The Partnership

The last two months of 2024 were filled with stress because I was losing my job. Being made redundant has not been a pleasant experience. It really delivers a sucker punch and sucker punches make you reel. There has been angst about direction. It’s hard to plan when you’re reeling. I’ve lost the sleep rhythm that I worked so hard to gain. Since November, sleep has been fitful at best. Not great.

Yet, this morning, there’s a song in my heart. There’s been such a huge turnaround in how I’m feeling. Tomorrow, on 8 March 2025, in conjunction with International Women’s Day, I am launching a new consultancy. I’ve had the desire to set up some kind of business for some time now, having done so in the past. Some of the journeys that I took were great, but not easy. Well, I say that I’m ready, now, after ages of waiting. I had such a great experience with a partner when I set up a business from scratch. There was so much I learnt from him about fairness and contentment in negotiations. I learnt about boundaries from him and it meant our partnership was healthy. When we ended the business, it was nothing to do with us not getting along, but rather that it was time to move on. To me, having a partner was such a great journey that I always thought that I needed to have a partner to start something new. Hence the delay. It’s not easy to find someone on the same page as you. Before anyone says anything, okay – so maybe my page has got a few dog ears, rips, and isn’t terribly pristine!

When I started taking a look at jobs to apply for, there were lots more things I needed to think about this time. I have been working from home since before the pandemic started, partly due to the different time zones, which made it impossible to keep a 9-5 schedule and partly due to changes in my own health situation. I struggle with rheumatoid arthritis and RA is a progressive disease and at that point I was dealing with terrible fatigue. Right now, as I write this, inflammation levels are normal and I’m target for remission if I can keep this going for a bit. The sickening part is that even if I do things right, I don’t control how my body works and how the disease behaves. I am conscious of how this affects my commuting to a new job and with all that’s being done to reverse things to onsite work, which I find most frustrating, taking a job in the city, may mean moving to the city. At this point, I’m not sure it’s what I want to do. I’m not as enamoured as I was about living in the city some years ago. A move feels like additional change. I feel I need a bit of stability given how much change has taken place in such a short time. These are all now factors that I cannot ignore when considering job options.

The other thing is I’ve not found a rhythm since losing my dad. What does this mean? It means I no longer have someone at home with me to be there for or who is there for me. I don’t know how to manage it. When I had Patches, Loki and for the brief period that he was alive when Gamora arrived, my dad helped me with these furry creatures who wormed their way into our hearts and home. It made a difference. I was free to go out and work and even if my workday ended up being a twelve- or fourteen-hour day, my dad was at home with them. They weren’t locked in on their own. I don’t have that same back up with Gamora now. I have to really thank God for my cousin, whom I call Gamora’s fairy-godmother who turns up for Gamora more than I expect. Tomorrow, when I host the drop-in for my new venture, she’s taking Gamora with her for the day. Her mum, my aunt who says she’s Gamora’s fairy-god-grandma also steps in a lot. A lot of the time on short notice too. The reality is, my cousin is working in a demanding job herself. She has a lot on her plate and my aunt has a lot to do in her life. It’s different from my dad who lived here with me and was just there. I used to come in and say ‘Papa, I’m so sorry and thank you,’ on the days that I was especially late for I knew that my four-legged darlings were safe. This isn’t the only way, but my dad’s not being around has made such a difference to my life. It is another factor for me to consider as I think of next steps work wise. It’s easy to throw out suggestions like a dog day care, but as much as Gamora’s a bouncy little juggernaut, her bounciness and confidence comes from her closeness to me. She’s terrified otherwise and I see it when I take her to get her nails done. She cannot handle all the other dogs and you can see how overwhelming it all is. Her little heart thumps so fast and loud that when I carry her back to the car, I can feel it beating. I don’t have a rhythm without my dad.

The idea of starting a business, is as I said something I’ve been keen to do. Yet my hunt was for the right partner, and the right idea. Whatever it was had to be sustainable. Whoever it was with had to be workable. I admit I have worried about this a lot. Over a conversation, one of my wise friends said that it sounded almost as if the perfect partner was Jesus. It’s one thing to know Biblical truths, it’s quite another to have some of them repeated to you in a thoughtful way. I did wonder what the hold back was. Maybe I was worried about this partnership. The truth is, in a partnership between Jesus and me, the only one likely to fail is me. Ouch.

