Category: Uncategorized

My world revolves quite a bit around my work. I think it’d be safe to say that is the case for most people. We spend a large part of our day working, whether it is remotely or in an office. Of course, right now, for a lot of us, work is remote because of COVID19. ‘WFH’ is a coined abbreviation and it is one of the many things that this virus has done to impact our working lives. Even amidst the virus, and changed routines, I find that most of us are still planning around work. I’m not blaming anyone here. Am just stating it as it is. It underlines the value of what we do and what we bring to the table and it certainly is something we would consider essential. The big problem that’s affecting world leaders is how to get everyone back to work safely? Sweden’s defiance is interesting. They say that if they don’t work and keep the economy going, it is just as bad as being impacted by the Corona virus. It is a fascinating argument. You can see the logic of it. If you’re anywhere that’s going through a restriction of movement or a lock down, you’re certainly witnessing the economic crisis happening. There are people we rely on, who get paid hourly or daily – from the milkman, to the gardener, the plumbers, the cleaners and so on, who make our lives so much easier and better, but who haven’t been able to go about their business as usual. Work has come to a screeching halt for them. Additionally, shops and restaurants and other businesses (like the hairdressers, which I think is a very essential service!), are mostly shut. Some have managed to get themselves into the position of delivering their product, but this isn’t possible in all cases. There are heaps of parking spaces, where previously you’d have to hunt for much coveted spots, when you go out. It feels surreal.

Yet, for some of us who are blessed to have jobs, where we can function from home, are still scrambling for various reasons. Some of these reasons may seem basic, like figuring out a proper work-space at home. Not everyone had a need for one before the virus struck and now it feels like people are trying to get themselves set up in a way that they can function effectively. Some are trying to figure out how to get things done. Not all work is desk based. Some people work in labs, etc. and other need to go out and meet people.  Some people have families around them and try as they might, there is a fight for their attention. If they’ve got kids, there is a need for them to be keeping an eye out on them. So many different situations. Not all of these can be so easily got around. There’s a lot to be worked out. It’s good to be chugging along figuring things out but there are worries at the back of most people’s minds. How long is the situation going to go on for? Are their jobs at risk? Can businesses and other organizations survive the economic hit? What happens to on-going projects that are suddenly halted? The questions are endless. They are a little bit overwhelming. Yet, we try so hard to figure these things out. Work is important. We need it to go on, if we’re to have anything of a secure income. Where do we go from here?

As I think about some of these things in my own situation, I cannot help but think about Jesus and His work. Today is Good Friday and most of us tuned in or are tuning in at some point to online services that have taken the place of our gathering together in churches. As with almost every single Good Friday, I remember from the time I was a child, there is always mention of Jesus’ infamous words: “It is finished!” As I reflect on these words during this COVID19 season, I can’t help but feel that the power behind those words even more than ever.

The cruelty of Jesus’ death and the brutality that takes place even before He is crucified is difficult to swallow. It’s even more so, when I think that it is for the likes of me. I’m horrified the injustice He faces at the Sanhedrin, the legal arena, where I’d have mostly expected to have acted justly. Desertion by friends, sham trial, mockery, brutal beatings and abuse of all sorts, would exhaust anyone. It couldn’t have been easy to bear. Yet, Jesus seems to have been exhausted by the burden of it even before He was arrested: in the Garden of Gethsemane, where we’re told He sweated drops of blood because He was in agony (Luke 22: 44). He knew the horror that was awaiting Him. He knew. He had no illusions there. He had come to die (Isaiah 53: 1 – 12, Psalm 22: 14 – 18, John 10: 17 – 18 – there are countless verses). Jesus came to die. His work or mission was to die. How He managed to get out of bed for this, is a big question mark for me. Yet, we’re told just this. One of the verses in the Bible, that always makes me gulp is Luke 9:51: ‘When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem.’ He knew exactly what His task was, and despite knowing what lay ahead, He went about His work. He didn’t at any point make excuses, change His mind – considering those He was dying for were hardly worthy.

There are no words that can fully explain the magnitude of God’s love for us (John 3:16). It is something that I think we never fully fathom, because we are often distracted, anxious, angry, or even disinterested. Our circumstances bring about many of these feelings in us – and we keep forgetting just how much we are loved.

When I think about my own work considering COVID19, I am worried about several things. I am very worried about how I am going to do my job! I have always been able to achieve goals. I am terribly worried that I won’t be able to this time. It’s been stressing me a lot because trips in February and April were cancelled and other plans have had to be called off as well. I am struggling to see how I can work things out. I know others with other equally or more pressing issues concerning work. We’re all anxious. I can’t imagine how many of our organizations will be able to pay us. It feels like a big work failure is looming ahead for a lot of us. We may lose our jobs – a very real situation! Those who have already been out of work or who recently graduated and who have all been job hunting for awhile will know that there’s a real chance that it’s going to take a lot longer!

But then I pause and look back at the cross. And I know – it is finished. Today, I remember in this sadness and abject failure of humanity (which is reflected in me too), which brought about the world’s saddest day, but leads to the best possible news: victory, because, Jesus didn’t remain dead. He rose from the dead. His body wasn’t stolen! It wouldn’t have been possible. The disciples were a wreck and they were afraid. There is no way, they could have secured his body under the watchful eyes of Roman soldiers, who would’ve been very watchful, under the pain of death! There were witnesses who saw Him (and it’s unlikely that so many people would’ve had the same hallucination, as often claimed). He is alive. He finished His work! So, whatever befalls us now, we know, that we are safe. ‘For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height  nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8: 38 – 39). This is a reminder of what the reality is for us now. Whether it may be the virus that causes a lot of distress, discomfort or sorrow, or another set of circumstances yet to come, may we never lose hope that Jesus was able to finish His work. Instead of letting the desperation come over us, let us set our faces firmly towards telling others about Him (Matthew 28: 18 – 20). May more and more people be set free because it is finished.

There are so many layers to life that are being affected by the Corona virus. I can’t even begin to imagine. The obvious ones have been those whose immediate incomes were badly affected because of the lock downs or movement restrictions where they are. Then you have those who are being told about upcoming loss of jobs, radical pay cuts and whatnots. Students overseas are being told if they can’t support themselves, that they may need to return home. How painful for young dreams at those words. Old folk are suddenly even more isolated than before: it’s out of love that their loved ones can’t visit them. Travel bans not just internationally but in countries like mine, we aren’t allowed to go more than a 10-kilometer radius. Buying things is simply not the same: online deliveries are being stretched under a heavy strain and you’ve just got to stomach it if you can’t get exactly what you want. All of us at so many different levels are having to adjust to a new social order and we’ve not been given much choice or notice! It’s a do or die feeling at points, which probably is why people fight over bog-rolls and panic buy. You just don’t know what will happen.

