Learning confidence

I’ve been talking to different friends over these months about how losing my dad has brought about so much change in my life. It feels as if this has happened just as I’ve started getting used to the change of losing my mum eighteen years ago! Change is hard. I find it hard, anyway. I recognise this. I get attached to people, my dogs, surroundings, and sometimes even things. This list isn’t an exhaustive one. As I reflect on the past, some of the most difficult parts of my life have been related to change. Change is hard.

Perhaps change is harder when things have been good. In this regard, I thank God. Things have indeed been good. The recognition of blessings that have been granted me, move me. I feel a sense of love from God in a way that I understand. God’s love came to us so perfectly in Jesus. God’s love is demonstrated so perfectly in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. Yet, I cannot fully fathom it. It is impossible – even when I try hard. I get some wee glimpses of its beauty. The beauty of perfection is impossible to describe, especially when I am in an imperfect state. I believe it with all my heart- to the extent that all my heart understands, but it is hard to understand this love. I think it is because of how much I lack in such understanding that God sends me blessings that I can fathom. My parents, my life with them, my life with my dad as just the two of us for a long time, our home, my doggies from Patches to Loki and now Gamora, my friends, etc., etc., etc. are all God’s blessings that I really get. Unlike Jesus, every other blessing is temporal in nature. That’s their nature- fleeting. Change is hard.

Change that is significant causes shifts in how we view ourselves. It is inevitable. I was always an only child, from a loving home. I had a mother who absolutely adored me and openly expressed it. I had a father who loved me and expressed it by standing by me through thick and thin. The kind of confidence that comes from being in such a home is hard to explain. It showed. I was loved at home. I knew that that love didn’t depend on a job title. I changed jobs at different points, doing what I needed when I needed to. I knew that love didn’t depend on me getting married and having kids. This has helped me make some really good decisions relationally. It helped me do what suited me. It’s easier to make such changes when it doesn’t change the value of who you are in the eyes of those who behold you. I was bullied when I was young. It was my parents who helped me overcome the trauma of the bullying. The security I speak of has helped me speak my mind. I’m able to say what I need to for myself. Advocating for myself has been important – it’s been a useful tool! I’ve been able to speak up and stand up for others. It has helped me be strong. There are so many areas in which this confidence has helped. It’s another area where the list is inexhaustible.

This confidence took a whack when my mum passed away. Suddenly I felt unsure in many things. However, my father helped me in that stead and I kept moving forward. My question at the end of our chats was usually a ‘Papa, how?’ I can’t do this now. My dad’s gone. His passing is a big blow. I’ve lost so much. I have to reconsider confidence. Change is hard!

My parents did always try to instil in me the knowledge that my true confidence should come from knowing Jesus. They taught me that my confidence in Christ came from how I responded to situations in life with God’s Word as my armour. They used this when they helped me deal with the bullying. They used this to help me through insecurities I had. They used this when I was worried about pursuing unconventional routes. I guess not having either of them here to remind me in the way they so effectively did, of how my confidence is and should be in Christ alone, is tough to take. Change is hard.

Whilst change is hard, it is inevitable. We cannot stop change from happening. Nothing is ever static- it is part of life. The situations we are in keep developing over time. We cannot stop this. It keeps happening for as long as our blood choruses within our veins. It is the way of life. Change is hard. Change is inevitable.

This is where I find myself. I’m trying to adjust to a very painful, significant, and most unwanted change. It’s a permanent change as long as I live and breathe. I’m not crumbling. I’m adjusting. For clarity’s sake, crying is not crumbling. I’m trying to figure out how to take the lesson of my confidence being in Christ and make it more real. I’m contemplating this. It’s necessary. My biggest supporters are no longer here to do this. They’ve given me the baton and I need to keep this walk going. Change is inevitable.

Surely as I put one foot before another, things will become clearer. I think somehow, that my walk towards change will be more in line with my arthritic self on a bad day. On some days, I may even need some assistance. Lately, I had to use a walker for some days. The inelegance of it all is humbling. It made me pack up the final pair of heels that I had, which were custom made by a designer, and give them away. They were gorgeous. I loved them. I can no longer use them. There is no more going back. My feet are changed by the swelling in my ankle joints. They will never fit into those heels again. It is a beauty gone. I hadn’t realised how symbolic the whole thing was until I parted with those heels! I’ve had to change my footwear. I’ve had to change how much I walk, as well as the frequency of walks to reach certain goals. I’ve had to change the supports that I use. The goal is to keep moving forward. Moving forward requires change.

Thankfully, and I feel a sense of relief as I say this, I believe that true change can only come from Christ. It is impossible otherwise. This was the lesson my parents kept trying to teach me. Even as I contemplate the topic of confidence in Christ and how it will play out in the days to come, I feel a sense of hope. My parents taught me well. Since 2018, my father had been trying to prepare me for his passing. He kept trying to tell me that I must be brave, and that the change was inevitable even if it would be hard. He wanted me to start listening more and trying to figure out how to lean on God more for this. I noticed the change in his answers to my ‘Papa, how?’ questions. He would ask me to seek wisdom on things, to not be hasty, but to pray. He would ask me what the Bible said on such and such a thing. This was the beginning of a new discipline, and I will need to keep working at it to cope with the changes in my life.

For now, I am confident of a few things. I haven’t got it all worked out. Of that, I’m confident! But, saying this, I am confident that through this process of grieving, I will adjust to the changes in my life with God in mind. I will be listening in more to friends who are fellow believers, to gain counsel on the path ahead. Reminders of God’s Word from any of them will be instructive and helpful. Discussions on how we work out grace in our lives, especially in challenging situations will be treasured even more. I see now that there is work to do. Change is hard. Change is inevitable. Oh but how Christ is constant. Of this, I am sure. So I will walk on knowing that He is a living God, and His Word will always instruct, rebuke, grow, or encourage me. In this, I am confident.