Praying my tears

Today is exactly two months since my dad passed on. I’ve at points felt time zipping past as so many other things come flying in my direction. I’ve also felt time stand still- almost like I’m stuck in the 23rd of August 2023. Neither feeling suits. Neither feels right.

Things are not right. Not in the least. Not for me, anyway. Another significant part of me feels dead – and despite the way I’ve tried to thrust myself into getting back on the saddle by continuing with plans and really trying to be a part of things, I cannot stop the way I’m being dragged down so low. There have been some good things too: good news from friends about their situations. I’m wishing I could be as happy as I know I could for them, but I’m failing to hit that high. There have been some good things for me too. Maybe my usual reactions to these are by far muted. It cannot be helped.

A friend came by today. It was good to have her here. We’re both grieving – and maybe that is why her company really helps. Another friend messaged me today and she said some very real words. She said she wished she had the words to comfort me, but that the reality was she didn’t. I appreciated her honesty on this – no fluffing about. My cousins have been in communication too, as well as some other friends from near and far. I wish I could tell them how much their messages mean to me, at this time when my heart is breaking. I feel like I’m walking around with a cloud over my head, and these souls are like temporary respites from the storm. Yet – it’s not fair to keep telling them my sorrows. Life is hard even on a good day. They’ve got stuff to deal with too.

Everything has changed. Now that my dad’s gone, it feels like maybe there’s another wave of things that will happen. A lot of it are things that I don’t want to deal with. I thank God at how neatly my dad left his affairs. It’s one things less for me to deal with. Yet – there are many other things that I cannot control: work goes on, friends react in ways that are unimaginable, the speed of things happening all around me is crazy – I cannot cope. The list is endless. Saying that, if I’m honest, I’m finding it hard to stay still too. Perhaps it means looking at the situation I’m in.

I know that I’ve probably watched too many movies in the last few weeks. I want nothing complicated: just some good guys, bad guys and not a lot of words. I don’t want anything sad and I certainly am not finding too many things comical right now. I’m giving myself a pass at the Netflix binging right now because I need the reprieve. I want everything to just stop for awhile. But even when they do, it’s only for so long. I want things to stop for a long time.

Nothing will stop. Not in the way I need it to. That is the reality. The release I have is that my prayers need not be sanitised. It may have been something I struggled with in the past. Don’t think I’m struggling too much there now. It is such a blessing to have God to whom I can howl and cry out to. It’s almost as if time stops for me as I do this. That has been so helpful. I’ve not had to worry about what I say to Him. He will show me the way – there is no doubt there. It’s taken such a significant loss for me to get to this point of unfiltered prayers. Jesus can take it in a way that no one else can: there is no offence or imagined hurt, there is no pontification, there is nothing that makes me feel like I need to leave the space. It is where I need to be, ugly as it is. For this, I’m grateful. Perhaps it’s precisely because we as humans need to keep moving, that makes it impossible for us to really meet needs of those who grieve or go through dark times. I think I would struggle to support someone feeling this way. The sheer discomfort of having to remain in that space is hard. In this space of unfiltered prayer, I can stop. I can sob. I can voice fears and dread. I can say nothing when there’s just emotions from within coming out with no words attached. I’m not feeling better just yet, but perhaps that is not the immediate goal of this space of honest prayer. Perhaps it is doing what I need as I stop and take my tears to God in prayer.