I cannot imagine for a moment those who are sick. They can’t be visited by family or friends, who would otherwise be their source of comfort. As a Christian, I know that God’s love is displayed through these players in our lives: we feel comfort and are cared for. That is grace. So it puts me out trying to reconcile how some of these people have had to die alone and how so many are having to suffer alone in hospitals while the rest of us have to go on, on our own, in the land of the living, which doesn’t feel very recognizable anymore. I can understand why anyone would question God and His goodness that Christians so often talk about. How could a loving God do this? Where is the justice of it all?

Within my own sphere of family and friends alone, there’s much going on. I know people who have been suffering from loneliness as a result of various circumstances: some have lost spouses/family, some have had to go through divorce, some have lost the ability to go out into the world because of illness – and the list goes on. How much more isolated do they feel now? It is hard to imagine. I can’t even begin to think of the things that run through their heads. I know people who struggle with anxiety. Under normal circumstances, they were anxious. I can’t imagine what this whole situation with Covid19 is doing to their anxiety levels. I can’t even begin, nay – I dare not begin to imagine, the fear that they are projecting on to others as a result. How much higher do their stress levels go, I can’t imagine! I know people who tend to keep to themselves a lot and who generally get overlooked. Some do try to keep in touch but now with travel bans, are cut off from visits and can’t help more. At the best of times, these hermit sorts struggle to ask for help. It’s a paradox that never fails to perplex me. Now, even more, they may need help but just can’t ask for it because help’s not going to come from a quarter that they’re familiar with. They go on to suffer alone. I can’t imagine how I’m going to work things out for my own job, where I need to meet with people and get them together over events. This is a curve ball that has winded me, and I need a moment to process it. Yet, at least, there is something to process, which is, a blessing. That makes me think about those who’ve lost their jobs. How do they pay the bills? How do they get in supplies? What does this do to morale? I can’t imagine those who struggle with depression and other illnesses, where these times of added troubles may be triggers to some of their battles. I can’t for a moment fathom how to help some of them work it out. I can’t imagine a no movement order that may mean a person is locked in with their abuser. That feels like a hell of its own kind. You can’t even escape. Physical abuse is one thing, what about those who are being abused emotionally at this time? Some of them may not even realize they are being abused: they just know they have a sinking feeling inside. How can I imagine this feeling of being unappreciated, uncared for, etc.? Adults may be able to reach out for some sort of help through hotlines that are being put out. What happens if it’s a child? I can’t begin to imagine this pain. There are so many layers of our lives that this virus has attacked.

World leaders very obviously are out of their depths. In countries like mine, you hardly know whether to laugh or cry, when married women are asked to mimic Doraemon, who turns out to be a Japanese manga character (a male robot cat – I have no idea how this is possible, so don’t ask). There are ridiculous suggestions such as using Africans as human test subjects for the Corona virus drug. There are ridiculous accusations of hospital staff stealing much needed protective equipment as they’re on the frontlines trying to save lives. There are so many ridiculous ideas and theories floating around right now: it’s impossible to list out.

To me, as I look at the smatterings of pain and hardship inflicted by the Corona virus, I cannot help but feel that our human fragility is exposed to the core. I guess, it all goes back to the question of where is God? It’s a difficult question to answer in times like this. I read the following quote in an article in The New York Times, entitled ‘Where Is God in a Pandemic?’: “In the end, the most honest answer to the question of why the Covid19 virus is killing thousands of people, why infectious diseases ravage humanity and why there is suffering at all is: We don’t know. For me, this is the most honest and accurate answer. One could also suggest how viruses are part of the natural world and in some way contribute to life, but this approach fails abjectly when speaking to someone who has lost a friend or loved one. An important question for the believer in times of suffering is this: Can you believe in a God you don’t understand?” I hear this question a lot these days.

The question at the end of the quote above is what I want to speak to. I can believe in God even if I cannot claim to fully understand Him. Here is why:

I must say one thing first: Jesus never promised us a life free of pain. He never said that everything would be hunky dory if we believed and followed Him. Many people claim this promise. It is a promise that was never made. I don’t remember a situation in the Bible where God changed the circumstances. I remember Him granting His people ways to cope or to get through their troubles, but I don’t recall a situation where He changed the circumstances. God’s rescue has never been pretty. I’m thinking of the escape from Egypt, the countless warfare engaged in by His people and ultimately, the gruesome sight of Jesus hanging on a cross as an act of deliverance for all those who put their trust in Him. Whether you are a believer or not, the idea of Jesus, on the cross, dying for humanity, is a hard one to take. To someone who doesn’t believe, it is a medieval idea of punishment from a mean God. They argue against the idea of fear and say that God is love. To me this is the theory of an impotent God. If you or I had one thing done against us, we are up in arms. Oh, yes, we are!  We are offended by insults against our character, or pushbacks (that may even be justified) but which expose some failing. We are offended when we’re overlooked or not acknowledged. We’re offended for many reasons, some of which may be fair reasons, but most of which aren’t always just. To a believer, God, who is perfect has the bigger right to be offended against the many human sins. The imperfect human has a lesser right. The idea of Jesus dying on a cross, is also very difficult for a Christian to take. When you start to believe, your sin is impressed upon you and as you read God’s Word and look at Jesus more closely, you start to see why His death is just so wrong. It should’ve been us. So, to both the believer and the non-believer, God’s rescue is painful.

However, the believer can still believe because whilst we may not fully understand God, He understands us. Jesus, who we believe was fully human and he identified Himself with man (Matthew 3: 13- 17; Mark 1: 9 -11) even as He was fully God, suffered. He understands the depths of human suffering. It would be fair to say that He knew loneliness: He suffered alone in the end. He was deserted by His friends (Mark 14:50; Luke 22: 59 – 62; Isaiah 53: 3). He was deserted by God (Matthew 27:46; Mark 15:34). He died alone on a cross, striped of all His glory. To this end, believers who are struggling with loneliness know that they have a God who understands. He empathizes in a way another person can’t. To believers who may be abandoned, defeated by these circumstances, grieving loss, fighting for their lives, etc. their trust is in a God who understands. It is in a God who isn’t alien to the concept of suffering, and who is truly able to love them as a result. It is in a God, who Himself, suffered the biggest injustice (perfect being dying for sinners, whose value would never come close to His own) and who as a result of defeating that cruel cross, can give to all who identify themselves in Him, the crown of life. The strength of our belief isn’t from us. It is a gift from God – or else, we’d not be able to believe or hold on (Ephesians 2: 8 – 9; Philippians 1: 29; Acts 3: 16). I guess it’s not the question of what we need to understand or do but what we know our rescuer understands and has done.

