Author: anitastephen2015

There are many questions going through my head these days. There is also a lot of irritation. I wish there wasn’t. The questions seem fair, but the irritation seem like an unwanted scratching of fingernails across a chalk board. Yuck! Always makes me shudder.

It is no secret that I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve not gone on to a mountain top to shout it out – so if you’ve not been told, don’t be offended. I perhaps haven’t got around to it. I thought I’d be given a pass on it – and despite it being on my mum’s mind, that I might inherit her disease, I don’t remember being ever unduly worried. I remember dismissing her fears though. I remember asking her what the point of worrying was. It’s not that I had a grip on things and knew exactly what I would do if I ever got it. I’m not that organized! It was just that I never thought I’d get it. When the pains first started in my fingers and then my wrist, I attributed it to my own carelessness. I was very sure that I had somehow crushed my fingers or knocked my wrist on something, without realizing it. I was very sure! In fact, when my left knee first swelled up and throbbed like crazy on the morning of church camp, I was dead sure that I’d somehow hurt myself in my sleep! It never crossed my mind that this is what I had. So, when it was suggested to me that I see a doctor immediately because it may just be RA, I was quite happy to laugh it off. I delayed going and got nagged and so I finally went with an ‘I’ll just get it ruled out and that’ll get them off my case!’ I was so sure it was something superficial and that I’d be over and done with it in a tick. Well. Apparently, I can also be wrong!

There were things that happened as a result of the diagnosis. There was a bit of fear that crept in. I had seen what the disease had done to my mum. Let’s just say, it’s not exactly inviting! I also felt excessively tired. That was such a new feeling for me. I mean – I’ve known tiredness but nothing like this. This tiredness consumed my body and my mind. I wanted to check out of everything and sleep. I’d somewhat recovered some of the buzz in my life after losing mum and going on a journey of acknowledging that grief and its effects in my life. Things were looking good again. I was enjoying it all. Fear and tiredness are not a very good combo. I felt myself digging in – sometimes I felt like I was digging into my memory of my mum. Sometimes I felt like I was digging into my own strength, which didn’t feel very secure. At points, I felt like I was digging into God, which felt strange. I mean – it’s one thing to pray for something you want – but it felt like something else to pray not just for something you wanted but for something you really needed. I hadn’t quite got used to digging into God for this: not at the point of the diagnosis.

Yet – God is faithful. I say this un-waveringly. I have fewer memories of my mum without the RA than I do of her battling it. However, I never thought it would really happen to me, as a result of being convinced that God had really blessed me with a super-power that would show itself once I figured out how to unlock it. So, I found it difficult to really draw from memories of my mum. I confess that I felt a bit of a failure where she was concerned. I know my mum was a very strong woman and that her faith enabled her to push ahead despite the debilitating disease. Yet, my mind kept spinning to conversations that she and I had had countless times about the disappointment she faced because of the disease. She so often spoke of things that she would’ve loved to have done together with me but that she was forced to forgo. She spoke of dreams that couldn’t ever become a reality because of the RA. She cried genuine tears for the loss of prime years, for the stress that her illness put on her marriage to my dad and for how she couldn’t always display the vulnerability that she needed to family or friends. She spoke of embarrassment at not being able to do things and of how she disliked being photographed because she felt the deformities showed. She also rued not being in photographs for the same reason. These thoughts didn’t bring me comfort at the point when I first trying to make sense of my illness.

It got a bit too much for me and I quit a job that I loved in a workplace where I had some amazing colleagues. I could feel myself going all strange, trying to figure this out. I didn’t like and I still don’t like it when people tell me to rest. Like really? You think I don’t know? I have mini explosions inside every time I hear this word: ‘rest’. I do at points wish to remind them that that I am not a sheep. Maybe rest would come easier if I were, with my mouth full of grass, stuck somewhere in a herd of cattle, not needing to move too much.  You are preaching to the converted! The irritation has run high at such points!

I got my diagnosis in the middle of June 2017. It is now March 2020. Soon it will be three years. A lot has happened in these three years. Have I told you? God is faithful. Questions started popping into my mind. I started reading up more about the illness – and I wish there was as much information about it when it first struck my mum, as there is now. How she would’ve benefited. These few years, I’ve spent my time, making my home friendlier to a sufferer of rheumatoid arthritis. There are lessons that happen over the course of time. Learning experientially isn’t always as fun as they say it is – I could write a module arguing against it! Yet – experience is a wonderful teacher and my mum was indeed a wonderful example. The disappointments that she voiced were a real godsend. God used them to help me start making the necessary changes. God used some of the sadness she expressed to help me recognize issues that I’m facing right now. For instance, I love entertaining. I want to be able to have friends over and as much as I can’t do things in exactly the same way I used to, which initially made me very sad, I have started trying to figure out how to do what I love in a way that I like. It means making changes. It’s not always easy to make a change. Another example is when I went to a historical state with a couple of friends in January this year, I almost died. I’ve been to this state so many times and I’ve walked for hours on end, without batting an eyelid. This time, I wanted to collapse in a heap by the ruins that we visited. Yet – I found it extremely hard to say that I needed a break. Thankfully, the heat in Malaysia made it difficult for my friends to do as much and they said they wanted a rest. That was my saving grace! These friends of mine are lovely and they wouldn’t have minded it I had wanted to sit something out or if I had said that I couldn’t go on. Yet – I was embarrassed at my shortcomings. It was something I hadn’t figured out. The next time I plan an outing, I’ll think better about things and I’ve psyched myself up to be able to say what needs to be said. Another thing that mum used to talk about was the lack of understanding that there is – among loved ones and people who really ought to know better! I’m beginning to see what she meant more and more clearly.

