellied, floppy eared pup!

    Mama loves you, Gamora!

  • Pathways to Thriving

    Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.

    All of August 2025, I have been busy working on my upcoming podcast, Pathways to Thriving. The idea for my podcast is to interview people who are thriving in their work, but whose voices aren’t usually heard.

    My hope is that a truly diverse picture will emerge through the contributions from my podcast. Thriving looks different for every single person. And that is okay! In fact, it is beautiful.

    I started off the interviews by interviewing a friend of mine, Daniel. There is something very modest about Daniel and it comes across only to magnify the importance of what it is he has to say! His prowess in legal education and his love for it, showed up during the interview. I loved it.

    Another interview was with a really good girlfriend of mine, Rajash. It has been a joy seeing Rajash navigate her own law firm. She’s been one busy bunny, and the kind of things she’s been involved in from a legal standpoint, has been nothing but spectacular. I’m inspired by her!

    The third person I interviewed was someone I met on LinkedIn. She was incredibly fascinating. It was so gratifying to see a Chief Human Resource Officer really bring people into the heart of leadership. I had goosebumps during the interview!

    The fourth but not the last, is an old friend, Bassl. I met Bassl in 2008 when I was teaching English! He came to Malaysia as a student and I have to say he was one of the most hardworking people I ever met! I’m a few years older and we got on well. Over the years, I’ve got to know his wife and kids. While Bassl was in Malaysia on holiday, I snatched a moment to interview him. I had a sense of pride listening to him answer questions. He has grown a business and is doing well. His family is being cared for and loved. The challenges he faced to get there- he just overcame by sheer persistence.

    I’ve been buzzing since starting these interviews. The joy, inspiration, and pride that I feel from these individuals – I cannot speak enough of! I’ve got more interviews lined up.

    Pathways to Thriving launches on 2 September. If you’re interested in catching it, follow me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/anita-stephen-1a800041

    If you enjoy the interview – I am so nervous in the first one, but it gets better in the second and so on (I think!), please help me grow this initiative by liking and subscribing to the channel. There should also be an opportunity to put forward suggestions of people I can interview (am happy to interview them via Zoom as well!).

    Tune in to the first interview with Daniel being launched on 2 September 2025!

  • Savoury-cheese muffins!

    What was the last thing you searched for online? Why were you looking for it?

    It’s amusing me that I’ve literally just placed an order for groceries to be delivered and I see today’s prompt. I was shopping for a little gathering I’m hosting for some friends, to celebrate having finished writing a book.

    My book will only be published next August. At the moment, it’s me waiting for the editors to come back to me with their comments. It’s a little nerve-wracking, if I’m honest, but also very exciting!

    My book is on kindness in leadership and at the workplace. It feels like a commitment to what I’m doing for work in coaching and people development. I want to make the workplace better!

    I’m not sure if I’m being idealistic, but as I’ve spent time thinking, I realise I love working. I love work – there, I’ve said it again! The times I’ve loved working have been when I’ve had good leaders and wonderful workplaces. Kindness was key.

    If you’d asked me even in March this year, before I set up my coaching consultancy, I’d probably have told you that I wanted to write a book but was having trouble narrowing down what to write about. I pinned myself down for fiction. Never thought I had the chops for anything nonfiction.

    The kind of clarity I had at the point of setting up the consultancy, was astounding. I felt like God kept extending me grace after grace to make decisions and do things. Once the launch and the paperwork for setting up were done, I thought I’d take a moment to reflect.

    Time wise, this was about five weeks after the launch. I had also started speaking to clients and trying to get myself going a wee bit more on LinkedIn. That’s when the writing started.

    I didn’t even think I was going to write on such and such a topic. The words flowed and I faithfully typed them into my MacBook. This is why it feels like God guided me through this. Before I knew it, in May, I had almost 30,000 words.

    At that point, I took the chance and wrote in to a publisher. Their automated response was heartbreaking. It said they’d respond in six months and if you didn’t hear from them by then, to take it as they weren’t interested. It was a cruel reality. But still I kept writing.