There will be believers who will lose their lives, sadly. There will be a lot of grief and pain. There will be isolation in more ways than one right now. There will be hardships from the economic downturn that is coming hard on the heels of this virus. There will be a drastic change to life as we know it in many ways – the list goes on and on and on. It is difficult to always find comfort when it hurts but it is important to recognize the truths that we know. God is good. He has prepared a place for us. The things on earth are temporal, and we have a promise that there will be no more tears or pain (Revelation 21:4), which at times such as what we now find ourselves in, must serve as a spur not to give up that hope. The believer knows: it is not our strength that sustains us – it is God. This knowledge is not an irrational act of blind faith (as many accuse us of). It based on fact: fact that Jesus, God’s own Son, came as man to die on the cross, to save us from our sins. This is the God that we believe in.

We are in interesting times right now. Most countries are exercising some kind of lock down or social distancing because of the Corona virus. In Malaysia, a Restriction of Movement Order (RMO) was issued commencing 18 March. All over social media and in face to face conversations, the spread of the Corona virus, the RMO in Malaysia and lock downs in different countries and a whole host of other Covid19 related topics are the focal point.

On the one hand, we see panic and anxiety at work. We have people running out and panic buying. Viral videos on fights for toilet paper shock and entertain at the same time. We also see complete apathy. There are those who take quite an abusive tone and make harsh, sarcastic comments about everyone else. It’s impossible to miss the sneer in their posts. Then there are those who cannot be reasoned with, who insist on going on with life as if there was no virus to contend with. They ignore social distancing calls and perhaps end up putting some lives in danger. There are those who feel the situation has given them a perfect mask for racist and xenophobic comments. You can always spot the racists, xenophobes and the religious intolerant folk. Their cries ring out louder than most and what they say is unmistakable. A certain population, people of religious beliefs, or a racial group are undeniably the cause of the virus. Calls for avoidance and aggression fall from their lips. There are too the wonderful voices of wit, who inject much needed humour into what is a difficult situation. We mustn’t forget the voices of calm and reason that ring out too, amidst the chaos. They call for order and calm and remind us about helping one another. So many voices going on at the same time, while the virus marches on steadily without the division that slows us down.

These are interesting times indeed! I’ve been working from home for awhile now. I was unwell, which necessitated me working from home. The Corona virus has now resulted in this working from home being extended. I’m not arguing with it – it makes sense to do all we can to contain the virus. I was just saying to a few different people I’ve been messaging, that the impact Covid19 has on daily life doesn’t cease to amaze me. Restaurants are closed. Some that can manage no contact deliveries or pick ups are staying open but that’s not very many. Cities and towns are empty. There’s hardly anyone out and about. Supermarket shelves have been cleared out. Toilet paper has found new prominence in grocery items. Factory workers to bankers are all affected in how they work and, in some instances, in how they are paid. Schools, universities, places of worship, etc. are all closed. Online lessons and streaming options are being discussed and utilized. Everyone’s having to make changes. I’m barely scratching the surface with some of what I’ve mentioned here.

I cannot imagine the worry and anxiety for different people. I feel for those who are working in the health industry and who bravely face the virus at the risk of exposure to it. I don’t for a minute think we can properly thank them or appreciate the heroism that we’re seeing here. We’ve seen different examples of it before in firefighters, soldiers or armed forces, social workers, care givers, etc., who’ve gone ahead to act selflessly in the face of the different terrors that have arisen. The worries they have inside, which they somehow put aside to serve is just beyond words. The anxiety their families and friends may endure is another thing. It’s difficult enough facing a problem, without knowing that a loved one is putting their life on the line. There are a whole host of worries: there are people who rely on meals in schools for their kids; there are people whose jobs don’t allow them work from home options; there are people who don’t get paid when they can’t work and the virus has meant shutdowns of factories or other workplaces; there are people who are old or ill or in some other way incapacitated and who cannot rush out and get supplies, etc.; there are people who are cut off from care or aid that they need during this time; and the list is endless. It suffices to say that this is truly a worrying time.

In some small measure (maybe not so small!), I am worried too. I am worried because of how Covid19 is impacting my own work. Every plan has been scrapped: travels to meet and connect with new, budding partners have been put on hold; events I had envisioned to raise awareness for my work cannot go on as planned; even meetings with partners and new contacts are being called off. I worry that this means failure. I feel almost silly confessing this when I look at the other worries that exist. I am worried about my aged father. Old people are particularly susceptible. I am worried too that I won’t be able to manage things fully because of my own illness and that the medications I’m on for it are suppressing my immune system. It is almost as if this virus is striking at the heart of my own capabilities in my personal life. I have no control or power over it. It doesn’t bode well with me.

I think of God and I join Christians all over the world in praying to Him for reprieve. I pray with fervour on some days. On other days, I struggle to pray. My inconsistencies are terribly consistent. I acknowledge this with shame.

As I struggle to struggle in prayer more diligently, I am reminded of the wonderful verse in Isaiah 41:10, where God says: ‘…fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ I confess, I struggle with this one sometimes, as much as I love the verse. God doesn’t give me an answer to a problem. He gives me Himself. I think my problem is, I mostly don’t know what to do with Him. To my mind, I have no doubt that He can strengthen or help me. I have no doubt. He’s the Creator of the universe. He commands all things. I guess I just don’t know what it will look like when He strengthens or helps me.

As I write this, I’m a little worried about the light wheeze that’s developing in my lungs and the slight temperature that I’m running. I’ll definitely go see a doctor in the morning, but I’d much rather not have anything to do with the Corona virus and if it’s up to me, it’ll be completely gone by the morning. I messaged friends of mine, my family in Christ, to say I’m not feeling so well. Guess what? So many prayers are pouring through – and this feels like an outpouring of love: generous and warm. It makes me wonder if God’s schooling me right now as I work out the implications of Isaiah 41:10. He shows me He is with me through this outpouring of care. It’s never how I’d work it out. Maybe that’s the deeper issue: if it were up to me, it’d never be God alone that suffices. That’s another shameful confession. As much as I know He is good and He is the only truth that matters, it is difficult to relinquish control. I wouldn’t have chosen Covid19 under any circumstances. Yet I hope that as things go on, I am better able to work out Isaiah 41: 10 and reconcile the truth I know to its practical application in my life.

May God grant us all His mercies at this time.

There are many questions going through my head these days. There is also a lot of irritation. I wish there wasn’t. The questions seem fair, but the irritation seem like an unwanted scratching of fingernails across a chalk board. Yuck! Always makes me shudder.