There are people who have taken offence when I’m unable to shake hands with them. On days like that, I’m not necessarily in the frame of mind to explain that I’m in pain. I’m probably using up a lot of energy already to just be present. There are the friends who look at me on some mornings and exclaim how terrible I look! Thanks! I have a mirror at home – which isn’t cracked, contrary to popular belief. If I look terrible, it’s probably because I had to wake up at some ungodly hour – just to try and overcome the crazy levels of stiffness in my joints – just so that I wouldn’t be crazy late. I would’ve probably been drenched in sweat thanks to the pain and that may have covered up the fact that I really tried to look presentable. In my head, I’ve perfected Captain America’s throwing of his shield right into their mugs. ‘See how good you look after that’, is what I say triumphantly in my head! Usually outwardly, I manage a wry smile. The list is endless.

God willing, I’ve still got some time left on earth. I like earth! I need to work and socialize. I don’t desire copious amounts of rest, though I need a fair bit. I want to dance – but I don’t think my joints will have it anymore and there are things that I feel may not be what I will do again. I won’t be walking for 18 hours on end when I go on holiday. I won’t be planning a strenuous holiday. I’ll not be sleeping in a capsule ever again (like ever!). My days of wearing high heels are gone – and with that, ends my ability to create the illusion of my ideal height. I can’t wear my rings on most days, and I find anything that rests on my joints – like bracelets or necklaces, a right chore. I want shoes that are easy to wear and that are super comfortable. I don’t want clothes that have terribly fancy buttons or hooks – oh heavens! Keep those away My days of wearing sarees are over – as much as I love them. I love baking – but I’m not going to be able to bake for weddings and large crowds. I think I won’t be doing any large-scale cooking either. I won’t be buying heavy books to read, no matter how beautiful the covers are. The list is endless and what sucks most for me is, it is likely to grow.

Anyhow, I can’t stop living! There’s too much life inside of me. I desire those conversations with friends, where you either laugh till your sides split or you spill a few tears. I desire connection with people – hopefully in different ways, since I can’t too do many ‘fun’ things these days. I don’t want pity. Save that for someone with a severe case of hypochondria. You’ll get further there! Yet – some understanding would be great! I don’t want to keep explaining that this is what I suffer from: if you can remember, I’d appreciate it. Otherwise – never mind! Just go play in a different park. I’d also like a safe space: to express the fears and disappointments that my mum was able to as it keeps things honest. I’d like to be honest with myself and with you. This means, if I tell you that I worry about how the RA is affecting my eyes, you don’t start thinking of me as weak. It means if I tell you something isn’t possible, know that I’m not giving up quickly. Recognize that it’s rational fear or consideration of anyone who’s independent and practical. This list is also endless! There is one more thing that I should add to it though.

Through this pain, I want to remember God. I want to remember that Jesus is good. I want to remember that He is merciful and compassionate. I want to remember that I am here to serve Him and that even if full healing is not what He desires for me right now, that I will never stop remembering that I am here to serve Him – not vice versa. I want this fire to never go out, even on the days that I don’t want to get out of bed. I want this reality to always sit with me, as it did with my mum. I once told her that I wished I could carry the burden of her illness for her. She rebuked me by saying that what God wanted for her in her walk with Him was not for me to interfere with. How right she was. I don’t want pity and I don’t want bucket loads of soppy sympathy. I am on a journey and God is my pillar. He is my strength and He has guaranteed me salvation. I’m learning so much about Him and it is wonderful. He is so real, when I am open about my pain. He promises me an eternal blessing: ‘So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.’ (2 Corinthians 4: 16 – 18). I do thank God for the amazing support that I have in Him and for some of my loved ones who are constantly there for me in a real sense: where we talk about each other’s questions and poke fun at the irritations. Such providence indeed.

What a year 2019 has been. It feels like it has blitzed past. As I write this on 31 December 2019, I’m looking back at this year. It has been a rather full on year on all fronts. It feels like my family, friends and I have had so much to deal with, we’ve not had a moment!

This year brought a lot of change for me. I started a new job and have had the opportunity to meet and work with people from different parts of Malaysia and from all over the world. That’s been the best part of the job for me – meeting with so many different people. It has been inspiring to see so many people committed to taking the gospel out and some have been doing it for absolute ages. Some of these people that I’ve talked to, show such great understanding of scripture. It’s gobsmacking! Additionally, there has been a considerable amount of travel involved. Different cultures never cease to educate. They give you points to ponder on. For some things you wonder why your own culture has never incorporated some of these things. For others, you are grateful that they are purely things you witness and not have to adopt. It has all been sensational.

This is also the year for lots of change at home. I know I had started clearing things out for about a year and a half now. The idea really is to help me cope as the arthritis progresses. It has been quite a process and this year was another phase. We changed the kitchen a little at home, replacing very old shelves with new ones. It gave me an opportunity to vet through more stuff when I started putting things back. I’ve given away many things I’ve used for baking for weddings and parties. I know the limitations are setting in and I no longer want to take on big baking projects. Still, it was hard to let go of some of these things that have been a big part of my life for so long and which have helped me contribute to events in a way that I have truly enjoyed. The deed is done- stuff has been given away. I still need to get used to this, though.

There has also been a healing of certain relationships within the family that have always been a point of stress for me. This is big change and one that I am convinced could only have been brought about by the Holy Spirit. I’m not going to say too much more on this, except that the healing has impacted me in that I don’t continue feeling split, whenever there’s something on or over periods like Christmas. Whenever I start to think that God doesn’t answer prayer, may I always be reminded of His Hand in this. Soli Deo Gloria!

Another huge change that has taken place as a result of my arthritis is the way I entertain or whether even I can entertain. This year, for the first time in absolute yonks, I didn’t host a thing over Christmas. Loved ones visited and it was all so relaxed and full of love. They brought food with them and my own prep or work levels for these visits was incredibly low. I couldn’t have managed anyway, if it had had to be lots of prep and work on my part. Inflammation levels are particularly high right now for me, as the blood work reveals. This has meant getting used to doing things in a different way and learning to relax in the graces shown by my loved ones, which I attribute fully to my God.