My prayer has been for several things. It’s been to help quell the intense sadness I feel without my dad, which in turn is opening up my mum’s absence. My parents were such ordinary people. Not at all savvy in business or the ways of the world. They didn’t know naughty nuances in language, so they didn’t get a lot of naughty jokes. They weren’t brilliant at investing their funds – it was always safe options. There was a lot of learning to live within our means. They didn’t keep up with anything trendy. It was not their thing. Yet, they were faithful to their God. They taught me all about Him to the best of their abilities. They made mistakes and talked about failings. They apologized when necessary. They were practical about things that were life and death. There was a steadiness about them. There was nothing flash. Just faithful, calm, steady folk. I miss them. I longed so much for the opportunity to just chat to them about how things unfolded in my last job and all the things I need to now consider as I take steps forward. I miss their quiet wisdom. My other prayer has been for direction. I don’t know whether I’m meant to get a job or if I should start a business. I’ve been applying for work and somehow there’s been a push to go about doing things to set up a business. There have been conversations about freelance opportunities and the idea of setting up a website came up. As I applied for jobs and moved about to set up, I found myself more drawn to the later. There were more pieces falling into place and before I knew it, I am here, on the eve of launching my new consultancy.

I’m excited and nervous all in one. I’m sad because I miss my parents. I’m exhilarated from the work done on the website. How I enjoyed working on it. There was so much support on how to get the technicalities done – it was more than a prayer answered. I feel a deep sense of satisfaction and a drive to keep going every time I sat down to work on it. It’s such a wonderful feeling when you’re content. I’ve enjoyed conversations on work and options that lie ahead. There’ve been introductions and amazing suggestions. These offers and suggestions have spurred me on. I felt a sense of worry slip away. As I worked on my website, some gave me great feedback, little things that you miss because you’re in your head. It was helpful to make tweaks and find myself feeling an even greater sense of joy as the webpage unfolded. Some gave me praise and many assurances. I cannot tell you how supported I’ve been feeling with my launch happening tomorrow. One cousin drove from so far just to drop stuff off for me to use for the launch. I walk a tight balance of managing RA related fatigue, so this help goes a long way. She’s been asking me to keep her posted on what else needs doing. My other cousin, Gamora’s fairy-godmother has offered to take Gamora out and keep her for the day. The stress that takes off me where managing Gamora is concerned is inexplicable. Friends have been checking in and doing all sorts – I am so grateful.

As I consider how things unfold, I realise that there’s been only one reason why I’ve been so supported. For me, it is crystal clear that God has been making sure I don’t sink. I’ve been feeling embattled, inadequate, and scared. I worry about my relevance, my expertise, and my ability to move forward. In the past, I would’ve focused on all the people who haven’t turned up and I’d have lost even more confidence. This time, I feel almost like the birds of the air and the grass of the field that God looks after (Matthew 6: 25-34) – I am cared for! I’m seeing this through the different people that have come into my life. Today, I took some minutes to send a special message to some of these who have been especially prominent – I am beyond grateful.

My circumstances haven’t really changed. My home is shattered as is my heart. I don’t have my mum and dad with me. I think there’s no recovery there. I’ve had to say goodbye to working alongside some of the loveliest people I know. Six years getting to know them and developing friendships and those regular interactions are now different. I’m saddened by this upheaval. I need a job – well a source of income, and starting a new business isn’t the easiest thing to do. Has anyone looked at the state of the economy recently? I’ve reason to be worried. Yet, there is a peace deep within. I’m not spiraling despite all that’s happened. I have joy, even. Unexpected joy, but unmistakable. There is contentment. There is excitement. Maybe it is because I’m experiencing God’s love through all the different people He’s sending along. I’m being cared for, cherished, and it’s mind blowing. I am indeed a recipient of grace.

Whilst I cannot guarantee that the clarity I have in this moment will remain constant (though it be my fervent prayer!), I am thankful for this insight. We’ve not been promised lives without trial. It is through these trials that we experience grace. Grace when it comes at these points is sweet. It overwhelms you. It nurtures and fills you. It is in this moment of grace that I can say ‘Oh taste and see that the LORD s good!’ (Psalm 34:8). My favourite king David wrote that psalm when he was in such turmoil that he had to pretend he was a nutcase. He received grace. I pray that this will always be my posture – to be a ready recipient of grace despite the circumstances that come my way.

Papa and mummy, I think you’d be proud of this new venture. How I wish I could share it with you! I love and miss you.