It is no secret that I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve not gone on to a mountain top to shout it out – so if you’ve not been told, don’t be offended. I perhaps haven’t got around to it. I thought I’d be given a pass on it – and despite it being on my mum’s mind, that I might inherit her disease, I don’t remember being ever unduly worried. I remember dismissing her fears though. I remember asking her what the point of worrying was. It’s not that I had a grip on things and knew exactly what I would do if I ever got it. I’m not that organized! It was just that I never thought I’d get it. When the pains first started in my fingers and then my wrist, I attributed it to my own carelessness. I was very sure that I had somehow crushed my fingers or knocked my wrist on something, without realizing it. I was very sure! In fact, when my left knee first swelled up and throbbed like crazy on the morning of church camp, I was dead sure that I’d somehow hurt myself in my sleep! It never crossed my mind that this is what I had. So, when it was suggested to me that I see a doctor immediately because it may just be RA, I was quite happy to laugh it off. I delayed going and got nagged and so I finally went with an ‘I’ll just get it ruled out and that’ll get them off my case!’ I was so sure it was something superficial and that I’d be over and done with it in a tick. Well. Apparently, I can also be wrong!

There were things that happened as a result of the diagnosis. There was a bit of fear that crept in. I had seen what the disease had done to my mum. Let’s just say, it’s not exactly inviting! I also felt excessively tired. That was such a new feeling for me. I mean – I’ve known tiredness but nothing like this. This tiredness consumed my body and my mind. I wanted to check out of everything and sleep. I’d somewhat recovered some of the buzz in my life after losing mum and going on a journey of acknowledging that grief and its effects in my life. Things were looking good again. I was enjoying it all. Fear and tiredness are not a very good combo. I felt myself digging in – sometimes I felt like I was digging into my memory of my mum. Sometimes I felt like I was digging into my own strength, which didn’t feel very secure. At points, I felt like I was digging into God, which felt strange. I mean – it’s one thing to pray for something you want – but it felt like something else to pray not just for something you wanted but for something you really needed. I hadn’t quite got used to digging into God for this: not at the point of the diagnosis.

Yet – God is faithful. I say this un-waveringly. I have fewer memories of my mum without the RA than I do of her battling it. However, I never thought it would really happen to me, as a result of being convinced that God had really blessed me with a super-power that would show itself once I figured out how to unlock it. So, I found it difficult to really draw from memories of my mum. I confess that I felt a bit of a failure where she was concerned. I know my mum was a very strong woman and that her faith enabled her to push ahead despite the debilitating disease. Yet, my mind kept spinning to conversations that she and I had had countless times about the disappointment she faced because of the disease. She so often spoke of things that she would’ve loved to have done together with me but that she was forced to forgo. She spoke of dreams that couldn’t ever become a reality because of the RA. She cried genuine tears for the loss of prime years, for the stress that her illness put on her marriage to my dad and for how she couldn’t always display the vulnerability that she needed to family or friends. She spoke of embarrassment at not being able to do things and of how she disliked being photographed because she felt the deformities showed. She also rued not being in photographs for the same reason. These thoughts didn’t bring me comfort at the point when I first trying to make sense of my illness.

It got a bit too much for me and I quit a job that I loved in a workplace where I had some amazing colleagues. I could feel myself going all strange, trying to figure this out. I didn’t like and I still don’t like it when people tell me to rest. Like really? You think I don’t know? I have mini explosions inside every time I hear this word: ‘rest’. I do at points wish to remind them that that I am not a sheep. Maybe rest would come easier if I were, with my mouth full of grass, stuck somewhere in a herd of cattle, not needing to move too much.  You are preaching to the converted! The irritation has run high at such points!

I got my diagnosis in the middle of June 2017. It is now March 2020. Soon it will be three years. A lot has happened in these three years. Have I told you? God is faithful. Questions started popping into my mind. I started reading up more about the illness – and I wish there was as much information about it when it first struck my mum, as there is now. How she would’ve benefited. These few years, I’ve spent my time, making my home friendlier to a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis. There are lessons that happen over the course of time. Learning experientially isn’t always as fun as they say it is – I could write a module arguing against it! Yet – experience is a wonderful teacher and my mum was indeed a wonderful example. The disappointments that she voiced were a real godsend. God used them to help me start making the necessary changes. God used some of the sadness she expressed to help me recognize issues that I’m facing right now. For instance, I love entertaining. I want to be able to have friends over and as much as I can’t do things in exactly the same way I used to, which initially made me very sad, I have started trying to figure out how to do what I love in a way that I like. It means making changes. It’s not always easy to make a change. Another example is when I went to a historical state with a couple of friends in January this year, I almost died. I’ve been to this state so many times and I’ve walked for hours on end, without batting an eyelid. This time, I wanted to collapse in a heap by the ruins that we visited. Yet – I found it extremely hard to say that I needed a break. Thankfully, the heat in Malaysia made it difficult for my friends to do as much and they said they wanted a rest. That was my saving grace! These friends of mine are lovely and they wouldn’t have minded it I had wanted to sit something out or if I had said that I couldn’t go on. Yet – I was embarrassed at my shortcomings. It was something I hadn’t figured out. The next time I plan an outing, I’ll think better about things and I’ve psyched myself up to be able to say what needs to be said. Another thing that mum used to talk about was the lack of understanding that there is – among loved ones and people who really ought to know better! I’m beginning to see what she meant more and more clearly.

There are people who have taken offence when I’m unable to shake hands with them. On days like that, I’m not necessarily in the frame of mind to explain that I’m in pain. I’m probably using up a lot of energy already to just be present. There are the friends who look at me on some mornings and exclaim how terrible I look! Thanks! I have a mirror at home – which isn’t cracked, contrary to popular belief. If I look terrible, it’s probably because I had to wake up at some ungodly hour – just to try and overcome the crazy levels of stiffness in my joints – just so that I wouldn’t be crazy late. I would’ve probably been drenched in sweat thanks to the pain and that may have covered up the fact that I really tried to look presentable. In my head, I’ve perfected Captain America’s throwing of his shield right into their mugs. ‘See how good you look after that’, is what I say triumphantly in my head! Usually outwardly, I manage a wry smile. The list is endless.