Then, there is the arrival of Loki, my persistent little mischief maker. Every day, there is a new tale of mischief to be told: another plant or something or other destroyed. He also has the most curious way of running about and he flops over with no care, absolutely sure that I’ll catch him! He’s coming into his own and it is wonderful to see. But Loki’s arrival is bittersweet for me. It reminds me that Patches died. Talk about big change. My handsome, gentle, loving Patches, whose loss I feel keenly, is no more here. I don’t have his silly yet, ever so reassuring presence with me anymore. It pains me just to say that. The routines I had with Patches have all come to a halt. Big change indeed.

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with change. I don’t necessarily like it. If the change is pleasant, it’s obviously easier to accept than otherwise. Change requires adaptation. However, change cannot be stopped – it happens. We are powerless to stop it.

In this regard, I am terribly grateful that through all this change, there is one thing that remains unchanging. I certainly don’t mean any kind of bubble gum love tales! I’m talking of God. ‘The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.’ (Isaiah 40:8). There are so many verses that tell us this repeatedly! We are told how Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. The wonder of this and the empathy behind it has not been something I’m constantly grateful for and I really should be! (A need for internal change!). This unchanging nature of God gives me hope now as I stand before 2020 and look ahead. I don’t know what other changes will come in the new year. I don’t know if there will be laughter or tears in equal measure or disproportionate to each other. I don’t know if friendships or all relationships will prosper or wither. Yet, I can be sure of the One I cling to. His steadfast love endures forever (Psalm 136) and as such, nothing will separate me from His love (Romans 8: 38-39). So, to all my fellow believers, I say this, here’s to the year ahead! May we go forth fearlessly knowing that we have an unchanging God in whom we can depend on.

“For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. – Malachi 3:6

This is the first Christmas in a long, long time, that I’m not entertaining. I know that last year, when I scaled back on the number of parties I usually host, I thought it was a quiet Christmas. In comparison to last year, this year takes the prize! As I write, it’s Christmas Eve and I’m not rushing around trying to cook or bake things. There are several reasons for the change.

It’s been a busy year. I’ve not been in my role for a year. What a year it’s been. There’s been a lot of travel and meeting people and this has made the days zip past. Some of the people I’ve met through this job have been amazing: I’ve been humbled by their capacity to pray for and be generous towards others. I’ve been stumped by those who naturally empower and inspire others. I’ve been captivated by the Biblical idea of community that has been put forward. I’m grateful to God for all these people that I’ve met, even if I’m a little tired, I am immensely grateful.

I am also very grateful for the family and friends I have. I’m glad that dad and I can spend the day with them in their homes and enjoy the delights of the season. They have planned much and prepped much. For this, I am very grateful to God.

There’s a need for a bit of quiet and calm considering some of the events that happened this year. A wonderful friend left Malaysia in January. I was happy for her because the delay in her move meant her family was separated. She’s going through grief at the moment because of bereavement and I feel her mood and can’t be there to condole with her. Another dear couple have also just left Malaysia to make their home elsewhere. I’m excited for the prospects before them and for the home they’re setting up, including a rum ball factory! There’s only so much joy I can show from here. The distances and time differences between all of us are pretty big. I miss them. Yet another friend who is here has had a bit of a health scare and has suffered a big loss within the same space of time. She’s not up to much or else if she was around, she’d be a sure visitor in our home. One friend has had to be distanced. It was necessary but so sad. I feel like I have lost a daughter there. Over and above all this, there’s the loss of Patches, that I keenly feel especially as Christmas reminds me of the time he stole a turkey and earned the name, ‘the Turkey  Thief’. I also always miss my mum and my gran a lot more over this period. Additionally, I’m seeing my RA progress more than I care for it to. It wears me out. I’m exhausted. I’ve had to cancel visits from friends or requests to meet up. I’m not so sure that I am grateful to God for all these things! I do ask Him why this is happening.

So, the Christmas tree isn’t up. It’s not coming out this year. I can see the energy I’ll require to put it up and the ease with which my bouncy, Loki, who’s living up to his name, will bring it down! No thank you! That battle will wait for another year. No shopping, baking or cooking to the scale of years past. And yet- it is Christmas!

Thankfully, Christmas doesn’t depend on the festivities we have. Thankfully it’s not dependent on the way my tree is decorated or how many parties I host. Thankfully, it exists regardless of my strength to shop, bake or cook. Thankfully – because as I think on how many things there are that are making me feel sad, I also know that all sadness and pain is temporal, even though at the time we’re going through these, it doesn’t feel like they’re temporary. One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Revelation 21:4, which says: ‘He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ This, I believe, is only possible because of Jesus, who came to earth as a human child. Over Christmas, we remember this birth that guarantees us freedom from pain and sorrow. I cannot imagine such a time now as I consider the circumstances that surround me and those dear to me. Yet, I know this promise to be a sure truth- and for that, despite all the busyness and troubles, I can say I am grateful to God! So for that reason, I can say a resounding ‘Merry Christmas’ to all believers! Remember His promise and take comfort – it is much to be grateful for indeed.

Loki, named after the god of mischief in the Avengers, came to live with us on 7 September this year. He was just under 3 weeks old at the time and had had quite a traumatic start to life. He is missing a paw on one hind leg and on the other a couple of toes are missing. He was the recipient of grace by the family who found him, took him in and cared for him. I don’t think he would’ve survived had it not been for their care. For this – I will always be grateful to them and to God for moving their hearts to take care of him.

I wasn’t planning to take on another four-legged creature, not so soon after losing my darling Patches, the much loved turkey thief. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about Loki after I saw the ad putting him up for adoption and I think this was God telling me to go and get him. It’s almost two months since Loki arrived and he’s well entrenched in our home now.

