Photographs and time travel!

Today, my mother would’ve turned 84, had she been alive. Try as I might, I cannot imagine what it would’ve been like if she’d still been around. She was dealing with a progressive illness, and eighteen years ago when she died because of it, her body had already been ravaged quite severely. I have the same illness but not to the same degree, and even so, I can see progression in the space of a year, two, or five. What would eighteen years have been like for her with her illness, I cannot imagine. I dare not.

I spent the day clearing out old photo albums. I took some digital shots of photos, where possible. But for a lot, it was just impossible. Some photos were so old and faded. I’m in the process of destroying those, but I’ve already chucked four huge albums. I don’t know how many more I have to clear out- there’s quite a few.

It was nostalgia that I felt as I looked through some of the photos. Seeing my parents in shots of times gone past was bittersweet. I found myself fascinated by the both of their smiles. I remember things shared from photographs before my time, or from when I was very young. I remember some photos – exactly how it was at the time they were taken, even. It feels so unreal that my mother hasn’t been around for the last eighteen years, and that my dad passed away almost ten months ago. It is so hard to imagine the chunk of time that has gone by. It hurts to know I cannot turn back the clock at any point. All I have is to look forward to the future.

This June is going to be a tough one. I’ve been in tears for a lot of the day, though there have been some good chats in between. My dad’s birthday is coming up later this month. I was trying to figure out why I felt so restless. I think I know why. Initially, the restlessness was because there was no birthday to celebrate for mum. Now, this has extended to papa. It’s like a cancellation of something that is a part of my bones. It doesn’t feel right at all. I’m glad for all the times I got to celebrate them during their birthdays. I am sad, so sad, that I can’t do this anymore. This is an example of the new normal. It isn’t something I can replace or change. I remember my parents on their birthdays – it is all I can do.

There is no going back in time. No Avengers-styled time machine or Back to the Future chapters to live out. When I think about those movies, all I can say is that travelling back in time is exhausting. It comes across that way. It isn’t what we’re meant to do. Not even Captain America’s rousing speeches will make me change my mind there. I’m thankful for what has happened. I’m thankful for the parents I have. These days I give thanks to God for the blessing He bestowed me in the both of them. There are a lot of memories imprinted in my heart that are constantly being triggered by different things. As I embrace these memories and look upon what has happened, I am able to say that I feel grateful. Amidst the sadness I feel, I recognise a feeling of gratefulness to God for my parents and for what I have to look forward to.

Whilst looking back may bring me tears of pain mingled with joy, looking forward brings me a sense of gratitude and awe. I believe my future, and that of my parents, was secured by Jesus on the cross. It’s a big sense of relief because I know that He is faithful and true. It makes no sense unless you’re convicted of this truth. I am convicted. Both my mum and dad are secure with Him, as am I.

I recently went on a retreat with my colleagues, and one of the sessions involved us tracing God’s hand in our work lives as we looked back on our previous jobs to our present roles. I thought this was a good exercise and it must have been in my subconscious as I looked at the old photographs today. I could see how the Lord has been gracious to the three of us, especially. I remembered so many things in these photos- words said, things done, blessings even when things felt terrible. It’s making me realise that I do not need to travel back in time. I have a God who is in control of all things, and who is trustworthy. So I want to surrender these feelings and emotions from this season of grief, as well as the season itself, to Him.

Papa and mummy- I miss you so much because I cannot celebrate your birthdays. It’s a big part of my life that is missing. But I will trust in God as you taught me to. We will meet again. Here’s to looking forward in faith. Love you!