God willing, I’ve still got some time left on earth. I like earth! I need to work and socialize. I don’t desire copious amounts of rest, though I need a fair bit. I want to dance – but I don’t think my joints will have it anymore and there are things that I feel may not be what I will do again. I won’t be walking for 18 hours on end when I go on holiday. I won’t be planning a strenuous holiday. I’ll not be sleeping in a capsule ever again (like ever!). My days of wearing high heels are gone – and with that, ends my ability to create the illusion of my ideal height. I can’t wear my rings on most days, and I find anything that rests on my joints – like bracelets or necklaces, a right chore. I want shoes that are easy to wear and that are super comfortable. I don’t want clothes that have terribly fancy buttons or hooks – oh heavens! Keep those away My days of wearing sarees are over – as much as I love them. I love baking – but I’m not going to be able to bake for weddings and large crowds. I think I won’t be doing any large-scale cooking either. I won’t be buying heavy books to read, no matter how beautiful the covers are. The list is endless and what sucks most for me is, it is likely to grow.

Anyhow, I can’t stop living! There’s too much life inside of me. I desire those conversations with friends, where you either laugh till your sides split or you spill a few tears. I desire connection with people – hopefully in different ways, since I can’t too do many ‘fun’ things these days. I don’t want pity. Save that for someone with a severe case of hypochondria. You’ll get further there! Yet – some understanding would be great! I don’t want to keep explaining that this is what I suffer from: if you can remember, I’d appreciate it. Otherwise – never mind! Just go play in a different park. I’d also like a safe space: to express the fears and disappointments that my mum was able to as it keeps things honest. I’d like to be honest with myself and with you. This means, if I tell you that I worry about how the RA is affecting my eyes, you don’t start thinking of me as weak. It means if I tell you something isn’t possible, know that I’m not giving up quickly. Recognize that it’s rational fear or consideration of anyone who’s independent and practical. This list is also endless! There is one more thing that I should add to it though.

Through this pain, I want to remember God. I want to remember that Jesus is good. I want to remember that He is merciful and compassionate. I want to remember that I am here to serve Him and that even if full healing is not what He desires for me right now, that I will never stop remembering that I am here to serve Him – not vice versa. I want this fire to never go out, even on the days that I don’t want to get out of bed. I want this reality to always sit with me, as it did with my mum. I once told her that I wished I could carry the burden of her illness for her. She rebuked me by saying that what God wanted for her in her walk with Him was not for me to interfere with. How right she was. I don’t want pity and I don’t want bucket loads of soppy sympathy. I am on a journey and God is my pillar. He is my strength and He has guaranteed me salvation. I’m learning so much about Him and it is wonderful. He is so real, when I am open about my pain. He promises me an eternal blessing: ‘So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.’ (2 Corinthians 4: 16 – 18). I do thank God for the amazing support that I have in Him and for some of my loved ones who are constantly there for me in a real sense: where we talk about each other’s questions and poke fun at the irritations. Such providence indeed.

What a year 2019 has been. It feels like it has blitzed past. As I write this on 31 December 2019, I’m looking back at this year. It has been a rather full on year on all fronts. It feels like my family, friends and I have had so much to deal with, we’ve not had a moment!

This year brought a lot of change for me. I started a new job and have had the opportunity to meet and work with people from different parts of Malaysia and from all over the world. That’s been the best part of the job for me – meeting with so many different people. It has been inspiring to see so many people committed to taking the gospel out and some have been doing it for absolute ages. Some of these people that I’ve talked to, show such great understanding of scripture. It’s gobsmacking! Additionally, there has been a considerable amount of travel involved. Different cultures never cease to educate. They give you points to ponder on. For some things you wonder why your own culture has never incorporated some of these things. For others, you are grateful that they are purely things you witness and not have to adopt. It has all been sensational.

This is also the year for lots of change at home. I know I had started clearing things out for about a year and a half now. The idea really is to help me cope as the arthritis progresses. It has been quite a process and this year was another phase. We changed the kitchen a little at home, replacing very old shelves with new ones. It gave me an opportunity to vet through more stuff when I started putting things back. I’ve given away many things I’ve used for baking for weddings and parties. I know the limitations are setting in and I no longer want to take on big baking projects. Still, it was hard to let go of some of these things that have been a big part of my life for so long and which have helped me contribute to events in a way that I have truly enjoyed. The deed is done- stuff has been given away. I still need to get used to this, though.

There has also been a healing of certain relationships within the family that have always been a point of stress for me. This is big change and one that I am convinced could only have been brought about by the Holy Spirit. I’m not going to say too much more on this, except that the healing has impacted me in that I don’t continue feeling split, whenever there’s something on or over periods like Christmas. Whenever I start to think that God doesn’t answer prayer, may I always be reminded of His Hand in this. Soli Deo Gloria!

Another huge change that has taken place as a result of my arthritis is the way I entertain or whether even I can entertain. This year, for the first time in absolute yonks, I didn’t host a thing over Christmas. Loved ones visited and it was all so relaxed and full of love. They brought food with them and my own prep or work levels for these visits was incredibly low. I couldn’t have managed anyway, if it had had to be lots of prep and work on my part. Inflammation levels are particularly high right now for me, as the blood work reveals. This has meant getting used to doing things in a different way and learning to relax in the graces shown by my loved ones, which I attribute fully to my God.

Then, there is the arrival of Loki, my persistent little mischief maker. Every day, there is a new tale of mischief to be told: another plant or something or other destroyed. He also has the most curious way of running about and he flops over with no care, absolutely sure that I’ll catch him! He’s coming into his own and it is wonderful to see. But Loki’s arrival is bittersweet for me. It reminds me that Patches died. Talk about big change. My handsome, gentle, loving Patches, whose loss I feel keenly, is no more here. I don’t have his silly yet, ever so reassuring presence with me anymore. It pains me just to say that. The routines I had with Patches have all come to a halt. Big change indeed.

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with change. I don’t necessarily like it. If the change is pleasant, it’s obviously easier to accept than otherwise. Change requires adaptation. However, change cannot be stopped – it happens. We are powerless to stop it.

In this regard, I am terribly grateful that through all this change, there is one thing that remains unchanging. I certainly don’t mean any kind of bubble gum love tales! I’m talking of God. ‘The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.’ (Isaiah 40:8). There are so many verses that tell us this repeatedly! We are told how Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. The wonder of this and the empathy behind it has not been something I’m constantly grateful for and I really should be! (A need for internal change!). This unchanging nature of God gives me hope now as I stand before 2020 and look ahead. I don’t know what other changes will come in the new year. I don’t know if there will be laughter or tears in equal measure or disproportionate to each other. I don’t know if friendships or all relationships will prosper or wither. Yet, I can be sure of the One I cling to. His steadfast love endures forever (Psalm 136) and as such, nothing will separate me from His love (Romans 8: 38-39). So, to all my fellow believers, I say this, here’s to the year ahead! May we go forth fearlessly knowing that we have an unchanging God in whom we can depend on.