I love Loki and I miss Patches in one crazy parallel. I initially thought that it would’ve been wonderful if Patches was still around now. I imagined him being a guide to Loki. A friend who came for dinner and who brought Loki what seems to be his favourite toy, said that he didn’t think Patches would’ve shared well. Initially I said that Patches was so good with other dogs, loved puppies, etc. But then I later remembered how Patches would try to stop even my ex boyfriend from holding my hand! So – I think my friend’s observation is spot on.

I also think that Loki would’ve bullied Patches. For all his 9 years and two weeks living with me, I never ever heard Patches growl. I think there was once or twice when he tried to growl and it came out more like someone clearing their throat. My gentle giant. In just slightly over a month, I’ve heard Loki growl threateningly at things that have annoyed or frightened him: fireworks, strangers at the gate, motorbikes and even his own long, elusive tail. I’ve no idea how he knew to growl. There are times when he’s afraid but he still pushes ahead and growls in the face of whatever danger he thinks is facing him. He’s a fighter, this one! I won’t have to be the one guarding him.

Patches was bundles of energy. So is Loki, don’t get me wrong. But it’s no where close to Patches, thank God! But I see his energy levels picking up as he gets stronger. It is good, of course but it’s not the same. He’s a calmer dog. Patches was ever so excitable and perhaps a tad bit anxious. It’s a stark contrast! However, despite his energy, Patches though naughty, knew he had to listen and would yield. Not Loki! Loki has embraced his name in full! He bullies my dad! He doesn’t think twice about disobeying him and is very happy to maul away at whatever he wants. He responds to me – but I think it’s in the high hopes that he gets a kibble as a treat! I can see this one pushing the boundaries. I’ve named him well!

There are some things that I think Loki is incredibly alike Patches. Now that he has his strength, he eats in the same fashion. It’s like dust being sucked up by a vacuum cleaner: everything disappears in seconds. He loves his food! He also eats whatever he can. He’s picking up right where Patches left off! So I find myself taking dry leaves, grass, thread, newspaper and whatever else from out of his mouth as I had to do with Patches. Another similarity is that he thinks every single wrapper or bag I open contains food for him. The light in his little eyes come on at that time. It’s so very alike Patches, who lived in eternal hope of being fed around the clock. Watching Loki at these points makes me miss Patches.

I knew that Loki was going to be his own little character. I didn’t imagine he would be so different! I couldn’t have. This is a completely new adventure. A brand new chapter and I think mama’s going to need a brand new bag! I was worried I wouldn’t be able to love him because of Patches. I don’t have that worry at all now: it disappeared the moment I met him in person. I’m just amazed at how God sent me the right one. He’s a perfect fit in our home: the complete chaos to our order. He makes me laugh and melts my heart in many ways and the beauty of it all is, it’s in a completely different way from how Patches made me laugh or moved me. It’s just wonderful. I’m sure there will be some similarities between Loki and Patches in terms of the laughs as well as the moments that touch my heart. I think I’m going to be good with that. I miss my darling Patches so very much and I count him as one of my brightest blessings. I have a feeling that Loki’s going to be another one in that category. I’m very sure of it. So I really want to say a big thank You to God as I am yet again overwhelmed at how generous He has been towards me in sending me this little mischief maker. ‘His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.’

I think I must make it clear that when I wrote my last blog on what had happened between my friend and me, it was not so much as to point out the negatives in her but to explain the failure that happened as a church. I’d written a previous blog pointing out my own failures in the entire thing: as a result of my tiredness, I was beginning to rage. I do not come out of this looking virtuous.

Fact is, I am very sad by how things have worked out. I was even working on making her an heir so that she would be taken care of in the long run. I care about her and I’m sad that our relationship has come to an end. I felt like a mother towards in many senses of the word!

I am also sad about me. I am sad for what I have lost over the last two years. The other night, a group of friends consisting of friends from church and a couple of my closest girl friends came for dinner. It wouldn’t have been possible had my friend been staying with us. In April this year, I finally attended community lunch in church. It had been almost two years since I did that. Again it was because of my friend. There are many things that I could list here – but this isn’t the plan!

I wrote the earlier blog to talk about the failure in our community as Christians. I feel like I am part of the failure and partly that I also suffered as a result of that failure. I write not to condemn but to say “Hey, we need to buck up!” So I have no apology to proffer to those who were offended.

It bothers me because there are so many who know of what has happened who still continue to befriend the abusive husband. One of my friend’s questions to me was “How can I trust them? They’re all FB buddies and they still keep him there, even after I told them of what had transpired.” It bothers me that he still speaks in churches and gets the blessing of those in the know. It bothers me that senior people who are highly respected came out and told my friend that she was imagining things. When she avoided them, they spoke to me as if I was also a problem – our relationship changed. It bothers me that people who acted inappropriately and who had to be asked to please not behave in a particular manner, are angry with me. We no longer talk – more relationships burnt. It bothers me that the people that I had to deal with when trying to get help were sometimes dismissive. I had to speak loudly and harshly just to be heard. I could have just about accepted it if it had been the corporate world, but these were brothers in Christ. I am grateful for one, who I still am happy to call a leader -but even there, our relationship came to breaking point. He extended grace and helped me to do the same. It bothers me that I got so angry at the situation that was completely beyond my control and that I couldn’t repair things- another sin exposed.

I speak about this not to condemn. If I condemn, I’d be condemning myself. I have forgiveness and acceptance in Christ – and so do the rest. I know better than to condemn. I speak about this because we as the church of Christ are supposed to display His love and grace. In this instance, we failed. I know it will be impossible to get it right every single time – I’m not so naive to think that. But this is an important thing that we need to struggle with. We need to recognise the need for understanding. We need to recognise that we are all works in progress and so there will never be a perfect response. How else do we learn if we don’t know what went wrong?