    Three or four days later, there was a response. One thing led to another, and I was offered a publishing contract. I boldly set my deadline as 31 July. Boy, did it feel overwhelming at points!

    I wrote and wrote and wrote. God just kept pouring out grace. People understood when I couldn’t meet up, I could focus, and the words just kept coming. I couldn’t believe how memories of all sorts of incidents became alive in my mind. It was sheer grace.

    What has all this got to do with why I was looking at a savoury cheese muffin recipe? Well, I’m celebrating! On 30 August, a few friends are coming by for dinner. It’s just a handful of us and I want to cook. They’re celebrating the fact that the book got written, with me! I’m planning to try these savoury cheese muffins as little starter bites. If they work well and don’t take too long, I may think about making them for 5 September, when my family comes over for a potluck gathering, to celebrate with me.

    I wish that my dad was around to see this. He knew I’d wanted to write but I couldn’t say what. I wish my mum could see this. She always said I had a book in me. As I celebrate with family and friends, I’ll be holding my dad and mum close to my heart.

    So now that I’ve answered this, it’s back to studying the recipe so that I can make it work!

  • The time when…

    What’s your favorite time of day?

    I’m quite sure that I don’t have a fixed time of the day that I enjoy most. I’m neither a morning person nor a night owl. I can be either when the situation calls for it. There doesn’t feel like a particular effort for either!

    I know from observation of self that I do have times when I feel a deep sense of joy. I can broadly categorise these as follows:

    When I feel a sense of oneness with myself. This can happen at any time of the day. Often it happens when I’m out for a walk with my pooch, Gamora. Gamora is delightful. When we go to the park, she becomes a burst of energy. Initially, I feel like I need to manage that and get her calm. But once we hit that calm and our walk is in stride, then it’s perfection. I feel that I can take in all the colours of nature within the park. It tends to feel like all the flowers pop, and even the sounds of squirrels and whatnots are pleasantly playing in the background. I don’t have any outside noise in my mind, and I love the focus on what matters most to me- usually it’s remembering God’s goodness, the calmness of my breathing, the joyfulness in Gamora’s step, and our glorious park coming alive.

    When I’m anticipating the arrival of family or friends into my home. When my parents were alive, I especially enjoyed the times we had get togethers in our home with family and friends. This feels like a big part of my DNA. Even a friend saying they’re dropping in for a coffee, makes the time feel special and fulfilling. It doesn’t have to be a grand celebration. These days, my parents are no longer with me, and home feels so quiet every single day. That is until I know someone’s popping by. Then it feels like my home feels a sense of joy once again. I love welcoming my family and friends. The build up to their arrival is wonderful and is always a good time.

    When I’m in my garden with Gamora. Little Gamora features again. After my dad’s passing in 2023, I started doing a bit more gardening. He was always the one who managed the garden, and I never felt inclined. Now, I enjoy the times I go into the garden just to water the plants and throw the ball around for Gamora. She’s so silly. All I need to say is ‘Will you help me?’ And she’s off! She’s ready to do whatever- and as I water the plants, her help includes bringing me the ball to throw for her to chase, and barking at pigeons or any other pest that tries to come into our garden. Sometimes, she stops and smells the flowers, though I worry about that one. When she does that, she also has the tendency of biting off every flower and laying it by the pot. She makes me laugh when she does that because she seems so pleased by her efforts.

    When I’m working on something and it’s all coming together. This is one of the best feelings ever! When I was in legal practice, it would be when the research showed me something I needed or when an argument started to form clearly in my mind. When I taught English, it was when I fell in love with the lesson I was prepping. When I moved into corporate training, it was a similar feeling – I get so pleased with something I’ve prepped. When I’m coaching, it’s when I’m reading up on how to be a better coach or finding that I’ve been truly present with a client. That gives me such joy!

    My favourite times of the day don’t depend on clocks. They depend on the heart!