“For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. – Malachi 3:6

This is the first Christmas in a long, long time, that I’m not entertaining. I know that last year, when I scaled back on the number of parties I usually host, I thought it was a quiet Christmas. In comparison to last year, this year takes the prize! As I write, it’s Christmas Eve and I’m not rushing around trying to cook or bake things. There are several reasons for the change.

It’s been a busy year. I’ve not been in my role for a year. What a year it’s been. There’s been a lot of travel and meeting people and this has made the days zip past. Some of the people I’ve met through this job have been amazing: I’ve been humbled by their capacity to pray for and be generous towards others. I’ve been stumped by those who naturally empower and inspire others. I’ve been captivated by the Biblical idea of community that has been put forward. I’m grateful to God for all these people that I’ve met, even if I’m a little tired, I am immensely grateful.

I am also very grateful for the family and friends I have. I’m glad that dad and I can spend the day with them in their homes and enjoy the delights of the season. They have planned much and prepped much. For this, I am very grateful to God.

There’s a need for a bit of quiet and calm considering some of the events that happened this year. A wonderful friend left Malaysia in January. I was happy for her because the delay in her move meant her family was separated. She’s going through grief at the moment because of bereavement and I feel her mood and can’t be there to condole with her. Another dear couple have also just left Malaysia to make their home elsewhere. I’m excited for the prospects before them and for the home they’re setting up, including a rum ball factory! There’s only so much joy I can show from here. The distances and time differences between all of us are pretty big. I miss them. Yet another friend who is here has had a bit of a health scare and has suffered a big loss within the same space of time. She’s not up to much or else if she was around, she’d be a sure visitor in our home. One friend has had to be distanced. It was necessary but so sad. I feel like I have lost a daughter there. Over and above all this, there’s the loss of Patches, that I keenly feel especially as Christmas reminds me of the time he stole a turkey and earned the name, ‘the Turkey  Thief’. I also always miss my mum and my gran a lot more over this period. Additionally, I’m seeing my RA progress more than I care for it to. It wears me out. I’m exhausted. I’ve had to cancel visits from friends or requests to meet up. I’m not so sure that I am grateful to God for all these things! I do ask Him why this is happening.

So, the Christmas tree isn’t up. It’s not coming out this year. I can see the energy I’ll require to put it up and the ease with which my bouncy, Loki, who’s living up to his name, will bring it down! No thank you! That battle will wait for another year. No shopping, baking or cooking to the scale of years past. And yet- it is Christmas!

Thankfully, Christmas doesn’t depend on the festivities we have. Thankfully it’s not dependent on the way my tree is decorated or how many parties I host. Thankfully, it exists regardless of my strength to shop, bake or cook. Thankfully – because as I think on how many things there are that are making me feel sad, I also know that all sadness and pain is temporal, even though at the time we’re going through these, it doesn’t feel like they’re temporary. One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Revelation 21:4, which says: ‘He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ This, I believe, is only possible because of Jesus, who came to earth as a human child. Over Christmas, we remember this birth that guarantees us freedom from pain and sorrow. I cannot imagine such a time now as I consider the circumstances that surround me and those dear to me. Yet, I know this promise to be a sure truth- and for that, despite all the busyness and troubles, I can say I am grateful to God! So for that reason, I can say a resounding ‘Merry Christmas’ to all believers! Remember His promise and take comfort – it is much to be grateful for indeed.

Loki, named after the god of mischief in the Avengers, came to live with us on 7 September this year. He was just under 3 weeks old at the time and had had quite a traumatic start to life. He is missing a paw on one hind leg and on the other a couple of toes are missing. He was the recipient of grace by the family who found him, took him in and cared for him. I don’t think he would’ve survived had it not been for their care. For this – I will always be grateful to them and to God for moving their hearts to take care of him.

I wasn’t planning to take on another four-legged creature, not so soon after losing my darling Patches, the much loved turkey thief. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about Loki after I saw the ad putting him up for adoption and I think this was God telling me to go and get him. It’s almost two months since Loki arrived and he’s well entrenched in our home now.

I love Loki and I miss Patches in one crazy parallel. I initially thought that it would’ve been wonderful if Patches was still around now. I imagined him being a guide to Loki. A friend who came for dinner and who brought Loki what seems to be his favourite toy, said that he didn’t think Patches would’ve shared well. Initially I said that Patches was so good with other dogs, loved puppies, etc. But then I later remembered how Patches would try to stop even my ex boyfriend from holding my hand! So – I think my friend’s observation is spot on.

I also think that Loki would’ve bullied Patches. For all his 9 years and two weeks living with me, I never ever heard Patches growl. I think there was once or twice when he tried to growl and it came out more like someone clearing their throat. My gentle giant. In just slightly over a month, I’ve heard Loki growl threateningly at things that have annoyed or frightened him: fireworks, strangers at the gate, motorbikes and even his own long, elusive tail. I’ve no idea how he knew to growl. There are times when he’s afraid but he still pushes ahead and growls in the face of whatever danger he thinks is facing him. He’s a fighter, this one! I won’t have to be the one guarding him.

Patches was bundles of energy. So is Loki, don’t get me wrong. But it’s no where close to Patches, thank God! But I see his energy levels picking up as he gets stronger. It is good, of course but it’s not the same. He’s a calmer dog. Patches was ever so excitable and perhaps a tad bit anxious. It’s a stark contrast! However, despite his energy, Patches though naughty, knew he had to listen and would yield. Not Loki! Loki has embraced his name in full! He bullies my dad! He doesn’t think twice about disobeying him and is very happy to maul away at whatever he wants. He responds to me – but I think it’s in the high hopes that he gets a kibble as a treat! I can see this one pushing the boundaries. I’ve named him well!

There are some things that I think Loki is incredibly alike Patches. Now that he has his strength, he eats in the same fashion. It’s like dust being sucked up by a vacuum cleaner: everything disappears in seconds. He loves his food! He also eats whatever he can. He’s picking up right where Patches left off! So I find myself taking dry leaves, grass, thread, newspaper and whatever else from out of his mouth as I had to do with Patches. Another similarity is that he thinks every single wrapper or bag I open contains food for him. The light in his little eyes come on at that time. It’s so very alike Patches, who lived in eternal hope of being fed around the clock. Watching Loki at these points makes me miss Patches.

