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Ruth David was my grandmother. She was 94 years old. She was a believer in Jesus Christ – a belief which I’m sure will result in our meeting again when God’s kingdom is fully realised according to His promises. I stand here before you today to tell you that I am sad (as I am sure family and friends are too) because she is no longer physically here with us. I do however, rejoice in the blessing that God gave me and all of us whose lives she impacted – and I stand here before you today to say thank You to God for her life.

Before I go on any further – I want to extend a big thank you to my aunty Cynthia and uncle David Kanagaraj and family as the main share in the task of looking after my granny over the last few years fell entirely on their shoulders. Thank you from the rest of the family.

My grandmother wasn’t perfect – she’d a terribly stubborn streak, which I’m quite sure she passed down to my mum (who is also with the Lord) and I’m sure that that streak’s also found it’s way down to me! She was quiet – and unassuming – but that stubbornness – that will that she had was strong. She made mistakes (as we all do) and she enjoyed life as we all do. One thing that she did, that not all of us can do is to sacrifice her life for those she loved. Ask any of us, her grandchildren – and we’ll tell you of how she has at some point or other helped in our upbringing. Most of us even call her ‘ama’. She looked after us to help out our parents – but mind you, she never did so for any kind of compensation nor did she make any kind of demand in return. She never amassed wealth. She didn’t even own things – except for what she wore. She lived serving – and in the faith that saw her always clothed, fed and looked after. She loved and was protective of the people she loved.

There was quite an amusing childlike kind of eagerness that she had whenever she’d to go to church. We’ve all at some point or other teased her or laughed about the fact that she’d be ready to leave for church sometimes more than an hour ahead of time, even though church would be a 10 minute car drive away. And she’d cluck and chase after us to get ready. This was her way of instilling in us the discipline of going to church, which was for her a very big deal. I still wish I could do this – and encourage others to go to church in the same way for it is what we are called to do. And childlike as this was – my grandmother was doing the right thing.

Another thing that used to make us laugh was the way she’d make all the tid-bits for Christmas in such large quantities, we could’ve been an IKEA for tid-bits at Christmas. She always ensured that every family unit would have an ample supply – and my grandmother was generous in her quantification of ‘ample’. I remember masterminding a plot alongside some of my cousins – to get rid of a large quantity of murukku flour she wanted us to help with. We’d wanted to go swimming instead. The plan was to pack the murukku dough into our pockets – and mind you we’d some pretty huge pockets on those shorts we wore then! It worked – and she was very pleased with us coz she thought we’d been diligently squeezing out murukkus. Later, we did tell her the truth… and she laughed. Later, we also discovered that good murukku is hard to come by…and we cried!

There are lots of stories that I could tell you – from the time she first sailed to Malaya from India, the encounters with the Japanese during the Japanese occupation of Malaya, the feasts she’d cook up, the countless games she played with me… so many things but they wouldn’t be the right way that we should remember this person.

The last week or so has been difficult. She was dying of old age. Literally – that’s what it was. Her sight was failing as was her breath. Her bones were aching and her body was just decaying – right before our eyes. It was horrific watching. And… I’m convinced, it wasn’t easy for her either. In fact, it must’ve been terrible. But… there were the things that she said: and these are the things that I want you to remember her by. She cried out to God – to Jesus – to have mercy on her, this sinner and to come take her home. It was to Him (her maker) that she cried out to. Not to her children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. Over and above the role of wife, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother – my granny was a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ. Remember her this way. I think that would be the best way to think of her: Ruth David, believer and follower of Jesus Christ. And when you do that, thank God for His mercy in sending her as His blessing to our family – we have been richly blessed indeed.

It has certainly been a tough year with the Coronavirus. I think most people are fatigued by all the changes the year has brought. There has been loss of life on a monumental scale. There are so many who have lost their jobs and are as a result suffering secondary losses like paying bank loans and putting food on the table, among others. There’s been so much loneliness and isolation for people. Some families have had to be separated from a loved one who’s stuck elsewhere. Businesses both large and small are shutting down, if they haven’t already. It’s been a crazy year to say the least. Then almost as if this spanner in the works wasn’t causing enough trouble, life goes on. Our own situations have kept going! I think most of us are tired out by how things shaped up in 2020. And now, galloping towards us at break neck speed, is Christmas. 

Christmas is a fun time for a lot of people. There’s so much going on, festivities and gaieties everywhere. For so many, it can also be a very difficult time, as they remember the loss of loved ones, deal with loneliness or illness. Christmas has got its lovers and its haters. 

In my own home, in true Malaysian fashion, we used to have ‘open house’ on Christmas Day. Family and friends from near and far would drop by for a visit, which usually involved food! Whatever the time they came, there was always a full meal, over and above the cookies, cake and chocolate that was served rather generously. The cooking that happened was just out of this world, and make no mention of the volumes! I think many Malaysians of my generation and earlier, will relate to these open houses that happened at times of celebration. I loved these open houses. They were exhausting! But I loved every moment of them. They were certainly exciting times. 

The way I celebrated Christmas changed significantly after my mum passed away. For the first couple of years after she passed on, it was impossible to think of doing anything. After that, I started hosting stuff on a smaller scale. I would invite different groups of friends over on different days. It was good having them in our home again over Christmas. This is how it has been since. After everyone leaves, I sit myself down with a cuppa, stare into the Christmas tree lights and recall past conversations with my mum after friends and family left after a celebration. It’s something that has become precious to me. 

This year, as Christmas approaches, I have not got parties lined up. Mostly, COVID sheltered me from that pressure. We’ve had all sorts of restrictions and even now, with things being a bit relaxed, gatherings aren’t encouraged. What a relief this has been. I’ve not quite worked out how to go about life during celebrations just yet, as I feel a sense of gloom about my mobility, descending on me. My rheumatoid arthritis has got worse and a lot of the time, I just feel yuck! It takes a lot of work being in a crowd now and I am thankful that I do indeed draw energy from people- that has helped. 

It feels weird not being able to go shopping as I always did. Whatever I can order online, I’ve ordered online. I’ve read reviews faithfully, made choices based on that and crossed my fingers each time I made an order. The knowledge that I can’t go shopping like I used to, hasn’t taken away the desire to give those dear to me, something they will like. It’s been stressful on the one hand, but I must say, that I have been mostly grateful for the options we have online. 

Putting up the Christmas tree was a “Herculean effort” as I mentioned to a few friends. I know this is the last time I’ll be able to use this tree. I’m giving it away after this Christmas. I’ve been looking at it with a bit of sadness because I like this tree a lot! It has been around awhile, and my mum loved it too. I’ve looked after it really well. Giving it away will feel like the close of a chapter. 

I foolishly ordered Christmas cookie packages, thinking I would make loads of cookies, like before, to give away. When they arrived, I sighed a big sigh, knowing that there is no way that I can manage this plan. 

I feel like I’m in a strange place right now. I’ve had friends speak to me about positivity, telling me not to get a walking aid because I’m not old enough for one. This has nothing to do with age. One friend decided it would be appropriate to chide me for not “snagging” a life partner while I had the chance. I wonder how being married stops me from losing my mobility. I did get annoyed with her. I’ve had to manage people asking me to do things, which I ordinarily would’ve done in the past. The fatigue I fight every day isn’t funny. Some have taken it well, some haven’t. I’ve had a lot of well meaning friends coming forward to cancel plans or rearrange things just because I’ve expressed how I am feeling. That doesn’t help either and I have had to speak to more than one person about my need to have this safe space to share how I feel. Sometimes, some friends just ignore what I’ve said – maybe the idea of someone they know using a cane to walk, isn’t very comfortable. Trust me, I didn’t really want to have to order one! Some friends tell me that I will never change in their eyes. Even this worries me. I am no longer the same. Pain changes people. My priorities and interests have changed. Some of my opinions have changed too. 