  • Grieving Papa

    23 August 2025, will be exactly two years to the day that I found my dad unresponsive. Whilst I knew instantaneously that he was gone, simply because of how cold he was to my touch, my mind kept telling me that there was faint breathing. All I needed to do was to get the ambulance in quickly and they would revive him. 

    None of that happened. I mean, the ambulance arrived quickly, but the paramedics pronounced his passing. The chill that I felt at that point is something I vividly remember. 

    Things needed to be done. A funeral had to be organised. Over here, we do it all quite quickly. Family and friends had started turning up. It was happening. My dad had passed away. 

    It still feels unreal. I come home from a work meeting, the park, or from just having been out, fully expectant to see him at home, probably with his nose buried in one of his Extreme Sudoku books. It would be great to just have the summary of news given to me, with the perfect amount of detail. I miss all this a lot. Every time I realise that he’s really not around, my heart breaks. 

    This time, there is a difference in how I’m grieving. When I lost mum, I didn’t even realise that grief had hit me that hard. I didn’t know what I was going through. I knew I was sad, but I thought it’d be a few months and I’d be over it. 

    I never expected the other effects alongside the grief to take hold either. Suppressed grief isn’t healthy. 

    Seventeen years and seven months after losing my mum, losing my dad shocked me. I didn’t expect to ever feel such pain again. I never considered that my heart could be broken that badly again. 

    Yet, this time, it is different. This time, I know what I’m going through. I’ve been able to get the help I need and I do exactly what I need to whenever a wave of emotions come over me. This time, my grief has a voice. 

    What does this mean for me? It means I’m able to show up and be present. I’ve set up a business and have been busy with that. I’ve even managed to write a book! Am waiting for the editors now. It’s so much more activity than I could previously manage. 

    It’s not that I miss my dad less. Not at all. I feel a deep pain when I think about him and often I have to take little moments to shed tears or sit with the pain. It hurts so much not having him here. The devastation in my home caused by his absence is obvious to me. The struggle I face planning my ins and outs with all that I need to manage is tough to deal with. Celebrations with the extended family reminds me of what I’ve lost. The coming together of friends reveals to me another change in what I shared with papa. It hurts so much. It hurts so badly. 

    What is different this time is that I’ve been fully aware of how present God has been with me, helping me process the implications of my loss and what they mean for me. God’s good with grief. He never rushes us through it. He lets me have my moment, and I tend to remember how Jesus wept in the times I cry. 

    This is a pain we were never meant to be okay with. This is a pain that God never intended for us. My thoughts inevitably go to Jesus’ death and resurrection. I believe He was the perfect sacrifice and atonement for sin. My parents believed this too. So I know I will see them again. 

    Taking the moments the way I have been, have helped me remember these truths. They have been so helpful. They don’t numb the pain. Rather they help me channel it through the lens of God’s sacrificial love and mercy for us. 

    This is why I am calmer, more accepting, and am not spiralling from this pain. The way I eventually learnt to grieve my mum, has really helped me with the loss of my dad. 

    Sometimes, though, as I think back, I remember too how much my dad tried to prepare me for his passing. I’d never want to discuss it, but he kept speaking about it and reminding me not to stop living. He reminded me too that one day we would all be reunited. It brings tears to my eyes as I remember him doing this. 

    I think my father would be proud of me – especially with the business and the book. I remember how excited he was when I first told him I wanted to write a book – just that I didn’t know what to write about! He reminded me that my mum always said I’d be able to write one. 

    Two years later- and the rhythm in my home is still unsettled. Gamora doesn’t have her granddad to help out when her mama needs to go out for the day. Others come to the rescue -and we are grateful. However, it is a reminder that our home is not as it was. 

    Two years down the road, my Lombok creeper flowers magnificently. I feel God communicating with me through this – perhaps a response to many whispered prayers about how I’ll know He’s there since papa’s not here anymore – if He lets it flower. It flowers constantly. I hold to this like a child- it’s not what is promised!

    Two years ago today, I lost my entire home. My broken heart broke all over again. Thankfully, this time, I’ve been able to keep my voice. I’m thankful to God for the father He blessed me with. I will always speak of my God and the many blessings He bestowed upon me.