I hope that I recover enough to help another person, if there is such a need. Right now, I balk at the idea and I know that is not godly. I hope too that those involved in the wider church, recognise that they have to also serve better. It would be good to start praying that should another situation like this arise, we as the church, will be better able to display Christ’s love. I hope that somehow, this spurs each one of us to strive for this, ‘for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them’ (Ephesians 2: 10).

We’ve got our home back now, dad and me. Slowly things are returning to normalcy. There is no constant demand on my time, and I don’t have to be the ever-vigilant counselor, friend or sister. I feel like a burden’s been lifted. It’s a good feeling indeed.

I set out to help someone who was in need. The need was genuine: her husband was abusive. Somehow though, the full force of caring for her fell on me. We weren’t ready as a church to look out for her. Her abusive husband got a lot more care, somehow. It made me so furious at the time – and to a point it still bothers me, but I’m recognizing our limitations for what they are. By the time people were ready to reach out, the friend I was helping was excessively wary of everyone. I don’t blame her. The comments weren’t all kind and a lot of things came across as nosy, insensitive and judgmental. “Do you think it’s God’s judgment?” “Give me the specifics of what happened so that I can pray for you.” There were so many of such comments. It was all a bit much. What I didn’t see was that it all sort of played into her own area of weakness, which is to cling to one person over and above all else. That person was me. So – she made me her centre, a position that I really did not want. My boundaries were constantly breached as she had no one else to turn to – and I was increasingly frustrated with the situation, not to mention, exhausted.

The question I struggled with most was whether the desire to break free from her clutches was godly. I wanted my freedom. I missed hanging out with my friends the way we always used to. She was always around, and it changed the dynamic of all my relationships. It didn’t bother her – she was oblivious to it. I constantly wondered how I should be living this out. It is hard to share everything. There are some relational dynamics that I don’t want to share all the time. Jesus didn’t help because he gave His life up. That example and what Paul said about being poured out like a drink offering weighed so heavily on me. How to break free? How to be godly? How could I justify asking her to leave when we have space at home? It was a difficult one.

All of a sudden, my world came crashing: Patches died. Sleep was elusive. I was shattered. My darling boy was no more, and the pain of loss was searing. My friends surrounded me with their love and care. This was just such a godsend. They were sharing in my loss in a way that really helped me. It was in this moment of loss and love that my boundaries were breached again. My friend was unable to cope with a lack of attention, and the demand she placed on my grieving time and space was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I asked her to move out.

I wish I had asked her to move out right away. I didn’t. It got ugly. My friend couldn’t understand why I was furious. Her breaches of boundaries against others were something she forgave so easily. She couldn’t forgive it when others breached her boundary. I wasn’t ready to help her work it out. I was grieving Patches’ loss and I resented that she was infringing on that time. Her complaints were that I accepted love from other friends but rejected her. It was tiring and I didn’t want to discuss it further. The questions about what I needed to do and how I should act in godly fashion still haunted me though.

There was a Tim Keller podcast that I listened to that helped me on that score. He explained how Jesus set the standard: open arms on the cross so that all could come in. I remember my heart sinking as I heard that. However, he went on to say that that very standard set us up for failure, for it was impossible for us all to live up to it in the same way. The relief I felt was palpable. It was what I needed to hear. Jesus knew that I would never be able to do what He did. I could strive for it and in this instance, with this friend, I really tried. However, I needed to recognize my limitations and surrender them to Him. My motivations for wanting her to leave were simple: I needed peace of mind. I needed to heal from losing Patches and I needed my life to be mine. I couldn’t bring about godly behaviour in her either when I gave in to her demands. I had been doing that for almost 2 years. I don’t expect her to see this. I’m disappointed in some of the things that she has said and done since she left our home but I’m not about to fix it. This is something she needs to do with Jesus.

As part of the church that let my friend down, I too have failed. I couldn’t steer the course to the end. This is the stark reality of who we are. We can’t really fix things. Only Jesus can. He’s helping me fix this feeling of failure in myself by showing me how we really are destined for failure on so many counts. I don’t think we’re ever meant to stop trying to fix things. Didn’t James say ‘What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or a sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. (James 2: 14 – 16). This verse has been so helpful in understanding what Paul talks about when he says he’s alright with being poured out like a drink offering (Philippians 2:17). It is essential that we labour for others and that we help as much as we can: it would depict Christ working through us, His church. However, we never become the cure. We just don’t have that power. Paul seems to say this in 1 Corinthians 3: 5-7: What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. I need to repent from trying to be the cure. I am not the cure and I never will be.

I bear my friend no ill will, though I don’t see how it will be possible to have a healthy relationship with her now. She too must pick up the mantle and start displaying some of the work of the Spirit. I wish her well in that – I hope she lets God work in her. It will show from the way she treats the people she has blamed for the collapse of her relationship with me, I should think. Letting God work in her will bring her true healing. However, I don’t need to worry about that now. I just need to let Him work His healing in me through the lessons I have learnt from this chapter. I need to look at how He’s bringing people into my life to partner with me in the gospel and to share in coffee dates or other fun times with. He’s also sent me Loki. I’m overwhelmed at the amount of healing He’s sending along my way and the realizations that come along with it. It’s phenomenally humbling and shows me how much love He bears me.

This chapter with my friend has left an unsavoury taste in my mouth. I feel like I’ve failed. Yet, this failure has shown me how God has been working and how He has protected me from losing more areas of my life to a person who cared not for my boundaries at all. It has been wonderful having time to read at home or just do nothing. It’s been superb being able to have conversations whether on the phone or by messaging, without a person waiting to have a talk. It has been great having people over again – some had to stay away because of the offence that my friend felt they had caused her. It has been good having time to chat to my dad without a third person present. It has been good to participate in community lunches and conversations in church without having to dash off. All these healing moments have shown me that despite my sin and lack of significance, God cares and that He is working within me indeed. I take great comfort in that. I hope He lets me recover from this long episode and I hope He grants me wisdom that I may be able to act in a way that is in line with His Will if ever anyone is in need of help.