There are two things that I find hardest to swallow. One is pity. The other is the overly dramatic response. There is a handful of people to whom I can say things, without getting a pity response. They also don’t give me drama. That really helps. I can have a conversation about fears or how I feel at the time that I’m speaking to them.  I really value them. It has made all the difference to me, having them to talk to. I thank God for them!

There is one thing for which I am most grateful, and that is Jesus. Because of Jesus, COVID or this stupid rheumatoid arthritis that’s giving me a rough time, or anything in the unforeseen future, cannot change the meaning of Christmas. The celebrations may change, but the meaning of Christmas can never change. In the hearts of all believers, this is the time when hope against hope came into the world. This is the time, when God’s plan of action to set us free from all this brokenness came into action. Without Christmas, there would be no cross. Without the cross, there would be no guarantee of salvation. Without salvation, there will be no prospect of life hereafter., where our bodies are regenerated. This hope will never leave. This hope reminds me that I am loved so perfectly. Thanking God for this doesn’t feel sufficient. 

So as I look forward to Christmas, despite the disappointments that are coming up in my life and despite the sadness that the whole world is facing right now, I want to thank God for Jesus and for what He means to all believers. It may get hard at Christmas or at different points of our lives, but this is why He came. So from my home to yours, may the birth of Christ truly come alive in your hearts this Christmas. 

 I’m not very familiar with floods. The only flood I really know about is the flood in the Bible, where Noah built an ark. To believers, it is an incredible story of God’s judgement and grace. To those who think the Bible’s just gobbledygook, this is a hard story to defend! I’m not writing about that flood though. I looked through a long list of films with floods in them and I’ve not really watched any of them. Before this, my own real experience with flooding was the aftermath in our church some years ago, where a whole load of us went to clean. The damage was heartbreaking to say the least, but it wasn’t my “safe space” and I can’t say that I was shaken to the core.

On 18 July 2020, the home that I’ve lived in for 41 years experienced a freak flood. It was the first time for us, and I have to say we were caught off guard. It had been raining hard. That tends to happen in Malaysia and it’s not been something that has ever worried me. I guess it’s different if you’re from the east coast of Malaysia. But here, from within my home, I must say that I have mostly loved the spectacular rains that have come pouring down on us, as they cool things down in hot, muggy Malaysia. I don’t think I have words to put to my feelings when I realized that there was water inside our house. Loki was going bonkers and raised the alert! Clear water causing our carpets to float. My immediate steps were to carry Loki and get my 87-year-old father, who hasn’t been upstairs in years, up the stairs! I then rushed downstairs to try and move our cars but the water inside our house was already up to my calves and outside, it was at my knees. The cars weren’t going anywhere. My heart sank, as I looked at my car, which was just about 6 months old! Not the kind of thing you plan. Apart from gathering keys, the laptop, some documents, candles and matches, which I did somewhat instinctively, I was not able to do much else. I couldn’t move the furniture on my own. Within minutes, our electricity went off. Ours was the only house where this happened – not much fun. My phone battery was severely depleted at that stage and except for a few messages that I sent I couldn’t do much else. I prayed to God for mercy, for meaning. I prayed for safety, especially for my dad and Loki. I think I repeated “God, please… God, please…” for absolute ages. When the rain slowed down a little, friends within our housing area came wading by to check in on us and it was well past midnight when our electricity was restored. I tried doing a few things, but it was impossible with so much water around. The only thing left was to wait till the water receded. My amazing cousin messaged to say she’d be there. I didn’t make any other plans at that point but tried to sleep (which didn’t quite happen) and brace myself for daylight.

When the water receded, it was a bit later in the morning. I went downstairs with a heart that grew heavier at the sight of our home. Our brand-new furniture looked filthy. The kitchen looked like titans had battled in there. The whole place was like a war zone. I picked up things that could be chucked. Loki’s many chew toys were soaked right through. Those were the first that went. I spoke to a neighbour whose house wasn’t affected and asked him to take Loki over to his place. Most of my neighbours were out and about, trying to make sense of what had happened the night before. It was rather unexpected. My amazing cousin and her husband arrived with what felt like a huge disaster relief kit. She had organized for our other cousins to come too – and together, they, my aunt, our part time helper and gardener, cleaned the mess that the flood waters had caused. It felt like it was an exhausting day early on. I was already in dire need of medication for my RA at this point but was out of meds and physically – I was out for the count. Mentally I felt like a load of bricks had made its way into my head. As the cleaning went on, I did a lot of “administrative” things like getting tow trucks to come get the cars, making a police report (which was such a mind-numbing experience, yet again). I had to get my father relocated – it was just crazy. By evening, the house was clean, the furniture taken upstairs and left to dry. My cousins, who were by this time labelled a “wonderful disaster relief team” by a friend, were worn out from a long day of cleaning and heavy lifting. The lot of us went out for dinner and right throughout, even though I felt every joint in my body hurting, I felt so comforted. I felt like God had answered my prayer for mercy. God had heard me. It may make no sense to you as you read this – but deep within me, I had a certainty that God had heard me and that He had responded. I felt very supported.

Within the next few days, the volume of damage caused by the flood was apparent. As I write this on 9 August 2020, our house feels like it has undergone some savage turmoil. There was so much work going on downstairs to restore things, that wasn’t possible for my dad to return home for two weeks! If I’m honest, I felt terribly displaced in my own home. I cannot even begin to imagine some of the horrors that people who lose their homes through war or other natural disasters feel.

Most of the time while the work went on ferociously downstairs, Loki and I remained upstairs. I felt really numb on most days and sleep was evasive then. I think I’m not back to sleeping right through the night, but I’m getting there. There’s been so much noise in my head, it’s in dire need of calming down. I’ve been very irritable – some of the customer services that I had to deal with to restore internet and satellite TV, for instance, was nothing but nightmarish. Then there were the contractors, who at points tried to push me to my limits with all sorts of things – and when I stood up to them or told them off, would say that my husband was such a lucky man with a capable wife taking care of all things. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. There were things at work that annoyed me and there were messages and calls from people, who were perhaps well meaning, but who made me feel rather explosive. My emotions were jarred. I was shattered. I didn’t even have shoes to take Loki out walking as my shoes had all floated away! I felt like was trapped and I was running on empty.

