It’s now one month since my dad passed on. Any illusions that I held of being immune to a broken heart after my mum’s passing has been obliterated. I never thought this heartbreak could happen again. I never imagined it possible.
This month has gone by at snail’s and lightening pace simultaneously. My head’s in a constant whirlwind- and my heart feels trapped in the morning of 23 August 2023. Since papa, there have been several other losses in our family- two cousins and an uncle. I cannot forget that another uncle passed away in March this year. My entire family has been impacted by such massive loss. We’re grieving. Each grief is different – the circumstances and consequences of the passing are different. Coping mechanisms are different. Characters involved are different. What is the same is that we’re all grieving. It’s not pretty.
In this past month, I’ve felt a deep sense of shock. It’s almost as if I believed that my dad was always going to be around. We’ve had some scrapes but God pulled him through every single time. I forgot that it was up to God to take him back. My dad kept trying to remind me of this. He talked about it a lot in the last 2-3 years. I could see his concern for me. He must’ve known how hard it would hit. When I look back at how things unfolded, I shudder because God’s Hand was clearly over it. Hindsight is perfect vision. I bought my dad a new smart TV a year before his 90th birthday as an early 90th present. The compulsion to do so was so strong- and I did it. It must’ve been God moving me to act. Papa had a good laugh over it, but he enjoyed that TV! Christmas last year was a fabulous celebration. I even cooked dinner for the family who came. Because of my RA, I worked out a schedule which included rest so that I could make our Christmas celebrations special. Papa was so happy – he had a great time. I remember telling some concerned friends who worried I was doing too much that I’d wanted to do it coz of my dad. Subconsciously- I knew we may not have many more Christmasses together. I wanted it to count. I’m glad we celebrated his 90th. I’m glad he had the exact sort of party he wanted at home. I’m glad family and friends near and far came by for him. He was very keen I celebrate my 50th and boy did he enjoy himself then. He was tired – but he’d had a good time. I cannot help but see how all these things and there are many more that I’ve not stated, came together for my dad. We even watched some old movies together. Until I was 15, my preferred film companion was my dad. He however, felt that it was important I started going for films with friends. So it was really good over the last six or so months of his life that we watched some older movies together. It was easier for him to follow with deteriorating hearing. I really enjoyed the time. Even as I share this, I feel a chill in my heart. God let us come full circle.
In August, some friends who migrated to Canada came back to Malaysia after six years. They visited us and it was very lovely. After they left, my dad and I talked about how lovely it’d been. He then brought up how worried he was that I’d not acted on migration desires for myself. He was quite thoughtful when I said that I’d have regretted living apart from mum or him. He patted my hand when I said I’d no regrets. I definitely am glad that I stayed put at home. There are no regrets there. As I reflect, I can see how much God gave me this time that I needed with my dad.
It’s been hard to think of how I feel as I consider all the other losses we’ve just had. My family has endured a lot. What a season. We’ re all having to make adjustments. Life has profoundly changed for us. There’s a hollowness in our homes, a vulnerability in our hearts, and these will never go. We’ll just get used to living with them. Of this, I’m certain, for I consider how it feels with my mum. I can function perfectly well and even have a good time, until I stop for a moment to heed the pang in my heart. That pang has gone on for over 17 years. It now feels like my entire heart has been ripped apart again. I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole.
My RA is flaring like crazy. I’m in so much pain, but….and there is a but…there’s a long list of things that I must do. My goodness- how organised my dad was! Everything’s in place. Little tokens of love left behind – money for something he wanted me to do left neatly in a drawer, documents he kept telling me about all arranged neatly in that drawer. No unnecessary clutter. Everything is crisp and clean. I see again how God guided papa here. It’s helpful to me. There’s no doubt of intent. Only clear vision and thoughtfulness. There’s that pang in my heart again. I’m in pain, but it’s all been organised so that I have the barest minimum to do.
My mind can’t cope with a lot of chatter and noise right now. I’m not interested in random chats at the moment. I cannot cope with random. I’m not interested in what people think I should do and how quickly they may want me to act. Yes, there are some deadlines that I must meet, and I will comply with those. Everything else will happen as I’m ready, and I’m trusting God with this. He will lead. He blessed me so well with a dad and mum who loved me like a miracle child. My heart hurts, but I want to also remember my family and friends who are grieving for their own losses. I want to stand in solidarity with them. I pray for this strength- to share with them the peace granted to me by grace. I don’t want to take on other emotionally draining things right now. I’m in mourning. It’s a month- yes. The world around me is spinning – life goes on. I’m in mourning and I want to honour this time of grief. I know that this is a period when God will draw me in even closer to Him. I so desire this. I want all else to stop for awhile. So I apologise now if I’m not meeting schedules or expectations. I’m on the second leg of my journey in grief. Jesus said in John 14:1: “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” This is precisely what I will meditate on as I journey on the road of grief. It will be my work to figure out what the verse will look like if I live it out.
Papa, your presence is so deeply missed. I’m in tears almost all the time. Even when I went away, I wanted to cry because I didn’t have you to call or check in with. I’m going to take this time to process missing you, and the new dynamic now presenting itself without either you or mum. I hope I do you both proud. I love and miss the both of you.
Grace for the soul 
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