Christians all over the world are coming together to reflect on the cross where Jesus died for us. It is such an emotional time because we are often overwhelmed by the magnitude of the sacrifice that Jesus made. This is especially in light of who we are. The worthy dying for the unworthy just does not make sense. It is so hard to understand and many are disgusted by the idea of this sacrifice that was required by God.

I cannot imagine Eden. I cannot imagine this perfect world that God created. I cannot imagine the perfect world He promises. There’s so much wrong with the world. We have war torn countries where millions are displaced or suffering from food shortages. We have countries where everything is at a halt because of belligerent leaders. Poverty in some of these places is just scary. In many countries, corruption reigns- some more refined than others. There are huge battles on gender and issues of sexuality as well as on the issue of freedom to embrace faith. There are so many issues! I cannot list them all. I understand how sin entered the world from the perspective of the Bible and I understand that this means we ought not be surprised by some of what’s going on. This is difficult. Even on a personal level, we see degeneration in our bodies and minds. We struggle with ageing, sickness and stress. Factor in difficult relationships – or any relationship. There is death. The list is unending. We struggle with so much. Sometimes we can see how some of our struggles have been a means by which God has corrected areas of sin in our lives or by which He has shown us mercy and compassion. Sometimes, we see this. But most of the time, there are so many things going on that are just so painful to watch and which we cannot fix. All of this is why, I struggle to understand Eden or the new world. I cannot even begin to comprehend peace, joy and contentment. I cannot comprehend being free of pain and tears.

At the moment, I am waiting to watch The Avengers: Endgame. How will my favourite superheroes undo the genocide brought about by Thanos through the infinity stones? I have been watching the different Marvel movies to whet my appetite on what is to come to cinemas near me in a week’s time. There is so much excitement about how a group of heroes will save the world. There is also a lot of heroism, pomp and grandeur. Yet, the world that they save, inevitably goes back to the world as we know it: still full of poverty, environmental, and political issues on a global level. Individual lives are left unchanged too. The same relational problems and other struggles remain. Even Hollywood doesn’t help me picture the freedom that Jesus’ salvation claims to bring.

Still, I believe.

I believe simply because I am a recipient of grace. I am very sure on this score because I otherwise cannot see myself buying into this idea of a perfect world to come. I cannot buy into it simply because I  cannot fathom it. However, I believe it because I have been granted grace. So I believe that the Bible is God’s Word. As I study it, it makes complete sense. I believe that Jesus, perfectly God, became man to take my sin. Why didn’t this Almighty God just forgive sin? Every sin is against God and God is just. A just God means that He cannot simply overlook sin. Overlooking a wrong doesn’t make us good- in case we think this. A just God must punish sin. However, God is also merciful and loving. And so, instead of making us pay for our sin, He paid for it Himself. I believe this. Why He did it, is something I cannot imagine. Simply, it is because I cannot imagine suffering any penalty in the place of a loved one. I mean, I may walk with them, try to comfort them, but to take their place? I don’t think so. So I know that there is some sort of intervention here, that enables me to believe. The Bible tells me that this is grace: ‘For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…’  (Ephesians 2:8). I can accept it though I cannot explain it.

I want to thank Jesus for His sacrifice. I want to thank Him as I journey in my faith because there has been so much grace. I cannot imagine the perfect world without pain and sorrow: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4. I want to thank Him for dying for me, despite the ugliness of my sin. I want to thank Him for the hope I have that His Spirit will work in to bring to completion the work He has started in me: And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. – Philippians 1:6.

Most of all though, I want to thank Him for this hope that I have where I won’t cry or feel pain anymore. As petty as my problems are in the face of the larger issues plaguing the world, I still cry for my mum. Now – I also cry for Patches and for the degenerative nature of my illness. I am so relieved that I don’t have to fix anything. I want to thank Jesus for the grace He has given me even now in the midst of all this difficulty: there are friends and family that make the problems I face seem alright. They help me work things out and I hope I return the favour to them. There are chats, laughs, good food and drink that make me go “wow” and totally overwhelm me. There is kindness that comes my way that I know I don’t deserve. With all of this happening here in the now and with the promise I have to look forward to, I thank You, Jesus, for letting me believe.

The fury I felt was incredible. I wouldn’t have been in the least surprised to have seen a green Hulk in the mirror and to have found out that in some twisted way, I was actually Bruce Banner. It wasn’t calm and it certainly wasn’t pleasant. The rush of blood to my head seemed to be accompanied by some ridiculous thundering and rumbling of sorts within me. I was not happy. How I wanted to scream out from the tops of mountains and from the depths of the oceans. I was angry and I was also tired. Never a good combination in a sinful being. 

The anger was triggered by the reaction of a close friend who took a few words said between us on a particular subject to a level that they hadn’t been intended for. In a way, she felt rejected and was probably in shock that this purported rejection was coming from me, for I think she’s more of a daughter to me than she realises. I can only imagine that she thought that I was joining the list of close people who had abandoned her inexplicably. I fumed that she could even think that after the journey we’ve been on. I also felt particularly angry because of the timing of it all: it was within the week that Patches had died and my heart has been breaking for him. I want and need to cry for this loss. I resented her actions for what they robbed me of during this time of grief. 

Then a message from her came through, bringing the boiling me to a stop. She had spoken to the counsellor and  had things explained to her – she now saw that things had been taken out of context and that assumptions had been made and acted upon. She is sorry. I immediately felt sorry too and am ready to forgive. Am relieved, actually. It was the perfect balm. Am thankful to God for this. 

Her message has been on my mind. Her actions and thought processes have been formed by long term abuse. I have to say that I knew this and it still didn’t stop the hurt when it happened. It has been difficult for it wasn’t the first time. The difference was this time, it has caught me when I am feeling low. The ability to be more restrained and less furious are not working at optimum levels for me right now. 