I wasn’t purely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of negativity. I was overwhelmed by a lot of good things too. I was able to take some time off work on the days I needed to – this was much appreciated. It meant being able to focus on the immediate mayhem and to deal with things that needed to be dealt with. My cousins who came to help on the first day, really had me. I don’t think I’ve been able to process how much they did. They felt like a huge blessing. My aunt who lives in the same town came by a lot to help me out with Loki. This was also another relief, because Loki gets anxious when he’s left elsewhere and dealing with that is hard. It wasn’t also possible to just leave him anywhere! He was stressed by the strangers in our home and whenever I had to leave to deal with them, it was helpful to have someone there with him. Then there were the friends who and family who had different meals delivered to me as I couldn’t go into our kitchen and had no fridge or car. Some of them sent stuff especially for Loki too, providing much comic relief! Loki getting a meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken must’ve been in heaven that day! I even had fruit sent to make sure there was something healthy to eat! A big relief came in the form of another cousin and his family that my dad stayed with. They’ve been so loving and gracious towards him, that I am at a loss as to how to thank them for their hospitality. My cousin who organized the cleaning team of cousins – how do I thank her? She even drove me to hospital some days after to ensure I got to the rheumatologist without any further delay. The friend who first transferred cash to me because I was in her words “a flood victim” and a few other friends who sent along cash gifts to help with the many things that I have had to pay for – how do I thank them? The friend whose cousin manages the service centre that handled my car was another blessing. My car thankfully had not suffered water in its engine or gearbox. I was amazed beyond belief when I picked it up to find that it even smelt brand new. How do I thank my friend’s cousin? My cousins and a few friends who were just amazing to communicate with during this time: they knew the tiredness and the anxiety, and they kept it easy to reach out for stuff that was needed. There was no pressure or need for me to manage those chats or messages, for which I am extremely grateful, as they kept me sane and helped me cope. I am also grateful for the friends who prayed for me. I have been so tired, prayer has been tough and I have been comforted knowing that I was being upheld in prayer. How I do I thank these prayer warriors? There were so many offers of help that came forward that we couldn’t take up – but for which, we are well and truly grateful! I find that I am close to tears at all these acts and I genuinely am struggling to express how I feel. I feel like my emotions are flooding too, if there is such a thing!

I know that this is all God’s doing. I know that He is speaking to me through each one of these people that He has put in my life. Last year, the passage in Exodus 35:1 – 36: 7 was brought to my attention because of my work. I thought it was amazing how God raised all the support that was needed for the building of the tabernacle. That passage has given me goose bumps several times even over this year, as I’ve looked at it again and again for my work. Right now, to me, it feels like God is helping me in my own little situation. I know that this isn’t the context of the passage, and I’m not in the least trying to use it out of context but I feel that I am seeing the same God act in the way that I read about. I feel it because of how much support I’m getting through the different people in my life. It feels odd because right now, I should feel terribly depleted. Don’t get me wrong – I am shattered by this whole event. It has been rather traumatic, to say the least. But I cannot ignore the feeling that there is support from my God. I am grateful to Him for all these people.

So, to these different people in my life, who have come forward to help me at this time, I want to say, thank you. You may or may not believe in this God that I speak about, but I do thank Him for you. It is an expression of gratitude that I am yet unable to put in words to you, when I tell Him how much I am grateful for everything that you have said to and done for me during this time. I believe our God shows His amazing love for us through our community of family and friends. Each one of you displayed this love and it has really touched my heart. As we put our home back together again, I want you to also know that our home is always going to be open to you. Thank you again and again.

To my God, I have no words. I am speechless at His goodness and mercy. He’s taught me how to accept help – not very easy to do always. It is something I need to process a bit more. He has made me feel so supported and strengthened through this blow. ‘For I will proclaim the name of the LORD; ascribe greatness to our God!’ (Deuteronomy 32: 3). I feel this is what I must do.

I only recently watched the acclaimed TV series, The Night Manager, starring Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie. Hugh Laurie has been a long time favourite, while Tom Hiddleston came to my attention more recently through the Marvel movies that gripped quite a lot of us. Both actors didn’t fail to deliver and so I did something that I rarely do, which is watch interviews that actors give. Hugh Laurie wouldn’t disappoint – as I had heard him speak before and he was indeed brilliant. Tom Hiddleston held his own too. I was struck by something that Tom Hiddleston said about his character, Jonathan Pine, in The Night Manager. He said that there was something romantic about Jonathan Pine because he does something which most of us can’t do, which is to surrender his identity for something that he feels is morally right. Hiddleston went on to say that Pine was at root a good man by virtue of his choice.

At first glance, there is perhaps nothing remarkable about what Tom Hiddleston said about Jonathan Pine. Yet, when you think on it a little more, we cheered Jonathan Pine for bringing down Richard Roper, the baddie played remarkably well by Hugh Laurie. Roper is called ‘the worst man in the world’ early in the series. He is a billionaire philanthropist who admits that he only does good because it profits him. He uses philanthropy as a cover for his wrongful presence in an army camp. He has no qualms about the profit he’s making from weapons that destroy humanity. He’s charming and to his friends and loved ones, even caring. And then there’s Jonathan Pine. It’s easy to like Pine. He’s good looking and polished. He goes out to catch Roper and does put himself in harm’s way. Pine’s hatred of Roper starts when the first woman he covets in the series is killed (by Roper, the baddie). While undercover, he covets Roper’s girlfriend. This is why, what Tom Hiddleston said about Jonathan Pine struck me. Roper uses good to cover evil. But – Pine did the same! He used good (his putting himself in danger to capture a dangerous man) to do evil (coveting the baddie’s girlfriend)! Ultimately, at the core, there is no difference between the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ man. Both were rotten at the core.

It made me think about the reality that the Bible paints about all men. Romans 3: 10 – 12 says: ‘None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.’ We hear this ring out loud and clear again in Romans 3: 23: ‘…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,…’ and in many other verses (Matthew 15: 19; Mark 7: 21-22; 1 John 1: 8; Job 15: 14; Jeremiah 17: 9, etc.). There are countless verses saying the exact same thing and ultimately spell out the fact that our good deeds are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64: 6). It is a mind-blowing truth that the Bible doesn’t shy away from. It is hard to take. This is the reality of who we are. Not all of us will be in the same position of Jonathan Pine, where we need to take on such dangerous acts to bring down evil. However, like Jonathan Pine, we are tainted – our good is just a cover of the evil within. It is simply very hard to accept this.

The other thing that Hiddleston said about Jonathan Pine that stuck out for me was that Pine surrendered his identity for what he felt was morally right to do. This is stunning! He felt that Richard Roper was so wrong and needed to be brought down that he was willing to surrender who he was in his relatively comfortable life, to go after this man. He even kills a man to protect his new identity. It wasn’t beyond him morally to covet Roper’s lady friend. That question never even crops up, because Richard Roper is such a bad guy! It makes me think about our identity according to the Bible. The Bible says that those of us who believe in Christ, are in Him. John 1: 12 says: ‘But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.’ In 1 Corinthians 6: 17, it says: ‘But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.’ There are many other verses that talk about this and a few of these are: Colossians 2: 9-10; 1 Corinthians 12: 27; 1 Peter 2: 9; Galatians 3: 27 – 28; Colossians 3: 1-3. We are in Christ, if we believe in Him. Yet, how often do we struggle to surrender? Perhaps there is death involved. Jonathan Pine killed a man to protect his new identity. Maybe we need to kill our old selves to protect our new selves. We wouldn’t be acting on a pure feeling of what is morally right to do, if we put to death our old selves. No. In fact, we would be acting on the ultimate reality if we did put to death our old selves and whatever is earthly within us, the reality being that we have been raised in Christ (Colossians 3: 5 – 11). We would be acting on the reality of every spiritual blessing being granted to us in Christ (Ephesians 1: 3).

