Reflections of home from Lombok

I’m writing this from Lombok. It’s the first day of Chinese New Year, a long weekend in Malaysia and some quiet time away for me. I wish I could fully describe the blue of the sea – the different shades of blue with hints of green, the whiteness and blackness of the sand with bunches of seaweed strewn all over the place, and glorious blue sky dotted with soft white clouds. It’s beautiful. So beautiful.

The beauty of Lombok is making me miss home. I wish I could bundle little Gamora up and bring her along with me at times like this. Gosh, she’d love it here. There are some friendly beach dogs too. One decided to walk with me both times I went for walks yesterday. He was sweet and I could just picture Gamora going into play mode with her wiggly bum in the air, while head bowed low. It’s hard to leave home because of Gamora.

It’s also hard to leave home because I no longer have my dad to call home to. I missed him so much prior to coming here. I could just hear his voice asking me if I’d packed alongside a whole set of questions about prep for the trip. I’ve shared before that it is difficult when I cannot call home. I feel that keenly this time too. He’d have loved to have heard about the walks and how it all felt.

I’ve to say that I’m very grateful for the friends who have been in communication with me even while I’m here in Lombok. Chatting to them makes me feel like I’m sharing this time with people who are dear to me and who care. It’s a new dimension of grace that I’m seeing – so much care coming in from quarters that were already caring but are now showing me more than I ever imagined, or from those that I never knew cared so much – and are making me want to return the act for them. It is all blessing. I am grateful.

I’m writing this because I’m contemplating the new definition of home for me. I miss home and I have it in mind that it’s Chinese New Year and many friends of mine will be gathering together with their families. It adds to my thoughts about home. As a Christian, I believe that my ultimate home will be when Christ comes again or takes me back to Him. It’s something I look forward to for several reasons- it will be the chance to see Jesus in person (I have many versions in my head of how this will be). Another reason is the reunion with my parents. Maybe a year or two after my mum passed away, I had this dream of her, my dad and me together. It was special and I now think back more on that dream- I think a reunion with them would be glorious. It will also be a reunion with friends and in many ways, I hope with my dogs. And if I’m allowed a bit of cheekiness, I’m dying to finally meet King David. Jesus will be my new home. It will be perfect- I cannot imagine it. No tears. No pain.

That home is still on a distant horizon for I don’t know when I’ll get to it. I have to contend with home here. My earthly home as I know it is forever altered. Not only is there a loss of my parents, there is a new reality too. Some of the ones I thought would be there, aren’t. Some just don’t have the capacity – and I get this: we are different and have different needs, life happens and people go through so much. I think they have a lot to deal with. It doesn’t change the outcome for me, they’re not there. Then, there are some who are just nothing short of blessings.

My best friend is an example. There she is in the north west of England, and here I am in Asia. We have distance and a time difference of about 6-7 hours (depending on the clocks in the UK). Not easy factors to reconcile. Yet, day after day, she manages to make me feel at home. I cannot thank her enough. It’s mind blowing. She’s a blessing. She and her family have taken me in. It’s hard to explain and I don’t mean to say no one else matters – coz everyone does. For sure. But there’s something about the way she’s meeting me where I’m at that’s very helpful. It’s a real godsend. Another example would be my girlfriends here in Malaysia. I love how they come by and spend time with me. We have so much to talk about that’s deep, silly and just so dear to me. Some who are from far message me – rather aptly with different things. I mentioned the lack of shade here in Lombok and how I missed my dad to a dear friend who responded that she wished she could convert her umbrella into a parasol and told me of how she considered her late mum’s pride at her travels. It was just what I needed to hear! There are a some of my brothers in Christ who’re the same. They are so kind. I cannot tell you how spoilt I am to be cared for so much. I’m dealing with a broken heart and all these folks are the balm I need.

And this brings me back to God. Ultimately, He’s the one who’s sending me all these lovely people. He’s the one who’s causing the outpouring of love I’m receiving. I think it’s because ultimately, He’s the one who really understands me. I’ve been feeling very alone. Without my mother, life had become extremely quiet. To lose my dad has meant that I need to get used to a certain silence that I’m not used to. I’ve felt alone. I’ve also found that it’s not always easy to be understood. I’ve found that only a few have the ability to understand and respond to me in a way that is meaningful (and I hope I can do the same). This is why I am so convinced they are blessings put in my life by Jesus. In Proverbs 8, we hear about lady Wisdom who makes astounding claims of having been there with God when the world was created, and when we were made. There are many similarities between lady Wisdom and Jesus. They call after us, they make a case for why we should receive them, but neither force themselves upon us. The reading of Proverbs 8 made me see that God in all His Wisdom made me a certain way. He knew how it would be and He knew just what I would need. He understands me so well that He sends me blessings that are so precious and helpful to me in the form of the people I’ve mentioned. I think too even of how little Gamora came into my life. Every step was ordained. She and all these people I’m talking about are a balm. This is blessing and I want to acknowledge it. I want to thank God and praise His Name for being so wise and for knowing just what this brokenhearted girl needs. I am at a loss to describe how loved I feel even in the depths of my despair.