What happens now? We’re scheduled to talk. It is clear, we both need Jesus. She needs wisdom in managing daily relationships. I need to be more Christlike and less Hulk-like. This big picture is easier to grasp at compared to what it translates to in day to day interactions. It isn’t something either of us can map out for Lord alone knows what lies ahead and how each day will pan out. I don’t know. It’s so difficult to accept my limited vision. The challenge for me is to rely on God completely for I cannot fix it. I am reminded of the following verse: ‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’ (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

I cannot fix or reverse the damage done to her for she has endured long term abuse. Even the Avenger I imagine myself to be cannot do so, for if I were the keeper of the time stone, I imagine I could somehow manage to reverse this instance. But how many situations could I help and I’d possibly cause a mighty migraine if I constantly reversed things. 

God doesn’t change the consequences of our actions. In Numbers 21, when the Israelites complained in the wilderness, God sent fiery serpents as their punishment. If bitten, they died. When there was repentance, God didn’t take away the fiery serpents. Instead, He gave them a way through. Moses was to put a bronze serpent on a pole and whoever looked at it would be saved. That’s the imagery we have for the coming of Christ and His crucifixion on the cross so much later. Whoever calls on Jesus will be saved. I get that. 

Yet it doesn’t help me fix my current problem. The Israelites who looked at the bronze serpent didn’t die. It feels like they had reprieve. What am I missing? 

I wonder if I myself am fully equipped and mentally ready for this walk with my friend. I wonder if I have enough humility. When our journey started, I had seen the need for her to escape the clutches of her abusive husband. I hadn’t fully calculated the impact of the abuse from her husband and even from her own home as she grew up. I never understood or would’ve been able to understand the damage such long term abuse wreaked. I come from a safe home. It is impossible to know of such things until you see it. It is impossible to believe the extent of the damage until you witness it. 

Often the friends who surround us tell us things like “let go of the past” or “the past doesn’t define you”. These aren’t helpful. I’ve seen my friend balk at them. The past has shaped her considerably. We can talk about reprogramming and relearning stuff but it isn’t as easy as rebooting your computer and moving on with what needs to be done. Our minds adopt patterns that we aren’t aware of until we suffer some consequence from an unhealthy pattern. 

It’s also easy to say “I’ve no tolerance” or that “I lack the patience”. It is very easy to mask these by talking about boundaries. This has been my biggest challenge. I am an only child and am so loved. I don’t know if the difficulties I’m facing as I deal with my friend are as a result of extreme selfishness on my part. Why is it so hard to share my space? Why is it hard to share my friends, family and all my other blessings? Why do I lack ability to give more? What am I holding on to for myself? Didn’t Paul pour himself out as a drink offering for the church? (Philippians 2:17) Didn’t that mean he served the church in humility where his interests never trumped the faith of those he was building up in Christ? He was willing to deny himself over and over again for their faith. 

There is the greater example of true supremacy serving when we look at the story of Jesus and His disciples at the Passover meal. The dispute about who was the greatest is met with the following from Jesus: ‘For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.’ (Luke 22:27). Where is my willingness to do this? These examples put me to shame. Boundaries are necessary, though. Even Jesus rested. So maybe I need to be wiser with how I rest so that I can better serve too. 

Yet, as I consider this, my mind goes back to the dispute on greatness during the Passover meal. Here was true greatness showing me how to aspire to greatness and He knew as He did, that I would never be able to measure up even though it means taking up my actual position of servitude. He knew I would never be able to aspire to true greatness simply because I suck at true service. I truly am ashamed, when I think of this. I have demanded it of my leaders and friends in church but I myself cannot live up to it. I am ashamed indeed. 

I don’t know what will happen in the next leg of my journey with my friend. I can see now that I need to be willing to give up more as she works on building up her faith and her life in Christ. I am not sure that this would’ve been the road I chose for myself. I would probably have chosen roads with lots of drive throughs from which I could get good coffee and on which there were zero traffic jams or any sort of hold ups. I don’t know how to navigate from here. So I must remind myself again that His grace is sufficient for me. I need to also remind my friend that for now, I think I am the instrument that He has chosen to speak into her life and to walk with her. I am, however, terribly flawed as she has witnessed. I also genuinely am stumped – as she must see, for my limitations are becoming clearer. I hope she sees this. However, may we both learn to be like Paul so that we can say like him: ‘For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ (2 Corinthians 12:10). This won’t be easy. We both need to recognise and accept this. We will fail again and again and again. But His grace is and will be sufficient for us. May we learn to rely on it.

My darling Patches came bouncing into my life at the beginning of 2010. He was full of life, terribly energetic and dangerously cute. It’s no secret that I totally fell for him and he showed his absolute devotion to me by attaching himself to my person literally. It’s still pretty much early days in 2019… and my darling boy is no longer with us. We were forced to say goodbye. 

In 2017, he survived a poisoning in January and then had a tumour removed from his liver in October. He seemed to have fully overcome these setbacks and he bounded back into life. The moment he could, he started trying to catch birds in the garden. He’d stick his head into a bush and despite his wagging tail sticking out, he seemed to think he was invisible. From there, he would spring into action. I was amused and he had a ball. Am not sure the birds were on the same page with either of us. Though I must say that at times, it felt like they were on friendly terms with him. 

There were also his own silly ways of doing things that he had gone back to. He had his own routines when given a biscuit, for instance. He would run with it to the carpet, drop it on the carpet and then prance about it. He had so much joy within him and really enjoyed the little things I know I often take for granted. 

He had over the past year, developed an affinity for pears! This was almost hilarious to watch as he couldn’t quite get over how easy it was for him to chew on a piece of pear. It’s almost as if he expected the crunch from a bone! I loved feeding him pears. I loved feeding him, period. 