Let me be clear about what I am saying here. These are truths that we know but it is often difficult to live them out. It is difficult to live knowing that we are at the core evil. It is indeed very tough trying to put to death what we don’t always see as evil. This is a difficult struggle. Don’t be fooled. It is not as if the confession of faith in our Lord Jesus, immediately whisks us off into the land of freedom from sin. If only that were the case, then we wouldn’t have such a tough walk ahead of us. Yet Jesus, was tempted like you and me. He obviously passed, where you and I fail. The benchmark of walking exactly like Him while He was on earth is way too high. We are doomed to failure. There is no way anyone will succeed here. However, it is precisely this sure failure that needs to keep reminding us that we have no other hope but to hold on to Jesus and to cling to His promises of deliverance. It isn’t easy when we are facing temptation, periods of dryness or of suffering (for various reasons). It is when we are brought down to our knees and it is also when we often fail. When we are convicted by the Spirit of our failings at these times, we will feel crushed, if we forget to keep looking at the cross. Jesus took on that failing for you and me because He knew we wouldn’t be able to get it right. He knew that if we lied from insecurity, it would probably be something we struggle with for our entire lives. He knew that if we had addictions (whether to porn, entertainment, alcohol, drugs, etc.), it would be a lifetime battle overcoming them. He knew that if we were beaten, depressed, bitter or angry with rejection or whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, it would take our whole lives to find that acceptance in Him. It is not as if we can stop ourselves as easily as we turn off a switch. If only, it was that simple. I think, that when we are struggling, we should take comfort, for the Spirit and the flesh are against each other. Galatians 5: 17 reminds us of this: ‘For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.’ If we are struggling, we shouldn’t be discouraged by those who don’t seem to struggle at all. Indeed, we should not! Remember too that the great apostle Paul himself, struggled to understand his own actions and found it difficult to do what he wanted to do but did what he didn’t want to (Romans 7: 13 – 25). Like him, struggle – and be not ashamed of your struggle. Thank God for it, for through Christ, there is no more condemnation for those in Him and the Spirit has set you free (Romans 8: 1-4).

So, let us encourage one another in our walks by enabling each other to be honest about our struggles. Let us remember that this is the holy war that is waged by the Spirit against the flesh and it is part of the refining process that leads us to Christlikeness. God didn’t promise us a pain-free journey there. On the contrary, He states clearly that we will suffer as we live our lives that are marked by grace.

Loki came to live with us on 7 September 2019, when he was only but 18 days old. He was tiny and in fragile condition because he had been fed on by crows within hours of his birth. His right hind paw is missing as a result and those savage crows managed to also gobble up a couple of toes on his left hind paw. When he first came home, he could barely keep his eyes open. He slept a lot, was bottle fed  (with great difficulty) every couple of hours and he moaned and groaned a lot, because of the pain from his injuries. He clung on to life, really! By the time he was four weeks old, he seemed to be blind in one eye, which broke my heart. It felt like another set back for this little one. Thankfully though, he wasn’t blind but had somehow contracted conjunctivitis! Meds and eye drops helped and he started looking better and gaining strength. He was playful and ever so curious! He was rather wobbly but even then would try to investigate whatever he could as much as he could. He was just so tiny!

Once he was 2 1/2 months old, there seemed to be a growth spurt! He just grew! As he grew, his coat changed and he looked more like a tiger, thanks to the markings on his coat. He gained strength too. His appetite improved and lo and behold, we had a healthy little pup bouncing around! Healthy and naughty! Let that bit not be forgotten.

Loki is so very naughty! I started taking him to obedience classes but after 5 or so classes, we’ve had this Coronavirus interruption! The last couple of classes, he was easily the most well-behaved pup in class! A model citizen. If only they knew! Loki lives up to his name as the god of the mischief. In the car, he isn’t happy unless he is sitting on my lap with his paws on my shoulders. He imagines I can drive that way! When safety precautions are taken so that he doesn’t attempt such a sitting position, he yelps the entire 33 km drive to get there, only to behave impeccably while we are there. Of course the charade ends when we’re on our way back. He whines as though he’s being hard done by! The mischief!

Loki also has learnt to steal. He steals raw potatoes (which can be toxic to dogs!), onions, garlic and vegetables from the kitchen. He steals biscuits and any other food he can get his little paws on. He is quite tall and is able to lift stuff off the kitchen counter and dining table ever so easily! He steals clothes and shreds them. He loves the challenge of stealing medicines- thankfully, that’s not happened and so he steals the empty strips. He intercepts parcels when they arrive and opens them and has a good game with whatever was delivered before you know it. He steals the insoles of shoes, when he realised that stealing the shoe itself was too obvious. Loki’s life of crime is quite new but it is something from which he is gaining much experience!

This god of mischief is also rather demanding when it comes to human attention. He feels that he was born for the whole world to pet and cuddle! When we go for a walk, he has these routine demands that he makes of my neighbours. From one of them, he insists on a pat on the head with some kind words. Another has to give him water (because we don’t have any at home, apparently!) and she has to let him lick her hands. Yet another couple have to cuddle him and a couple of others have to give him a bit of a pat and a welcome. That’s just the people on our walks. He has also made friends with some dogs and there, the social greetings are quite dramatic! Loki also demands excessive amounts of attention from my dad. My dad’s walking stick is an endless source of joy for Loki. At times he looks almost as if he’s pole dancing! He also sits on a pouffe facing my dad until he gets the exact amount of loving that he deems fit. Another aunt, our gardener and helper are all people from whom he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He has the most exuberant greeting for them. When friends turn up, Loki turns it on. It’s a wet, hurricane like greeting. When it comes to me, Loki ramps up his attention seeking. There was the battle of his feeding time. He was holding out for treats! The little demon! It was tough because I had to be ruthless to get him to eat properly. It took 3 weeks at least to get some kind of discipline instilled. The next thing that the god of mischief does when I am on work calls or am busy working, is to take one of his toys and push it under the couch. He then whimpers and cries like there’s no tomorrow until you get it out. Initially, I hadn’t realised that he was doing it on purpose – but I caught him by chance on one day, when I looked up from something I was reading. The god of mischief certainly has creativity on his side. The little terror also knows that when he’s near the door, it means that I’ll go to him to open it. He uses that tactic whenever I’m busy with work or am doing something that he’s not the centre of! I’ve tried telling him about the boy who cried wolf, but that’s not quite sinking in, it seems! Hah!

Loki is naughty! He seeks out things to do to bring out the naughtiness within. He’s on high alert to be mischievous. It’s interesting to watch. He loves having a nose around the table my dad keeps his stuff on. He somehow lifts or moves things about to inspect and see what he can do. If he sees something hanging, he immediately goes in to see if he can give it a good tug. Yanking things off from where they belong is his speciality! Every bag gets inspected, he tries to get into cupboards even on his own, he likes to pry open boxes and dislikes closed doors. He teases out plants from their pots and shreds them- another speciality. He manages to find a way to do or take something that he shouldn’t! It’s not like he doesn’t have loads of chew toys and other toys to play with. Those would mean he’s behaving – and that’s a rarity! Whenever he is caught, he tries to make a jolly of it! He tries to get me involved in this mischief – as if to say this is a game he and I should be playing! It makes discipline very difficult.

There are things he does that almost make you want to forgive anything and everything! When we go to bed at night, he takes pains to try and hold my hand. He wants to cuddle all the time and he loves trying to hug at various points in the night. It is rather endearing. He does all sorts to show love: he wants to be a part of my day the entire time.

I often think on that and wonder if there is ever a conundrum on his part as he tries to come back to me no matter how naughty he has been. It makes me reflect on my own attitude towards God. I know the dynamics of my relationship with God are far more complicated but I think that is because I am complicated. I struggle to apologise to Him, when I know I must and often, I end up playing the avoidance game. I know I haven’t got a leg to stand on. Nothing changes how much I need Him in my life. I don’t for a minute think that God will be easily amused if I ran back to Him every single time I make a mistake, pretending as if nothing has happened. Far from it. I think, though, He is pleased if I go running back to Him in penitence. It turns out that I have a similarity with the god of mischief – penitence is something I find difficult. I struggle to live it out. I almost always have an argument- after all, He is in control and could’ve or should’ve ensured that things never got out of hand. I have no excuse. I need help from God for sure. This is beyond my strength.