    I miss you, papa. 

    A celebration!
    Our last Christmas -December 2022

  • Fear

    The sensation within was inescapable. Beads of sweat were forming on the temples of her forehead and she distinctly felt the chill of cold sweat running down her back. What could she do in this moment? Her father wasn’t breathing, or maybe it was that his breath was so faint. Of course, it was faint. Nothing else.

    She grabbed her phone and called 911. The operator sounded calm and she could feel the contrast in her voice when asking for help, which was shrill and stressed. ‘My dad’s not breathing. Please send an ambulance- quickly!’ By this time, she felt her hands and feet going ice cold. Odd to be feeling cold in the middle of the heat in the tropics.

    She ran back to her dad. ‘Papa, wake up!’ As she pleaded with him urgently to please wake up, she couldn’t help but notice that even with her cold hands, she could feel the iciness of his. Not a good sign.

    She had called her aunt. ‘Come quick!’ She had also somehow sent out a few WhatsApp messages to her pastor and to some other friends and family. She needed someone else to come and help her. ‘Please God, please God…’ she heard herself saying as the heat from her tears stung her eyes. ‘Please God, don’t let this be happening.’ She felt exhausted and beaten. ‘Come on, papa! Come on!’

    She was losing her father.’ There it was again, a distinct chill, gripping her. She was furious with herself. The stupid RA that she struggled with meant she couldn’t kneel.  She needed to kneel. She knew if she attempted it, she would suffer a fall. It wasn’t the time for a taking attention away from papa. She had to be okay to do anything that was needed.

    She hovered over her dad and tried to feel his breath. Nothing, but if she could only kneel, she was sure she would catch the faintness of his breath. ‘Hold on, papa. The ambulance is on its way. Hold on… please. Oh God, oh God…’ She felt the need to do more. Maybe she should rub papa’s hands. Yes. The warmth would help make him feel better. She took his hand in hers, noticing again the icy feel to them. She would warm them. She rubbed his hands with all the energy she could muster. That would definitely help.

    Her pastor called. She answered his call. ‘Can you get a pulse?’ She tried to get a pulse again. ‘I can’t feel anything,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘It’s too faint. Even his breathing is very faith.’ She couldn’t hear his reply because her voice kept repeating in her head – ‘it’s faint, it’s faint. oh God, please let it be faint.’ She couldn’t remember how the call ended.

    She knew she wanted to keep the line free in case the ambulance drivers needed directions. A momentary stress hit her. The recent changes in road names and how areas were being reassigned meant that her address wasn’t always clearly picked up by the GPS. ‘Oh God, please let that not happen. If they get here early, they can revive him.

    Why is he so cold?’ She resumed the rubbing of his hands and moved to his feet as well. He was ice cold, and his skin refused to warm up. ‘Come on papa… come on…hold on.’

    She kept beating down the rising dread. No, she wouldn’t give in. The ambulance guys would revive him They would revive him. Surely, they would. They would come and they would make it okay. He may need to be in hospital for oxygen. ‘Oh God, oh God…help.’ She knew she would do whatever it took to nurse him back to health.

    Just two months prior, they’d celebrated his nineth birthday. It’d all been so wonderful and beautiful. They were surrounded by family and friends. He’d been so happy. He’d felt loved and there was a sense of satisfaction being celebrated that way. ‘Oh papa, please don’t do this. Just open your eyes a little, please!’ She almost screamed that out.

    The tension in her voice was clear. She called 911 again. ‘The ambulance is on its way, miss. Can you get a pulse?’ Why did everyone keep asking her about a pulse? She only knew how the pulse was taken from watching TV. Half the time those types of things weren’t accurate.

    ‘Papa is breathing faintly. Faint – but breathing. That became her mantra. He was breathing. He was. They will revive him. Oh God. oh God…help. I better open the gate so they can come in.’ Yes, she needed to have everything in place so that there’d be no hurdles for the paramedics.

