Fear

The sensation within was inescapable. Beads of sweat were forming on the temples of her forehead and she distinctly felt the chill of cold sweat running down her back. What could she do in this moment? Her father wasn’t breathing, or maybe it was that his breath was so faint. Of course, it was faint. Nothing else.

She grabbed her phone and called 911. The operator sounded calm and she could feel the contrast in her voice when asking for help, which was shrill and stressed. ‘My dad’s not breathing. Please send an ambulance- quickly!’ By this time, she felt her hands and feet going ice cold. Odd to be feeling cold in the middle of the heat in the tropics.

She ran back to her dad. ‘Papa, wake up!’ As she pleaded with him urgently to please wake up, she couldn’t help but notice that even with her cold hands, she could feel the iciness of his. Not a good sign.

She had called her aunt. ‘Come quick!’ She had also somehow sent out a few WhatsApp messages to her pastor and to some other friends and family. She needed someone else to come and help her. ‘Please God, please God…’ she heard herself saying as the heat from her tears stung her eyes. ‘Please God, don’t let this be happening.’ She felt exhausted and beaten. ‘Come on, papa! Come on!’

She was losing her father.’ There it was again, a distinct chill, gripping her. She was furious with herself. The stupid RA that she struggled with meant she couldn’t kneel.  She needed to kneel. She knew if she attempted it, she would suffer a fall. It wasn’t the time for a taking attention away from papa. She had to be okay to do anything that was needed.

She hovered over her dad and tried to feel his breath. Nothing, but if she could only kneel, she was sure she would catch the faintness of his breath. ‘Hold on, papa. The ambulance is on its way. Hold on… please. Oh God, oh God…’ She felt the need to do more. Maybe she should rub papa’s hands. Yes. The warmth would help make him feel better. She took his hand in hers, noticing again the icy feel to them. She would warm them. She rubbed his hands with all the energy she could muster. That would definitely help.

Her pastor called. She answered his call. ‘Can you get a pulse?’ She tried to get a pulse again. ‘I can’t feel anything,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘It’s too faint. Even his breathing is very faith.’ She couldn’t hear his reply because her voice kept repeating in her head – ‘it’s faint, it’s faint. oh God, please let it be faint.’ She couldn’t remember how the call ended.

She knew she wanted to keep the line free in case the ambulance drivers needed directions. A momentary stress hit her. The recent changes in road names and how areas were being reassigned meant that her address wasn’t always clearly picked up by the GPS. ‘Oh God, please let that not happen. If they get here early, they can revive him.

Why is he so cold?’ She resumed the rubbing of his hands and moved to his feet as well. He was ice cold, and his skin refused to warm up. ‘Come on papa… come on…hold on.’

She kept beating down the rising dread. No, she wouldn’t give in. The ambulance guys would revive him They would revive him. Surely, they would. They would come and they would make it okay. He may need to be in hospital for oxygen. ‘Oh God, oh God…help.’ She knew she would do whatever it took to nurse him back to health.

Just two months prior, they’d celebrated his nineth birthday. It’d all been so wonderful and beautiful. They were surrounded by family and friends. He’d been so happy. He’d felt loved and there was a sense of satisfaction being celebrated that way. ‘Oh papa, please don’t do this. Just open your eyes a little, please!’ She almost screamed that out.

The tension in her voice was clear. She called 911 again. ‘The ambulance is on its way, miss. Can you get a pulse?’ Why did everyone keep asking her about a pulse? She only knew how the pulse was taken from watching TV. Half the time those types of things weren’t accurate.

‘Papa is breathing faintly. Faint – but breathing. That became her mantra. He was breathing. He was. They will revive him. Oh God. oh God…help. I better open the gate so they can come in.’ Yes, she needed to have everything in place so that there’d be no hurdles for the paramedics.

She loathed to leave her dad even for a second, but she needed to be brave and do this. No delays for the ambulance guys. Smooth the way. She opened the gate and left everything wide open. They knew to come in straight away.

As she turned to walk in, she could see her aunt and some neighbours arriving. ‘I think he’s breathing but very faint. Very faint.’ Her voice sounded unconvincing to her. Never mind, they would see what she meant. They would confirm that the paramedics would revive him.

If only she had heard him go down. If only she had been there at that moment, his breathing wouldn’t have got so faint. ‘Oh God… please, help. Let him be okay.’

The ambulance arrived as she was walking back into the house with her aunt and neighbours. She saw them jump out of the ambulance with a few things in hand. ‘Good,’ she thought. They would revive him. ‘Bapa di dalam bilik. Masuk terus, cepat, cepat.’ She heard herself calling out to the guys in Malay, just in case they didn’t speak English well. ‘My dad’s in the room. Just go inside, quick, quick.’ She ran in behind them. They were going to revive him.

She felt a sense of relief that they’d got there so quickly. She’d need to go with them in the ambulance. She wanted to be with papa all the way. Instinctively, she grabbed her purse and phone. She would need that. ‘Thank you, God. They’re going to revive him. They’re going to …’

She noticed her neighbour shaking his head. Why? They were going to revive papa. She felt the chill return. A strong dread gripped her. Her hands were so cold and she was alive. Papa’s breathing was faint. They would revive him. Surely. ‘Oh God, oh God, help.’  Why was there no rush. The paramedics should be dashing out with him. They needed to get him to the hospital.

Another chill came over her body. Her knees felt weak and she was desperate to sit down. She looked over at her aunt, a sense of confusion, worry, and pain hitting her at once. Why were there tears running down her aunt’s face? What was going on? Why weren’t the ambulance guys rushing papa to the hospital? ‘I’m so sorry…,’ and with that her aunt burst into sobs.

Her neighbour stood by papa and put his hand on papa’s hands. Finally, someone was trying to warm papa’s hands! Finally. ‘I’m sorry for you…,’ her neighbour had turned his face towards her. She couldn’t understand all that was being said to her. What was with all the hushed tones?

The chill she felt intensified. The paramedic walked up to her. He was saying something but she couldn’t understand. She took the pen he handed her and signed the document he placed before her. Her world had just crashed.