Knowing how much I lack in terms of grace in comparison to our Father in Heaven, I am thankful to Him for the lesson He has granted me through little Loki. No matter what Loki does, I love him. I love his little face and I’m proud of him when he does well. I know that I don’t outshine Jesus where grace is concerned. I also know that I am not as cute as Loki is. However, I firmly believe that I will be met by grace if I go back to Him in penitence. Humility is tough, even when no one is looking.

I also know that through some training and discipline, Loki has picked up some good habits. I reflect too on lessons that I’ve had in life, especially the ones brought about by direct disobedience to God. The consequences were felt but they have forced certain habits that I know are good. Also, when I look at Loki, I realise that no matter what the discipline has been, he is secure with me. He trusts and loves me. I need to be more like this, I confess. Loki is doing a better job at this than I am. I think I need to remind myself too, that I am secure in Christ for the ultimate punishment that was meant for me, fell upon him. He has secured my eternity. I should always love and trust in Him.

Thank You, Lord, for Loki and for some of the reminders I have of You and me as I reflect in him and me.

My world revolves quite a bit around my work. I think it’d be safe to say that is the case for most people. We spend a large part of our day working, whether it is remotely or in an office. Of course, right now, for a lot of us, work is remote because of COVID19. ‘WFH’ is a coined abbreviation and it is one of the many things that this virus has done to impact our working lives. Even amidst the virus, and changed routines, I find that most of us are still planning around work. I’m not blaming anyone here. Am just stating it as it is. It underlines the value of what we do and what we bring to the table and it certainly is something we would consider essential. The big problem that’s affecting world leaders is how to get everyone back to work safely? Sweden’s defiance is interesting. They say that if they don’t work and keep the economy going, it is just as bad as being impacted by the Corona virus. It is a fascinating argument. You can see the logic of it. If you’re anywhere that’s going through a restriction of movement or a lock down, you’re certainly witnessing the economic crisis happening. There are people we rely on, who get paid hourly or daily – from the milkman, to the gardener, the plumbers, the cleaners and so on, who make our lives so much easier and better, but who haven’t been able to go about their business as usual. Work has come to a screeching halt for them. Additionally, shops and restaurants and other businesses (like the hairdressers, which I think is a very essential service!), are mostly shut. Some have managed to get themselves into the position of delivering their product, but this isn’t possible in all cases. There are heaps of parking spaces, where previously you’d have to hunt for much coveted spots, when you go out. It feels surreal.

Yet, for some of us who are blessed to have jobs, where we can function from home, are still scrambling for various reasons. Some of these reasons may seem basic, like figuring out a proper work-space at home. Not everyone had a need for one before the virus struck and now it feels like people are trying to get themselves set up in a way that they can function effectively. Some are trying to figure out how to get things done. Not all work is desk based. Some people work in labs, etc. and other need to go out and meet people.  Some people have families around them and try as they might, there is a fight for their attention. If they’ve got kids, there is a need for them to be keeping an eye out on them. So many different situations. Not all of these can be so easily got around. There’s a lot to be worked out. It’s good to be chugging along figuring things out but there are worries at the back of most people’s minds. How long is the situation going to go on for? Are their jobs at risk? Can businesses and other organizations survive the economic hit? What happens to on-going projects that are suddenly halted? The questions are endless. They are a little bit overwhelming. Yet, we try so hard to figure these things out. Work is important. We need it to go on, if we’re to have anything of a secure income. Where do we go from here?

As I think about some of these things in my own situation, I cannot help but think about Jesus and His work. Today is Good Friday and most of us tuned in or are tuning in at some point to online services that have taken the place of our gathering together in churches. As with almost every single Good Friday, I remember from the time I was a child, there is always mention of Jesus’ infamous words: “It is finished!” As I reflect on these words during this COVID19 season, I can’t help but feel that the power behind those words even more than ever.

The cruelty of Jesus’ death and the brutality that takes place even before He is crucified is difficult to swallow. It’s even more so, when I think that it is for the likes of me. I’m horrified the injustice He faces at the Sanhedrin, the legal arena, where I’d have mostly expected to have acted justly. Desertion by friends, sham trial, mockery, brutal beatings and abuse of all sorts, would exhaust anyone. It couldn’t have been easy to bear. Yet, Jesus seems to have been exhausted by the burden of it even before He was arrested: in the Garden of Gethsemane, where we’re told He sweated drops of blood because He was in agony (Luke 22: 44). He knew the horror that was awaiting Him. He knew. He had no illusions there. He had come to die (Isaiah 53: 1 – 12, Psalm 22: 14 – 18, John 10: 17 – 18 – there are countless verses). Jesus came to die. His work or mission was to die. How He managed to get out of bed for this, is a big question mark for me. Yet, we’re told just this. One of the verses in the Bible, that always makes me gulp is Luke 9:51: ‘When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem.’ He knew exactly what His task was, and despite knowing what lay ahead, He went about His work. He didn’t at any point make excuses, change His mind – considering those He was dying for were hardly worthy.

There are no words that can fully explain the magnitude of God’s love for us (John 3:16). It is something that I think we never fully fathom, because we are often distracted, anxious, angry, or even disinterested. Our circumstances bring about many of these feelings in us – and we keep forgetting just how much we are loved.

When I think about my own work considering COVID19, I am worried about several things. I am very worried about how I am going to do my job! I have always been able to achieve goals. I am terribly worried that I won’t be able to this time. It’s been stressing me a lot because trips in February and April were cancelled and other plans have had to be called off as well. I am struggling to see how I can work things out. I know others with other equally or more pressing issues concerning work. We’re all anxious. I can’t imagine how many of our organizations will be able to pay us. It feels like a big work failure is looming ahead for a lot of us. We may lose our jobs – a very real situation! Those who have already been out of work or who recently graduated and who have all been job hunting for awhile will know that there’s a real chance that it’s going to take a lot longer!

But then I pause and look back at the cross. And I know – it is finished. Today, I remember in this sadness and abject failure of humanity (which is reflected in me too), which brought about the world’s saddest day, but leads to the best possible news: victory, because, Jesus didn’t remain dead. He rose from the dead. His body wasn’t stolen! It wouldn’t have been possible. The disciples were a wreck and they were afraid. There is no way, they could have secured his body under the watchful eyes of Roman soldiers, who would’ve been very watchful, under the pain of death! There were witnesses who saw Him (and it’s unlikely that so many people would’ve had the same hallucination, as often claimed). He is alive. He finished His work! So, whatever befalls us now, we know, that we are safe. ‘For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height  nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8: 38 – 39). This is a reminder of what the reality is for us now. Whether it may be the virus that causes a lot of distress, discomfort or sorrow, or another set of circumstances yet to come, may we never lose hope that Jesus was able to finish His work. Instead of letting the desperation come over us, let us set our faces firmly towards telling others about Him (Matthew 28: 18 – 20). May more and more people be set free because it is finished.

There are so many layers to life that are being affected by the Corona virus. I can’t even begin to imagine. The obvious ones have been those whose immediate incomes were badly affected because of the lock downs or movement restrictions where they are. Then you have those who are being told about upcoming loss of jobs, radical pay cuts and whatnots. Students overseas are being told if they can’t support themselves, that they may need to return home. How painful for young dreams at those words. Old folk are suddenly even more isolated than before: it’s out of love that their loved ones can’t visit them. Travel bans not just internationally but in countries like mine, we aren’t allowed to go more than a 10-kilometer radius. Buying things is simply not the same: online deliveries are being stretched under a heavy strain and you’ve just got to stomach it if you can’t get exactly what you want. All of us at so many different levels are having to adjust to a new social order and we’ve not been given much choice or notice! It’s a do or die feeling at points, which probably is why people fight over bog-rolls and panic buy. You just don’t know what will happen.