Whenever he felt the injustice of not being fed, which was quite an imagined case, he would help himself to whatever food he could get his paws on. One new year’s day a couple of friends and I got together somewhat impromptu. One of them had brought a salad with chicken in it. At one point, we’d all stepped away from the dining table. When we got back, we realised that all the chicken in the salad had not so mysteriously vanished. There stood my darling turkey thief, as I call him, feigning perfect innocence! 

We really loved our walks together. I think that Patches was in love with life. He sniffed at everything along the way, especially flowers and sought to smell every single flower we passed on our walks. He was patted by a lot of the kids in our housing area. Some were afraid of dogs but decided this gentle, docile creature was safe enough to pat. Their faces displayed their joy in being so brave and Patches’ face displayed satisfaction at being so loved. 

He’d become a little shyer of people ever since the last operation in 2017. He’d stick even closer to me whenever we had visitors at home. He was probably the most comfortable with women. He never shied away from getting back rubs and ear scratches. In fact, he would ever so kindly, position himself so that they didn’t have to stretch too much to rub his back. My boy was so thoughtful. 

I’ve been out of work since March 2018. Except for some freelance work, I’ve been at home. These 11 months with my darling Patches have been really wonderful. All this while, I could see how happy he was that I wasn’t running off without him. He was so content with our walks and our afternoon siestas. He started drinking out of my mug, just as a matter of fact. We apparently share things! He followed me around from the time we woke up until we went to bed. All this happened because I quit work to focus on my RA. I’ve been pondering and wondering whether I made the right decision and how to get back to work, when I now see that this time together was so special. God knew. God gave me this without even me asking for it. Providence, indeed. 

All I can say for now is that my boy was a blessing to me. He lifted my spirits in so many ways and helped me cry when I am so good at suppression. I’ve had bouts of giggles because of his silliness and I’ve had a steady companion. He has taught me lessons in how I should be approaching God and also on how much God has supported us through community. Even now, in my sadness, I am lifted because of His comfort through an outpouring of love from family and friends.  The realisation I now have about this time granted to me to be with my boy, the turkey thief, overwhelms and humbles me. I seek His grace that one day, the turkey thief and I will be reunited and that in the meantime, while I soldier on, I will be grateful always for the blessing He gave me. 

My darling Patches, I will miss talking to you, cuddling you, feeding you and just having you. You were such a good boy, my love. You’ll always be my boy. Love you. 

It isn’t easy for anyone managing others to know how to respond to emergency time off or even sick leave requests. There is no doubt that over and over again, sick leave and emergency time out options have been abused by some employees, thus making it harder for those with genuine reasons who need to take time off. 

Having been in both situations: where I’ve been managed and where I’ve had to manage, I can see the troubles both sides face. There are some employees who are genuinely sickly. Some problems, which appear trifling to the eye, can really get in the way of someone being able to come in to work consistently. There are also those who have to shoulder slightly more arduous circumstances than the rest, for one reason or other. For some of these, time off options have been a lifeline but may have at various points subjected them to sharp criticism. Managers don’t always feel they’ve got a grasp of the times when someone calls in sick or needs an emergency time out. 

We can quite easily sympathise with some of these managers too. You get the employees who’re constantly ‘sick’ or who need time out urgently for some fictitious problem or other. You know it too! There’s almost always some kind of give away. You look at their work history and you see their emergencies almost always happen on the Monday or Friday of a long weekend. Sometimes, their social media pages give them away. This behaviour doesn’t only trouble management, it causes difficulties to the teams these individuals are a part of as now team members have to pull their weight as well. 

I don’t have a solution as to how to stop people from abusing their medical or emergency leave options. A lot of this boils down to the belief system or values that the individual holds. I am in favour of bosses having chats with truant employees, especially when there are performance issues. This is much needed. However, I am also in favour of perhaps granting the time out when sought so that genuine requests don’t get turned down. It is impossible to sometimes know. People in charge shouldn’t have to harden themselves so much that they no longer reflect their humanity. That would be the recipe for disaster. Instead, if there’s a management of expectations where they were concerned that out of all their employees, some will have genuine problems and some will be less so, their approach can be to be more supportive. There doesn’t have to be an oppressive stance taken to weed out such behaviour. It doesn’t make those in charge weaker to do this. 

There could maybe be a more robust observation of employees and their performance. A follow through when targets aren’t met or when performance is below par would put the manager in a better position to act without second guessing themselves or being second guessed. They can be seen to be acting fairly. I think it would also preserve them from having to act in a manner that may cause them to lose the human element of who they are. This happens far too often when we seek to exercise control over all things. 

Perhaps it is also necessary when we manage people, to recognise that just because someone takes us for a ride, it doesn’t necessarily make us weak. If there are suitable follow throughs, then there is a definite observance of boundaries, which can only be lauded. What needs to be recognised is those who abuse the options of sick or emergency leave are the ones who should be checking their integrity. They’re the ones who really are guilty of making the work place less humane as they put pressures on people at different levels. 

There isn’t a foolproof solution. I do think though, it isn’t the same as a situation of applying for annual leave, when it may be easier to negotiate whether the application should be approved or not. Refusal is tougher when someone needs a sick day or needs to utilise their emergency leave options for whatever reason, genuine or fictitious. For annual leave, is easier to say that an application for leave isn’t going to be accepted because of a legitimate reason, such as a peak period of that others have already applied for leave ahead of time. Again,  the tricky bit is regulating emergency and sick leave. Unnecessary comments to guilt the person requesting may be made wrongly and in such situations, more damage than good is done. So- instead of worrying about losing control, leave the discussion about whether it was appropriate or not for such leave to have been taken and raise doubts  if any, once the person returns. It will be worthwhile to have such discussions, hard as they may be because they are not emotionally charged but rather evidence based or form part of an evidence collecting exercise.