The dread of Christmas

Now that December is here, everything around us will go into a Christmas mode. There are some who may have already put up their decorations and may be well into shopping and whatever prep there is for the season. For others, this is probably the signal to start planning. Some others may still sit on their laurels and contribute to the later rush of things. What’s Christmas shopping and prep without a bit of stress? For some, it’s time to don their Grinch impersonations and turn a nose at Christmas. For yet some others, this is an incredibly painful and difficult season.

I’ve always loved Christmas. As a Christian, I’m grateful for the birth of the Christ child, which marks the hope given to mankind for reconciliation with God. The price of reconciliation is heavy and we see that over Good Friday and Easter. Perhaps it’s easier to fall in love with Christmas because it is the arrival of a baby. The story of the nativity, where a young couple gets turned away from every inn, even when the lady is heavily pregnant, tugs at heartstrings. The context of the pregnancy- the way she was found with child prior to marriage, total submission to the will of God, and the man standing by her in obedience to God’s will adds to the feeling of concern for the couple, and a desire for them to catch a break. The story is reproduced year after year – whether by believers or nonbelievers. Whatever twists and turns they may add to the scene, the stage is set and the story is moving. Saying this, I also love the fanfare at Christmas. The secular celebrations that make everything look so beautiful. The period where people come together and meet over food and drink. I love it. I’m guilty of planning for my Christmas parties very far ahead. There’s a place for these celebrations too, that steer clear from a messy barn where the Christ child is eventually born.

This year, though, I’m dreading Christmas. It feels too soon after my dad’s passing. It took us a long time to really get into a rhythm of celebrations after losing my mum. Suddenly there were two from what was already a small family of three. Now, it’s just me. My dad’s quiet and reserve meant he was happy with a quiet day, where we went to church and perhaps came back for a meal. I liked the fanfare and he totally went along with it for my sake. This year, everything has changed. I can’t handle the thought of getting some mince pies coz he’s not around now to share in the treat. We’d bring them out quite late in the evening, while we were chilling, and discuss some Christmas plans over this. I’ve no idea why we needed to talk so much about what time church started, what time would be best to leave home, etc. I feel like there’s a full stop to my way of celebrations.

Thankfully, how I feel right now doesn’t dissipate the real meaning of Christmas. Rather, it gives me a moment of gratitude because of the hope that I have in Christ, that my dad like my mum who went before, shared. It’s perhaps too soon just yet for me to say I feel like rejoicing as a result of that hope- though I am grateful for it. I am very grateful. I find myself in tears when I am reminded of the glorious resurrection that awaits believers and the reunion I’ll have with my mum and dad. I look forward to that. But now – I’m here, without them. This is hard to bear.

This is why this year, I’m dreading Christmas. I don’t feel like buying presents and I certainly don’t want to receive any. I can’t bear to think of carollers, games, parties, or outfits. I cannot imagine being away from home as we usually host family or friends. Equally, I cannot imagine being at home, without my dad. I know I spend some time at Christmas every year pining for my mum. Now my list of who I pine for has grown. I don’t even want to send Christmas greetings, and I certainly don’t think I’ll know what to do when I receive them. It’s going to be terrible because my home is shattered, even if I trust in Jesus.

I’m not the only one who’s facing loss. There’s all sorts of loss: loss of employment, loss of relationships for reasons such as bereavement, divorce, toxicity, etc., loss of health – whether it is long or short term or whether it even recoverable, financial loss, etc. I’m sure during seasons of celebration, these losses are highlighted and the sadness feels overwhelming. I’m convinced of the truth of Christmas- God came down to be with us and to save us. As I mourn the loss of Christmas at home, I know that I will one day rejoice in a home I cannot even begin to fathom. I’m not despairing, as much as I dread the Christmas season. Perhaps that is what the hope of the Christ child is – not to despair in the face of dread, for the reality of the world is such – there’s beauty in many aspects of life, but there’s also an exceedingly large, complex amount of grief. I’m not sure how else to go about these days as I hold the truths of life, forgiveness, and unwarranted grace alongside heartbreak, tears, and dread. I am very grateful that there’s not just the later to deal with – and for that, I guess I can look at the real reason for Christmas with hope for the future.

For some reason, I’ve been pondering on a passage from Joshua 5: 13-15. Joshua encounters Jesus (the Angel of the Lord) in impressive fashion- a far cry from the baby in the manger. This encounter happens as Joshua looks upon the city of Jericho as an old man, perhaps remembering how in his youth, he’d been sent in as a spy (Numbers 13). Jericho remained a fortified city, large, and intimidating. It was fear that set the rest of the spies against entering Jericho, their pathway into the promised land (Numbers 14). The sin of the Israelites then was to be so fearful that they wouldn’t proceed into Jericho – not even when God was with them. As a result, no one from that generation, save Joshua and Caleb, were allowed back in later. So as an old man with experience, Joshua now stands before Jericho once again. He meets Jesus (the Angel of the Lord- Joshua 5: 13-15). In typical human fashion, and in true Hollywood style, the question Joshua asks is ‘are you for us or against us?’ ‘Neither’ comes the reply. ‘I’m the commander of the army of the Lord and I am here.’ I can almost picture this entire scene in my head. It is gripping to say the least. The choice is now Joshua’s. How does he respond? He falls down in worship and says ‘command me.’ This speaks to me. I know the promised land is secure – my future inheritance, which is totally undeserved and awarded me by grace is secure. However, I must go through this life to get there. I no longer have my supports of my mum and dad. I can imagine how much Joshua would’ve loved to have Moses by his side again. I have experience too, through this encounter Joshua had with Jericho. Everything feels intimidating and scary. I feel like fleeing. However, because of Christmas, I have Jesus with me (Emmanuel). I have him not as a snuggly baby, but as the commander of the armies of the Lord. Whilst I feel a sense of dread over Christmas and what lies ahead, in my heart, I feel the only way for me is to say ‘command me.’

Papa, your leaving me has really brought a new age for me. I don’t have you or mummy here. It’s painful. Thank you both for teaching me about Jesus. I too will say ‘command me.’ Love you both.