I cannot imagine for a moment those who are sick. They can’t be visited by family or friends, who would otherwise be their source of comfort. As a Christian, I know that God’s love is displayed through these players in our lives: we feel comfort and are cared for. That is grace. So it puts me out trying to reconcile how some of these people have had to die alone and how so many are having to suffer alone in hospitals while the rest of us have to go on, on our own, in the land of the living, which doesn’t feel very recognizable anymore. I can understand why anyone would question God and His goodness that Christians so often talk about. How could a loving God do this? Where is the justice of it all?

Within my own sphere of family and friends alone, there’s much going on. I know people who have been suffering from loneliness as a result of various circumstances: some have lost spouses/family, some have had to go through divorce, some have lost the ability to go out into the world because of illness – and the list goes on. How much more isolated do they feel now? It is hard to imagine. I can’t even begin to think of the things that run through their heads. I know people who struggle with anxiety. Under normal circumstances, they were anxious. I can’t imagine what this whole situation with Covid19 is doing to their anxiety levels. I can’t even begin, nay – I dare not begin to imagine, the fear that they are projecting on to others as a result. How much higher do their stress levels go, I can’t imagine! I know people who tend to keep to themselves a lot and who generally get overlooked. Some do try to keep in touch but now with travel bans, are cut off from visits and can’t help more. At the best of times, these hermit sorts struggle to ask for help. It’s a paradox that never fails to perplex me. Now, even more, they may need help but just can’t ask for it because help’s not going to come from a quarter that they’re familiar with. They go on to suffer alone. I can’t imagine how I’m going to work things out for my own job, where I need to meet with people and get them together over events. This is a curve ball that has winded me, and I need a moment to process it. Yet, at least, there is something to process, which is, a blessing. That makes me think about those who’ve lost their jobs. How do they pay the bills? How do they get in supplies? What does this do to morale? I can’t imagine those who struggle with depression and other illnesses, where these times of added troubles may be triggers to some of their battles. I can’t for a moment fathom how to help some of them work it out. I can’t imagine a no movement order that may mean a person is locked in with their abuser. That feels like a hell of its own kind. You can’t even escape. Physical abuse is one thing, what about those who are being abused emotionally at this time? Some of them may not even realize they are being abused: they just know they have a sinking feeling inside. How can I imagine this feeling of being unappreciated, uncared for, etc.? Adults may be able to reach out for some sort of help through hotlines that are being put out. What happens if it’s a child? I can’t begin to imagine this pain. There are so many layers of our lives that this virus has attacked.

World leaders very obviously are out of their depths. In countries like mine, you hardly know whether to laugh or cry, when married women are asked to mimic Doraemon, who turns out to be a Japanese manga character (a male robot cat – I have no idea how this is possible, so don’t ask). There are ridiculous suggestions such as using Africans as human test subjects for the Corona virus drug. There are ridiculous accusations of hospital staff stealing much needed protective equipment as they’re on the frontlines trying to save lives. There are so many ridiculous ideas and theories floating around right now: it’s impossible to list out.

To me, as I look at the smatterings of pain and hardship inflicted by the Corona virus, I cannot help but feel that our human fragility is exposed to the core. I guess, it all goes back to the question of where is God? It’s a difficult question to answer in times like this. I read the following quote in an article in The New York Times, entitled ‘Where Is God in a Pandemic?’: “In the end, the most honest answer to the question of why the Covid19 virus is killing thousands of people, why infectious diseases ravage humanity and why there is suffering at all is: We don’t know. For me, this is the most honest and accurate answer. One could also suggest how viruses are part of the natural world and in some way contribute to life, but this approach fails abjectly when speaking to someone who has lost a friend or loved one. An important question for the believer in times of suffering is this: Can you believe in a God you don’t understand?” I hear this question a lot these days.

The question at the end of the quote above is what I want to speak to. I can believe in God even if I cannot claim to fully understand Him. Here is why:

I must say one thing first: Jesus never promised us a life free of pain. He never said that everything would be hunky dory if we believed and followed Him. Many people claim this promise. It is a promise that was never made. I don’t remember a situation in the Bible where God changed the circumstances. I remember Him granting His people ways to cope or to get through their troubles, but I don’t recall a situation where He changed the circumstances. God’s rescue has never been pretty. I’m thinking of the escape from Egypt, the countless warfare engaged in by His people and ultimately, the gruesome sight of Jesus hanging on a cross as an act of deliverance for all those who put their trust in Him. Whether you are a believer or not, the idea of Jesus, on the cross, dying for humanity, is a hard one to take. To someone who doesn’t believe, it is a medieval idea of punishment from a mean God. They argue against the idea of fear and say that God is love. To me this is the theory of an impotent God. If you or I had one thing done against us, we are up in arms. Oh, yes, we are!  We are offended by insults against our character, or pushbacks (that may even be justified) but which expose some failing. We are offended when we’re overlooked or not acknowledged. We’re offended for many reasons, some of which may be fair reasons, but most of which aren’t always just. To a believer, God, who is perfect has the bigger right to be offended against the many human sins. The imperfect human has a lesser right. The idea of Jesus dying on a cross, is also very difficult for a Christian to take. When you start to believe, your sin is impressed upon you and as you read God’s Word and look at Jesus more closely, you start to see why His death is just so wrong. It should’ve been us. So, to both the believer and the non-believer, God’s rescue is painful.

However, the believer can still believe because whilst we may not fully understand God, He understands us. Jesus, who we believe was fully human and he identified Himself with man (Matthew 3: 13- 17; Mark 1: 9 -11) even as He was fully God, suffered. He understands the depths of human suffering. It would be fair to say that He knew loneliness: He suffered alone in the end. He was deserted by His friends (Mark 14:50; Luke 22: 59 – 62; Isaiah 53: 3). He was deserted by God (Matthew 27:46; Mark 15:34). He died alone on a cross, striped of all His glory. To this end, believers who are struggling with loneliness know that they have a God who understands. He empathizes in a way another person can’t. To believers who may be abandoned, defeated by these circumstances, grieving loss, fighting for their lives, etc. their trust is in a God who understands. It is in a God who isn’t alien to the concept of suffering, and who is truly able to love them as a result. It is in a God, who Himself, suffered the biggest injustice (perfect being dying for sinners, whose value would never come close to His own) and who as a result of defeating that cruel cross, can give to all who identify themselves in Him, the crown of life. The strength of our belief isn’t from us. It is a gift from God – or else, we’d not be able to believe or hold on (Ephesians 2: 8 – 9; Philippians 1: 29; Acts 3: 16). I guess it’s not the question of what we need to understand or do but what we know our rescuer understands and has done.

There will be believers who will lose their lives, sadly. There will be a lot of grief and pain. There will be isolation in more ways than one right now. There will be hardships from the economic downturn that is coming hard on the heels of this virus. There will be a drastic change to life as we know it in many ways – the list goes on and on and on. It is difficult to always find comfort when it hurts but it is important to recognize the truths that we know. God is good. He has prepared a place for us. The things on earth are temporal, and we have a promise that there will be no more tears or pain (Revelation 21:4), which at times such as what we now find ourselves in, must serve as a spur not to give up that hope. The believer knows: it is not our strength that sustains us – it is God. This knowledge is not an irrational act of blind faith (as many accuse us of). It based on fact: fact that Jesus, God’s own Son, came as man to die on the cross, to save us from our sins. This is the God that we believe in.

