Grace that is never redundant.

The thing that has been on my mind a lot since November last year, was an unfolding work situation. I am being made redundant. Let me say that again. I am being made redundant. There’s a shock element to the whole thing, which has been a challenging part of the process. Redundancy isn’t pleasant even when conducted well, and it’s worse if the process has been a little bumpy. However, in both instances, whether the handholding was skilful or not, there is a shock value, which isn’t possible to eliminate. It’s not something that’s supposed to happen to you. It happens to others, horribly enough, but not you. This is the shock that I am grappling with. Prior to this, when I left other jobs, my employers have mostly tried to get me to stay. At this stage of my career, being let go is a new feeling. I can’t say I like it very much! 

A new challenge now lies ahead. I’m at crossroads. Do I apply for another job or do I set up my own business. Having gone through what I’ve just had to, there’s a slight resistance to the idea of working for an organisation, though I like the idea of a steady income very much! I’m not new to setting up a business, and that idea seems good, but perhaps because of recent bereavement over which I am grieving, the challenge feels a bit big. Another possibility too is that the shock of recent events has drained my energy levels. That’s a very real possibility. I’m so very conflicted as to direction. Should I go right or should I take the left turn? 

My mind has been in a state of overdrive. I have been doing all the right things, from spending time in the outdoors, talking to God and my friends, reminding myself not to panic, but the buzz in my brain has been going on. I realised the extent of this when I made an error which inconvenienced a trip I’ve been planning. I leave next week and this was not what I needed to deal with. As I shared this with a friend in passing, she just stepped in. She helped iron out the wrinkle. Just like that. She reminded me to show myself some grace. Perhaps it was the way in which she was so matter-of-fact about it, which helped. It made me feel calm again. I hadn’t even told her of how I’d teared up because the mistake made my dad’s absence so clear. Ordinarily, he’d have stepped in. My friend’s gesture has helped the sensation of being overwhelmed because it reminded me of how God sends us help in our times of trouble. I felt like He saw me and came to my aid. 

I don’t want to pretend that everything is now okay after that one hiccup. The reality is that this is not a pleasant time. I’ve been feeling such sadness as colleagues have been quietly messaging me to let me know how surprised and sad they are at the news. There have been many warm things said that remind me why this is sad. I’ll be losing people that I love working with. If anyone knows anything about me by now, losing people is not something I do particularly well. I’m grateful for the assurances my colleagues are giving me about how we’re going to remain friends. I pray for this to be true. 

It feels like there’s been hit after hit. Loki died, close friends going through terminal illnesses and passing on, so many family members passed on and the deepest cut for me here was my dad. All these since November 2022. I’m not counting other past losses, most significantly my mum’s. It makes me realise a few things. The first is that the Biblical truth of how all things pass away is indisputable. All things are fleeting in nature. While many things are blessings, it wouldn’t be wise to put our hope in them. The second is that there’s really no such thing as karma. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad. I don’t think any of the people I know who’ve suffered grievous losses lately or who’re dealing with terminal illnesses fall under the bad category. They’re paying a heavy price. I think some crooked politicians on the other hand, seem to have a pass. I do think that there will be justice when Jesus comes again. It sucks to have to wait, but I’m aware of some of the not so kosher thoughts that went through my mind when I was angry recently. I’m thankful that justice there wasn’t immediate. I wouldn’t have stood a chance! The third thing is that there is so much grace even in such painful and overwhelming times. Help comes in the form of people in our lives, or things working out a certain way. It follows that for us to recognise grace, we need to be in a place where we can receive it. There’s no need for grace when everything is hunky-dory. The final thing I’m making a note of, which by no means is the final word on takeaways, is that even in all my ups and downs, I am loved by Jesus. I feel it. Not just from the words I read in the Bible. There are many days when I go through the motions of reading without feeling a thing. There are moments when someone turns up and does or says something, which they don’t need to say or do. Yes, that does mean grace, and yes I mentioned it earlier, but it shows that there is love. If there is no love, there is no grace. 

So in these days that lead to the winding down of my role, and farewells that I’ll have to make, and as I ponder future plans, where my mind may at moments feel a shot of anxiety at what lies ahead, or where I am not my best because of all that’s happening, I’m going to reread what I have written here and remind myself of grace. Grace is never redundant. It reminds me of the love I have in Christ. I thank God for my friend who pointed me back to this through her actions and words, the friend who has been supporting me and helping me work things out, and all the others who have been reminding me of the assurances we have in a faithful God. 

I say the words penned by my favourite king David in Psalm 103:1: ‘Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!’

Papa and mummy, goodness, how much I miss you now.