    She loathed to leave her dad even for a second, but she needed to be brave and do this. No delays for the ambulance guys. Smooth the way. She opened the gate and left everything wide open. They knew to come in straight away.

    As she turned to walk in, she could see her aunt and some neighbours arriving. ‘I think he’s breathing but very faint. Very faint.’ Her voice sounded unconvincing to her. Never mind, they would see what she meant. They would confirm that the paramedics would revive him.

    If only she had heard him go down. If only she had been there at that moment, his breathing wouldn’t have got so faint. ‘Oh God… please, help. Let him be okay.’

    The ambulance arrived as she was walking back into the house with her aunt and neighbours. She saw them jump out of the ambulance with a few things in hand. ‘Good,’ she thought. They would revive him. ‘Bapa di dalam bilik. Masuk terus, cepat, cepat.’ She heard herself calling out to the guys in Malay, just in case they didn’t speak English well. ‘My dad’s in the room. Just go inside, quick, quick.’ She ran in behind them. They were going to revive him.

    She felt a sense of relief that they’d got there so quickly. She’d need to go with them in the ambulance. She wanted to be with papa all the way. Instinctively, she grabbed her purse and phone. She would need that. ‘Thank you, God. They’re going to revive him. They’re going to …’

    She noticed her neighbour shaking his head. Why? They were going to revive papa. She felt the chill return. A strong dread gripped her. Her hands were so cold and she was alive. Papa’s breathing was faint. They would revive him. Surely. ‘Oh God, oh God, help.’  Why was there no rush. The paramedics should be dashing out with him. They needed to get him to the hospital.

    Another chill came over her body. Her knees felt weak and she was desperate to sit down. She looked over at her aunt, a sense of confusion, worry, and pain hitting her at once. Why were there tears running down her aunt’s face? What was going on? Why weren’t the ambulance guys rushing papa to the hospital? ‘I’m so sorry…,’ and with that her aunt burst into sobs.

    Her neighbour stood by papa and put his hand on papa’s hands. Finally, someone was trying to warm papa’s hands! Finally. ‘I’m sorry for you…,’ her neighbour had turned his face towards her. She couldn’t understand all that was being said to her. What was with all the hushed tones?

    The chill she felt intensified. The paramedic walked up to her. He was saying something but she couldn’t understand. She took the pen he handed her and signed the document he placed before her. Her world had just crashed.

  • Carrying Faith

    What is the most important thing to carry with you all the time?

    I’ve made some boo boos in the past, where I’ve left my purse at home. At least these days, if you have your phone with you, you have the option of cashless payments. It is pretty cool!

    In the past, I’ve had to call a friend or two to come rescue me. Had it not been for these good Samaritans, leaving the car park I was in would’ve been a challenge as we needed to pay by cash or coins.

    In light of these experiences, it’s easy to think that either my purse or my phone are the most important things for me to carry around with me. Yet, they aren’t!

    My faith is. My faith is grounded in Jesus. He is my Lord and Saviour. He is my all.

    I recognise that I might sound flighty saying that all I need is my faith. However, it is true. I don’t base this on some magical tricks or emotional manipulation. Quite the contrary.

    I base my faith on what I read in the Bible. Often the veracity of the Bible is in itself called into question. Better researchers and writers than I am have written good and cogent arguments about why it is reliable.

    I’ve read some of the arguments against the reliability of the Bible as well as these arguments in favour of and I trust the latter.

    Faith is a gift from God- so we are told (Ephesians 2: 8-9). It is a gracious gift too, because it saves. The reminder is that we are saved by faith and not by our works.

    My faith is often weak. It is often full of doubt. It’s also not always fed the right things. Thankfully, the object of my faith- Jesus, is strong. He is all wise and all knowing. There’s no doubt in Him. He’s the bread of life. My faith needs to be fed on Him.

    Because the object of my faith is immovable, my faith is strong. I can see why sometimes friends tell me this. Yet, it is a gift. It isn’t something I have earned or saved up for. I am eternally grateful for this, because my faith really does need an anchor.