 

We are in interesting times right now. Most countries are exercising some kind of lock down or social distancing because of the Corona virus. In Malaysia, a Restriction of Movement Order (RMO) was issued commencing 18 March. All over social media and in face to face conversations, the spread of the Corona virus, the RMO in Malaysia and lock downs in different countries and a whole host of other Covid19 related topics are the focal point.

On the one hand, we see panic and anxiety at work. We have people running out and panic buying. Viral videos on fights for toilet paper shock and entertain at the same time. We also see complete apathy. There are those who take quite an abusive tone and make harsh, sarcastic comments about everyone else. It’s impossible to miss the sneer in their posts. Then there are those who cannot be reasoned with, who insist on going on with life as if there was no virus to contend with. They ignore social distancing calls and perhaps end up putting some lives in danger. There are those who feel the situation has given them a perfect mask for racist and xenophobic comments. You can always spot the racists, xenophobes and the religious intolerant folk. Their cries ring out louder than most and what they say is unmistakable. A certain population, people of religious beliefs, or a racial group are undeniably the cause of the virus. Calls for avoidance and aggression fall from their lips. There are too the wonderful voices of wit, who inject much needed humour into what is a difficult situation. We mustn’t forget the voices of calm and reason that ring out too, amidst the chaos. They call for order and calm and remind us about helping one another. So many voices going on at the same time, while the virus marches on steadily without the division that slows us down.

These are interesting times indeed! I’ve been working from home for awhile now. I was unwell, which necessitated me working from home. The Corona virus has now resulted in this working from home being extended. I’m not arguing with it – it makes sense to do all we can to contain the virus. I was just saying to a few different people I’ve been messaging, that the impact Covid19 has on daily life doesn’t cease to amaze me. Restaurants are closed. Some that can manage no contact deliveries or pick ups are staying open but that’s not very many. Cities and towns are empty. There’s hardly anyone out and about. Supermarket shelves have been cleared out. Toilet paper has found new prominence in grocery items. Factory workers to bankers are all affected in how they work and, in some instances, in how they are paid. Schools, universities, places of worship, etc. are all closed. Online lessons and streaming options are being discussed and utilized. Everyone’s having to make changes. I’m barely scratching the surface with some of what I’ve mentioned here.

I cannot imagine the worry and anxiety for different people. I feel for those who are working in the health industry and who bravely face the virus at the risk of exposure to it. I don’t for a minute think we can properly thank them or appreciate the heroism that we’re seeing here. We’ve seen different examples of it before in firefighters, soldiers or armed forces, social workers, care givers, etc., who’ve gone ahead to act selflessly in the face of the different terrors that have arisen. The worries they have inside, which they somehow put aside to serve is just beyond words. The anxiety their families and friends may endure is another thing. It’s difficult enough facing a problem, without knowing that a loved one is putting their life on the line. There are a whole host of worries: there are people who rely on meals in schools for their kids; there are people whose jobs don’t allow them work from home options; there are people who don’t get paid when they can’t work and the virus has meant shutdowns of factories or other workplaces; there are people who are old or ill or in some other way incapacitated and who cannot rush out and get supplies, etc.; there are people who are cut off from care or aid that they need during this time; and the list is endless. It suffices to say that this is truly a worrying time.

In some small measure (maybe not so small!), I am worried too. I am worried because of how Covid19 is impacting my own work. Every plan has been scrapped: travels to meet and connect with new, budding partners have been put on hold; events I had envisioned to raise awareness for my work cannot go on as planned; even meetings with partners and new contacts are being called off. I worry that this means failure. I feel almost silly confessing this when I look at the other worries that exist. I am worried about my aged father. Old people are particularly susceptible. I am worried too that I won’t be able to manage things fully because of my own illness and that the medications I’m on for it are suppressing my immune system. It is almost as if this virus is striking at the heart of my own capabilities in my personal life. I have no control or power over it. It doesn’t bode well with me.

I think of God and I join Christians all over the world in praying to Him for reprieve. I pray with fervour on some days. On other days, I struggle to pray. My inconsistencies are terribly consistent. I acknowledge this with shame.

As I struggle to struggle in prayer more diligently, I am reminded of the wonderful verse in Isaiah 41:10, where God says: ‘…fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ I confess, I struggle with this one sometimes, as much as I love the verse. God doesn’t give me an answer to a problem. He gives me Himself. I think my problem is, I mostly don’t know what to do with Him. To my mind, I have no doubt that He can strengthen or help me. I have no doubt. He’s the Creator of the universe. He commands all things. I guess I just don’t know what it will look like when He strengthens or helps me.

As I write this, I’m a little worried about the light wheeze that’s developing in my lungs and the slight temperature that I’m running. I’ll definitely go see a doctor in the morning, but I’d much rather not have anything to do with the Corona virus and if it’s up to me, it’ll be completely gone by the morning. I messaged friends of mine, my family in Christ, to say I’m not feeling so well. Guess what? So many prayers are pouring through – and this feels like an outpouring of love: generous and warm. It makes me wonder if God’s schooling me right now as I work out the implications of Isaiah 41:10. He shows me He is with me through this outpouring of care. It’s never how I’d work it out. Maybe that’s the deeper issue: if it were up to me, it’d never be God alone that suffices. That’s another shameful confession. As much as I know He is good and He is the only truth that matters, it is difficult to relinquish control. I wouldn’t have chosen Covid19 under any circumstances. Yet I hope that as things go on, I am better able to work out Isaiah 41: 10 and reconcile the truth I know to its practical application in my life.

May God grant us all His mercies at this time.

 

 

There are many questions going through my head these days. There is also a lot of irritation. I wish there wasn’t. The questions seem fair, but the irritation seem like an unwanted scratching of fingernails across a chalk board. Yuck! Always makes me shudder.

It is no secret that I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve not gone on to a mountain top to shout it out – so if you’ve not been told, don’t be offended. I perhaps haven’t got around to it. I thought I’d be given a pass on it – and despite it being on my mum’s mind, that I might inherit her disease, I don’t remember being ever unduly worried. I remember dismissing her fears though. I remember asking her what the point of worrying was. It’s not that I had a grip on things and knew exactly what I would do if I ever got it. I’m not that organized! It was just that I never thought I’d get it. When the pains first started in my fingers and then my wrist, I attributed it to my own carelessness. I was very sure that I had somehow crushed my fingers or knocked my wrist on something, without realizing it. I was very sure! In fact, when my left knee first swelled up and throbbed like crazy on the morning of church camp, I was dead sure that I’d somehow hurt myself in my sleep! It never crossed my mind that this is what I had. So, when it was suggested to me that I see a doctor immediately because it may just be RA, I was quite happy to laugh it off. I delayed going and got nagged and so I finally went with an ‘I’ll just get it ruled out and that’ll get them off my case!’ I was so sure it was something superficial and that I’d be over and done with it in a tick. Well. Apparently, I can also be wrong!