I knew that Loki was going to be his own little character. I didn’t imagine he would be so different! I couldn’t have. This is a completely new adventure. A brand new chapter and I think mama’s going to need a brand new bag! I was worried I wouldn’t be able to love him because of Patches. I don’t have that worry at all now: it disappeared the moment I met him in person. I’m just amazed at how God sent me the right one. He’s a perfect fit in our home: the complete chaos to our order. He makes me laugh and melts my heart in many ways and the beauty of it all is, it’s in a completely different way from how Patches made me laugh or moved me. It’s just wonderful. I’m sure there will be some similarities between Loki and Patches in terms of the laughs as well as the moments that touch my heart. I think I’m going to be good with that. I miss my darling Patches so very much and I count him as one of my brightest blessings. I have a feeling that Loki’s going to be another one in that category. I’m very sure of it. So I really want to say a big thank You to God as I am yet again overwhelmed at how generous He has been towards me in sending me this little mischief maker. ‘His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.’

I think I must make it clear that when I wrote my last blog on what had happened between my friend and me, it was not so much as to point out the negatives in her but to explain the failure that happened as a church. I’d written a previous blog pointing out my own failures in the entire thing: as a result of my tiredness, I was beginning to rage. I do not come out of this looking virtuous.

Fact is, I am very sad by how things have worked out. I was even working on making her an heir so that she would be taken care of in the long run. I care about her and I’m sad that our relationship has come to an end. I felt like a mother towards in many senses of the word!

I am also sad about me. I am sad for what I have lost over the last two years. The other night, a group of friends consisting of friends from church and a couple of my closest girl friends came for dinner. It wouldn’t have been possible had my friend been staying with us. In April this year, I finally attended community lunch in church. It had been almost two years since I did that. Again it was because of my friend. There are many things that I could list here – but this isn’t the plan!

I wrote the earlier blog to talk about the failure in our community as Christians. I feel like I am part of the failure and partly that I also suffered as a result of that failure. I write not to condemn but to say “Hey, we need to buck up!” So I have no apology to proffer to those who were offended.

It bothers me because there are so many who know of what has happened who still continue to befriend the abusive husband. One of my friend’s questions to me was “How can I trust them? They’re all FB buddies and they still keep him there, even after I told them of what had transpired.” It bothers me that he still speaks in churches and gets the blessing of those in the know. It bothers me that senior people who are highly respected came out and told my friend that she was imagining things. When she avoided them, they spoke to me as if I was also a problem – our relationship changed. It bothers me that people who acted inappropriately and who had to be asked to please not behave in a particular manner, are angry with me. We no longer talk – more relationships burnt. It bothers me that the people that I had to deal with when trying to get help were sometimes dismissive. I had to speak loudly and harshly just to be heard. I could have just about accepted it if it had been the corporate world, but these were brothers in Christ. I am grateful for one, who I still am happy to call a leader -but even there, our relationship came to breaking point. He extended grace and helped me to do the same. It bothers me that I got so angry at the situation that was completely beyond my control and that I couldn’t repair things- another sin exposed.

I speak about this not to condemn. If I condemn, I’d be condemning myself. I have forgiveness and acceptance in Christ – and so do the rest. I know better than to condemn. I speak about this because we as the church of Christ are supposed to display His love and grace. In this instance, we failed. I know it will be impossible to get it right every single time – I’m not so naive to think that. But this is an important thing that we need to struggle with. We need to recognise the need for understanding. We need to recognise that we are all works in progress and so there will never be a perfect response. How else do we learn if we don’t know what went wrong?

I hope that I recover enough to help another person, if there is such a need. Right now, I balk at the idea and I know that is not godly. I hope too that those involved in the wider church, recognise that they have to also serve better. It would be good to start praying that should another situation like this arise, we as the church, will be better able to display Christ’s love. I hope that somehow, this spurs each one of us to strive for this, ‘for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them’ (Ephesians 2: 10).

We’ve got our home back now, dad and me. Slowly things are returning to normalcy. There is no constant demand on my time, and I don’t have to be the ever-vigilant counselor, friend or sister. I feel like a burden’s been lifted. It’s a good feeling indeed.

I set out to help someone who was in need. The need was genuine: her husband was abusive. Somehow though, the full force of caring for her fell on me. We weren’t ready as a church to look out for her. Her abusive husband got a lot more care, somehow. It made me so furious at the time – and to a point it still bothers me, but I’m recognizing our limitations for what they are. By the time people were ready to reach out, the friend I was helping was excessively wary of everyone. I don’t blame her. The comments weren’t all kind and a lot of things came across as nosy, insensitive and judgmental. “Do you think it’s God’s judgment?” “Give me the specifics of what happened so that I can pray for you.” There were so many of such comments. It was all a bit much. What I didn’t see was that it all sort of played into her own area of weakness, which is to cling to one person over and above all else. That person was me. So – she made me her centre, a position that I really did not want. My boundaries were constantly breached as she had no one else to turn to – and I was increasingly frustrated with the situation, not to mention, exhausted.

The question I struggled with most was whether the desire to break free from her clutches was godly. I wanted my freedom. I missed hanging out with my friends the way we always used to. She was always around, and it changed the dynamic of all my relationships. It didn’t bother her – she was oblivious to it. I constantly wondered how I should be living this out. It is hard to share everything. There are some relational dynamics that I don’t want to share all the time. Jesus didn’t help because he gave His life up. That example and what Paul said about being poured out like a drink offering weighed so heavily on me. How to break free? How to be godly? How could I justify asking her to leave when we have space at home? It was a difficult one.

All of a sudden, my world came crashing: Patches died. Sleep was elusive. I was shattered. My darling boy was no more, and the pain of loss was searing. My friends surrounded me with their love and care. This was just such a godsend. They were sharing in my loss in a way that really helped me. It was in this moment of loss and love that my boundaries were breached again. My friend was unable to cope with a lack of attention, and the demand she placed on my grieving time and space was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I asked her to move out.

I wish I had asked her to move out right away. I didn’t. It got ugly. My friend couldn’t understand why I was furious. Her breaches of boundaries against others were something she forgave so easily. She couldn’t forgive it when others breached her boundary. I wasn’t ready to help her work it out. I was grieving Patches’ loss and I resented that she was infringing on that time. Her complaints were that I accepted love from other friends but rejected her. It was tiring and I didn’t want to discuss it further. The questions about what I needed to do and how I should act in godly fashion still haunted me though.

There was a Tim Keller podcast that I listened to that helped me on that score. He explained how Jesus set the standard: open arms on the cross so that all could come in. I remember my heart sinking as I heard that. However, he went on to say that that very standard set us up for failure, for it was impossible for us all to live up to it in the same way. The relief I felt was palpable. It was what I needed to hear. Jesus knew that I would never be able to do what He did. I could strive for it and in this instance, with this friend, I really tried. However, I needed to recognize my limitations and surrender them to Him. My motivations for wanting her to leave were simple: I needed peace of mind. I needed to heal from losing Patches and I needed my life to be mine. I couldn’t bring about godly behaviour in her either when I gave in to her demands. I had been doing that for almost 2 years. I don’t expect her to see this. I’m disappointed in some of the things that she has said and done since she left our home but I’m not about to fix it. This is something she needs to do with Jesus.