    It is this faith that sustains me. Sometimes when I go out, I forget it’s with me. These are trying times. I feel threatened by someone’s words or actions, a situation brings me down, and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness seem to wrestle for command at the helm.

    I’m always thankful when in the midst of this turmoil, I remember this faith that I carry. I remember it leads me to the supreme God, who amazingly, cares for me – despite the smallness of myself and my world.

    There is nothing that I would say is more important than this. I believe I need to empty my pockets to make space for my faith. I should let it grow. Really, it is all I need when I consider all things 🙏🏾

  • The Tension of Joy and Sorrow

    It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write a blog. This is because I’ve been writing a book! It’s exciting and I’m hopeful as there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve had a bit of a strange period too. It’s been a touch of illness here, an eye that got infected, and the threat of an RA flare, all of which seem to have subsided. Good thing too. It has meant I could get on with the work I’ve been needing to do. 

    One thing that has happened is the chance to hang out with my family. It was a cousin’s birthday recently, and she had a party at the bowling alley. I love bowling, even though I’m a rubbish bowler. It was heaps of fun being on the ‘longkang’ (which means drain) team. We called ourselves that because almost all of us sent our bowling balls down the gutters most of the time. In the course of the evening, I managed a couple of strikes. Yay! But my lovely cousin only videoed the ‘longkang’ shot. Duh! 

    It was lovely coming together the way we did to celebrate her. It brings out a lot of nostalgia within me because this is what our family is really good at- celebrating. And I think it is a very good thing.

    Today, a couple of my cousins and I met. One of them is down from Switzerland with her husband, and we had a lovely lunch in Chinatown, which is undergoing a major facelift and looks amazing. It was a lovely time. We chatted about all sorts of things. I found out that an uncle had had a fall. That was worrying, but thank God he is okay. I had the chance to catch him on the phone later, and he acknowledged the fright he had when he fell. 

    All the ups and downs (sometimes literal) is making me think. I am a little emotional too, as I have a birthday around the corner. I’ll have friends and family popping by, and it will be lovely. But I think I’ll be holding a tension in my heart. I am holding it now. For me, I’m missing my parents. Gosh- how I miss them. It’s hard to explain the feelings inside. 

    I think it’s important to explain. It sometimes sounds depressing when I speak of loss. And, the truth is, loss hurts. When you lose a big part of yourself, there’s a part of you that dies. The way that person made you feel and behave is gone. It isn’t something you can get back. 

    It wouldn’t be helpful if I left it just there. I’m looking at joy, which is the other part of the tension I feel. There is joy because of the friends and family that I have around me. I’m thinking of the friend who’s going through a season of caring for an ageing mum. I can’t help but be proud of her for how she’s handling it, even with her fears that she could lose her mum soon. Some other friends are simply inspiring. It’s unbelievable to see how challenges with depression and anxiety haven’t stopped them in their tracks. They keep going. 

    Then, there are the ones who are just constantly giving of themselves. Goodness. I’m overwhelmed. It sometimes feels as if they don’t have anything left in the tank for themselves. We have nicknamed some as ‘chaplain sargeant’ and others go by ‘Rabbi’ and hold Balaam’s donkey in high esteem. They’re constantly serving. It’s their super power.

    I’m so proud of my cousins for how they’re looking after their parents. Maybe a little jealous because they still have this season in their lives. But so proud. They’re doing great. I’m so impressed with my cousins who are parents. I see such beauty in their relationships with their kids, whom I covet as my nephew and nieces. It is simply beautiful. I’m thankful to the cousin who almost always helps me out with Gamora. I’ve not been able to manage as well without my dad. The times I need to be away are tough and she just steps in. 

    There is also an enormous amount of gratitude in my heart for the work that I’m doing. I cannot thank God enough for opening the doors to me running my own business. Everything that’s happening seems to be a blessing from Him. It’s electrifying! I’m excited by the work, and feel such satisfaction. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this. So I thank Him! 