There were things that happened as a result of the diagnosis. There was a bit of fear that crept in. I had seen what the disease had done to my mum. Let’s just say, it’s not exactly inviting! I also felt excessively tired. That was such a new feeling for me. I mean – I’ve known tiredness but nothing like this. This tiredness consumed my body and my mind. I wanted to check out of everything and sleep. I’d somewhat recovered some of the buzz in my life after losing mum and going on a journey of acknowledging that grief and its effects in my life. Things were looking good again. I was enjoying it all. Fear and tiredness are not a very good combo. I felt myself digging in – sometimes I felt like I was digging into my memory of my mum. Sometimes I felt like I was digging into my own strength, which didn’t feel very secure. At points, I felt like I was digging into God, which felt strange. I mean – it’s one thing to pray for something you want – but it felt like something else to pray not just for something you wanted but for something you really needed. I hadn’t quite got used to digging into God for this: not at the point of the diagnosis.

Yet – God is faithful. I say this un-waveringly. I have fewer memories of my mum without the RA than I do of her battling it. However, I never thought it would really happen to me, as a result of being convinced that God had really blessed me with a super-power that would show itself once I figured out how to unlock it. So, I found it difficult to really draw from memories of my mum. I confess that I felt a bit of a failure where she was concerned. I know my mum was a very strong woman and that her faith enabled her to push ahead despite the debilitating disease. Yet, my mind kept spinning to conversations that she and I had had countless times about the disappointment she faced because of the disease. She so often spoke of things that she would’ve loved to have done together with me but that she was forced to forgo. She spoke of dreams that couldn’t ever become a reality because of the RA. She cried genuine tears for the loss of prime years, for the stress that her illness put on her marriage to my dad and for how she couldn’t always display the vulnerability that she needed to family or friends. She spoke of embarrassment at not being able to do things and of how she disliked being photographed because she felt the deformities showed. She also rued not being in photographs for the same reason. These thoughts didn’t bring me comfort at the point when I first trying to make sense of my illness.

It got a bit too much for me and I quit a job that I loved in a workplace where I had some amazing colleagues. I could feel myself going all strange, trying to figure this out. I didn’t like and I still don’t like it when people tell me to rest. Like really? You think I don’t know? I have mini explosions inside every time I hear this word: ‘rest’. I do at points wish to remind them that that I am not a sheep. Maybe rest would come easier if I were, with my mouth full of grass, stuck somewhere in a herd of cattle, not needing to move too much.  You are preaching to the converted! The irritation has run high at such points!

I got my diagnosis in the middle of June 2017. It is now March 2020. Soon it will be three years. A lot has happened in these three years. Have I told you? God is faithful. Questions started popping into my mind. I started reading up more about the illness – and I wish there was as much information about it when it first struck my mum, as there is now. How she would’ve benefited. These few years, I’ve spent my time, making my home friendlier to a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis. There are lessons that happen over the course of time. Learning experientially isn’t always as fun as they say it is – I could write a module arguing against it! Yet – experience is a wonderful teacher and my mum was indeed a wonderful example. The disappointments that she voiced were a real godsend. God used them to help me start making the necessary changes. God used some of the sadness she expressed to help me recognize issues that I’m facing right now. For instance, I love entertaining. I want to be able to have friends over and as much as I can’t do things in exactly the same way I used to, which initially made me very sad, I have started trying to figure out how to do what I love in a way that I like. It means making changes. It’s not always easy to make a change. Another example is when I went to a historical state with a couple of friends in January this year, I almost died. I’ve been to this state so many times and I’ve walked for hours on end, without batting an eyelid. This time, I wanted to collapse in a heap by the ruins that we visited. Yet – I found it extremely hard to say that I needed a break. Thankfully, the heat in Malaysia made it difficult for my friends to do as much and they said they wanted a rest. That was my saving grace! These friends of mine are lovely and they wouldn’t have minded it I had wanted to sit something out or if I had said that I couldn’t go on. Yet – I was embarrassed at my shortcomings. It was something I hadn’t figured out. The next time I plan an outing, I’ll think better about things and I’ve psyched myself up to be able to say what needs to be said. Another thing that mum used to talk about was the lack of understanding that there is – among loved ones and people who really ought to know better! I’m beginning to see what she meant more and more clearly.

There are people who have taken offence when I’m unable to shake hands with them. On days like that, I’m not necessarily in the frame of mind to explain that I’m in pain. I’m probably using up a lot of energy already to just be present. There are the friends who look at me on some mornings and exclaim how terrible I look! Thanks! I have a mirror at home – which isn’t cracked, contrary to popular belief. If I look terrible, it’s probably because I had to wake up at some ungodly hour – just to try and overcome the crazy levels of stiffness in my joints – just so that I wouldn’t be crazy late. I would’ve probably been drenched in sweat thanks to the pain and that may have covered up the fact that I really tried to look presentable. In my head, I’ve perfected Captain America’s throwing of his shield right into their mugs. ‘See how good you look after that’, is what I say triumphantly in my head! Usually outwardly, I manage a wry smile. The list is endless.

God willing, I’ve still got some time left on earth. I like earth! I need to work and socialize. I don’t desire copious amounts of rest, though I need a fair bit. I want to dance – but I don’t think my joints will have it anymore and there are things that I feel may not be what I will do again. I won’t be walking for 18 hours on end when I go on holiday. I won’t be planning a strenuous holiday. I’ll not be sleeping in a capsule ever again (like ever!). My days of wearing high heels are gone – and with that, ends my ability to create the illusion of my ideal height. I can’t wear my rings on most days, and I find anything that rests on my joints – like bracelets or necklaces, a right chore. I want shoes that are easy to wear and that are super comfortable. I don’t want clothes that have terribly fancy buttons or hooks – oh heavens! Keep those away My days of wearing sarees are over – as much as I love them. I love baking – but I’m not going to be able to bake for weddings and large crowds. I think I won’t be doing any large-scale cooking either. I won’t be buying heavy books to read, no matter how beautiful the covers are. The list is endless and what sucks most for me is, it is likely to grow.

Anyhow, I can’t stop living! There’s too much life inside of me. I desire those conversations with friends, where you either laugh till your sides split or you spill a few tears. I desire connection with people – hopefully in different ways, since I can’t too do many ‘fun’ things these days. I don’t want pity. Save that for someone with a severe case of hypochondria. You’ll get further there! Yet – some understanding would be great! I don’t want to keep explaining that this is what I suffer from: if you can remember, I’d appreciate it. Otherwise – never mind! Just go play in a different park. I’d also like a safe space: to express the fears and disappointments that my mum was able to as it keeps things honest. I’d like to be honest with myself and with you. This means, if I tell you that I worry about how the RA is affecting my eyes, you don’t start thinking of me as weak. It means if I tell you something isn’t possible, know that I’m not giving up quickly. Recognize that it’s rational fear or consideration of anyone who’s independent and practical. This list is also endless! There is one more thing that I should add to it though.

Through this pain, I want to remember God. I want to remember that Jesus is good. I want to remember that He is merciful and compassionate. I want to remember that I am here to serve Him and that even if full healing is not what He desires for me right now, that I will never stop remembering that I am here to serve Him – not vice versa. I want this fire to never go out, even on the days that I don’t want to get out of bed. I want this reality to always sit with me, as it did with my mum. I once told her that I wished I could carry the burden of her illness for her. She rebuked me by saying that what God wanted for her in her walk with Him was not for me to interfere with. How right she was. I don’t want pity and I don’t want bucket loads of soppy sympathy. I am on a journey and God is my pillar. He is my strength and He has guaranteed me salvation. I’m learning so much about Him and it is wonderful. He is so real, when I am open about my pain. He promises me an eternal blessing: ‘So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.’ (2 Corinthians 4: 16 – 18). I do thank God for the amazing support that I have in Him and for some of my loved ones who are constantly there for me in a real sense: where we talk about each other’s questions and poke fun at the irritations. Such providence indeed.