As part of the church that let my friend down, I too have failed. I couldn’t steer the course to the end. This is the stark reality of who we are. We can’t really fix things. Only Jesus can. He’s helping me fix this feeling of failure in myself by showing me how we really are destined for failure on so many counts. I don’t think we’re ever meant to stop trying to fix things. Didn’t James say ‘What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or a sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. (James 2: 14 – 16). This verse has been so helpful in understanding what Paul talks about when he says he’s alright with being poured out like a drink offering (Philippians 2:17). It is essential that we labour for others and that we help as much as we can: it would depict Christ working through us, His church. However, we never become the cure. We just don’t have that power. Paul seems to say this in 1 Corinthians 3: 5-7: What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. I need to repent from trying to be the cure. I am not the cure and I never will be.

I bear my friend no ill will, though I don’t see how it will be possible to have a healthy relationship with her now. She too must pick up the mantle and start displaying some of the work of the Spirit. I wish her well in that – I hope she lets God work in her. It will show from the way she treats the people she has blamed for the collapse of her relationship with me, I should think. Letting God work in her will bring her true healing. However, I don’t need to worry about that now. I just need to let Him work His healing in me through the lessons I have learnt from this chapter. I need to look at how He’s bringing people into my life to partner with me in the gospel and to share in coffee dates or other fun times with. He’s also sent me Loki. I’m overwhelmed at the amount of healing He’s sending along my way and the realizations that come along with it. It’s phenomenally humbling and shows me how much love He bears me.

This chapter with my friend has left an unsavoury taste in my mouth. I feel like I’ve failed. Yet, this failure has shown me how God has been working and how He has protected me from losing more areas of my life to a person who cared not for my boundaries at all. It has been wonderful having time to read at home or just do nothing. It’s been superb being able to have conversations whether on the phone or by messaging, without a person waiting to have a talk. It has been great having people over again – some had to stay away because of the offence that my friend felt they had caused her. It has been good having time to chat to my dad without a third person present. It has been good to participate in community lunches and conversations in church without having to dash off. All these healing moments have shown me that despite my sin and lack of significance, God cares and that He is working within me indeed. I take great comfort in that. I hope He lets me recover from this long episode and I hope He grants me wisdom that I may be able to act in a way that is in line with His Will if ever anyone is in need of help.

Christians all over the world are coming together to reflect on the cross where Jesus died for us. It is such an emotional time because we are often overwhelmed by the magnitude of the sacrifice that Jesus made. This is especially in light of who we are. The worthy dying for the unworthy just does not make sense. It is so hard to understand and many are disgusted by the idea of this sacrifice that was required by God.

I cannot imagine Eden. I cannot imagine this perfect world that God created. I cannot imagine the perfect world He promises. There’s so much wrong with the world. We have war torn countries where millions are displaced or suffering from food shortages. We have countries where everything is at a halt because of belligerent leaders. Poverty in some of these places is just scary. In many countries, corruption reigns- some more refined than others. There are huge battles on gender and issues of sexuality as well as on the issue of freedom to embrace faith. There are so many issues! I cannot list them all. I understand how sin entered the world from the perspective of the Bible and I understand that this means we ought not be surprised by some of what’s going on. This is difficult. Even on a personal level, we see degeneration in our bodies and minds. We struggle with ageing, sickness and stress. Factor in difficult relationships – or any relationship. There is death. The list is unending. We struggle with so much. Sometimes we can see how some of our struggles have been a means by which God has corrected areas of sin in our lives or by which He has shown us mercy and compassion. Sometimes, we see this. But most of the time, there are so many things going on that are just so painful to watch and which we cannot fix. All of this is why, I struggle to understand Eden or the new world. I cannot even begin to comprehend peace, joy and contentment. I cannot comprehend being free of pain and tears.

At the moment, I am waiting to watch The Avengers: Endgame. How will my favourite superheroes undo the genocide brought about by Thanos through the infinity stones? I have been watching the different Marvel movies to whet my appetite on what is to come to cinemas near me in a week’s time. There is so much excitement about how a group of heroes will save the world. There is also a lot of heroism, pomp and grandeur. Yet, the world that they save, inevitably goes back to the world as we know it: still full of poverty, environmental, and political issues on a global level. Individual lives are left unchanged too. The same relational problems and other struggles remain. Even Hollywood doesn’t help me picture the freedom that Jesus’ salvation claims to bring.

Still, I believe.

I believe simply because I am a recipient of grace. I am very sure on this score because I otherwise cannot see myself buying into this idea of a perfect world to come. I cannot buy into it simply because I  cannot fathom it. However, I believe it because I have been granted grace. So I believe that the Bible is God’s Word. As I study it, it makes complete sense. I believe that Jesus, perfectly God, became man to take my sin. Why didn’t this Almighty God just forgive sin? Every sin is against God and God is just. A just God means that He cannot simply overlook sin. Overlooking a wrong doesn’t make us good- in case we think this. A just God must punish sin. However, God is also merciful and loving. And so, instead of making us pay for our sin, He paid for it Himself. I believe this. Why He did it, is something I cannot imagine. Simply, it is because I cannot imagine suffering any penalty in the place of a loved one. I mean, I may walk with them, try to comfort them, but to take their place? I don’t think so. So I know that there is some sort of intervention here, that enables me to believe. The Bible tells me that this is grace: ‘For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…’  (Ephesians 2:8). I can accept it though I cannot explain it.

I want to thank Jesus for His sacrifice. I want to thank Him as I journey in my faith because there has been so much grace. I cannot imagine the perfect world without pain and sorrow: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4. I want to thank Him for dying for me, despite the ugliness of my sin. I want to thank Him for the hope I have that His Spirit will work in to bring to completion the work He has started in me: And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. – Philippians 1:6.

Most of all though, I want to thank Him for this hope that I have where I won’t cry or feel pain anymore. As petty as my problems are in the face of the larger issues plaguing the world, I still cry for my mum. Now – I also cry for Patches and for the degenerative nature of my illness. I am so relieved that I don’t have to fix anything. I want to thank Jesus for the grace He has given me even now in the midst of all this difficulty: there are friends and family that make the problems I face seem alright. They help me work things out and I hope I return the favour to them. There are chats, laughs, good food and drink that make me go “wow” and totally overwhelm me. There is kindness that comes my way that I know I don’t deserve. With all of this happening here in the now and with the promise I have to look forward to, I thank You, Jesus, for letting me believe.