    I’m also ever so thankful for little Gamora. Of all my pooches, she is the most intuitive one. It really is a blessing. She feels the moments when I need a hug and she comes ready to be cuddled and won’t leave till the deed is done well. She feels my excitement when I’m having a good day. She wiggles her bottom, brings in her ball, and drops it at my feet. She’s ready to enjoy the moment. Given the fact that I almost said no to another pup, and initially went to take her brother, my heart is just so full of thanks to God for how He let it be her that ended up coming home with me. 

    So, I hold the joy and gratitude in my heart, along a whole host of other incredible feelings that are brought out by all these amazing folk, while I nurse a broken heart- missing my father and mother so much. It’s a tension. I miss my mum and dad even more so because they’re missing another birthday of mine. I also wish I could just share with them the joys of work and little Gamora. I wish I could have them with me as I complete work on my book. Good things that are filling my heart with joy, don’t take away the sorrow of missing them. 

    The strange thing is, I accept now that this tension is now a part of me. I’m very thankful for it for in the joy that I have in the wonderful friends and members of my family, and in the sorrow that I hold for my mum and dad, I see Jesus’ grace. I do. It all comes back to Jesus. Because of Him, this tension will one day disappear. The joy I feel now will be magnified to a level I cannot even imagine. How my heart will sing on that day, when I see my Maker. For now, I trust in His plan. I will continue in this land of the living, even though there are times my heart is so broken, and I feel so low. I thank Him for the blessings in the wonderful people who inspire me. 

    Thank You, Lord Jesus! 

    I miss you, papa. I miss you mummy. 

  • A Last Christmas

    Describe one of your favorite moments.

    Hands down, I know this is my all time favourite- Christmas of 2005. It was the last Christmas that I was together with my mum and dad. Mum would pass away in January 2006. It was the last time my home was the way I loved so very much.

    It was a hard decision to come home that Christmas. I’d gone to the UK for my best friend’s wedding. She’d not had the best run in relationships till then. Then she met her beau and now (still!) husband. They planned their wedding for December 2005 and I was her bridesmaid. It’d been exciting planning for the trip but as time came, I just felt a heaviness that I couldn’t explain and almost didn’t want to go.

    Am glad I went. It was a beautiful wedding and they were so happy. I was, however, ready to go home. I must’ve spent ages on the phone, but was finally able to get a flight that would get me home on Christmas Eve. I think my best friend was shocked at my sudden upheaval and I couldn’t explain the need to just up and leave. Part of me thought we’d no longer be friends.

    My father and my mother were overjoyed when I rocked up that Christmas Eve. The three of us spent absolute ages chatting into the middle of the night as was our usual over the holiday season. I felt the strength of what it meant to be exactly where I was supposed to be – with the people who loved me the most in the world.

    I no longer have either of them with me. The memories I have are beautiful, and I am thankful to God for His graces. Had He not put it in my heart to get back, I’d not have our last Christmas in the way I now do.

  • A lovely day

    What notable things happened today?

    Today, Gamora and I went for a rather lovely walk in the park. It was just beautiful. There are days when the park is just even more beautiful than usual. This was one of those days. Every bit of colour popped and the play of the reflection of clouds in water was simply delightful.

    Gamora made friends with three dogs today. Two were much bigger than her but were such lovely creatures. You could tell they were sweet. Gamora does get overwhelmed by bigger dogs. So this was rare treat to have her bravely go up to them and make friends. After all the butt sniffing, our exploration kept moving forward. No monitor lizards, monkeys, or squirrels to make Gamora go berserk! It was a calm and peaceful day.

    When we got home, Gamora was completely knocked out! 4.6km at a brisk pace is hard for for my little girl. Her legs are short. I love it when she is knackered after a walk. There’s a kind of satisfaction that is unspoken!

    I then had a coaching client. It’s such a joy with some clients because of their positivity and passion. Today was such a case. It felt good to end the week with this.

    My best friend and I try to have a call on Fridays. It was so good to hear her voice, even though it always makes me wish our countries were closer and we lived next door! She is funny, and totally lovely.

    It’s been a joyful day! Thankful to God for this 🙏🏾