The Journey to Gamora

Gamora is slightly over three months old. Her mama is a dachshund while her papa a pug. She was born on 6 December 2022. She came to live with us on 13 March and as I write this, has only been with us for a couple of days. She seems to have settled in well. One of the clearest bits of evidence for this is how she’s able to sleep with her legs all stuck up in the air. She does know how to strike a pose, this one!

I first met Gamora when I went to visit her brother. Someone reached out to me about taking on a pup. Up to now, I’d never had a female dog and I wasn’t quite sure if I knew enough to care for one. Mostly, I wasn’t sure if I could after lose Loki. It’s been very painful. When I finally agreed to meet the pups, I only considered Gamora’s brother. Gamora coming home with me almost didn’t happen!

I went through a whole roller coaster of emotions when thinking about whether to get another pup. I feel the loss of Loki every day. There’s so much of Loki in my life. A friend gave me a painting of Loki, and I’ve put it on my table. It really looks like he’s peering at me in the same way he would’ve done when trying to get may attention. It’s such a gorgeous painting! I still feel tears welling up when I go to the park where Loki and I used to walk together. It’s where I still walk but it’s been tough. Not having him next to me at the end of leash, trotting along in merry fashion, is hard. He loved that park. I loved going there with him. There’s still a lot of sadness when I think of Loki. Often, I wonder if there could’ve been some other way.

I especially appreciated the counsel of four friends. One is such a long-time friend from my time in university. She’s got a grand-fur kid! Such privilege, it feels. A couple of others have now moved away. One has a pooch who helped train my beloved Patches and who’s a grand old man now, while the other has a young pup who does crazy zoomies in the snow. Yet another was a former colleague who’s taken on a couple of pups after suffering the loss of a couple of fur kids. He’s being reminded of how these little creatures rule our worlds. Their words, for which I am so incredibly grateful, were measured and compassionate. They alleviated any pressure and guilt that I felt. It was fine either way – whether I took another pup or not. Armed with this, I went, and it was then when I first met Gamora, though it was her brother that I paid attention to.

The first time I met Gamora, she was the most eager to be fed. She was also extremely friendly and jolly. I hadn’t considered her at the time, only her brother. It was obvious that the pups were healthy and jolly. The pups interacted well with their parents and each other. It was such a sweet picture. I found myself thinking of Loki – comparing his horrific start to life to this happy family. It was hard not to. I said I’d think about it, and then in a couple of days decided not to go ahead. I was so worried that I’d not be able to properly love a new fur kid. All of this was followed by a series of events that made me feel like I was on a roller coaster ride. My dad had a nasty fall but was miraculously unhurt. Then, an uncle passed away. It feels so sad to see my aunt and cousins go through this loss. In connection with that, we also made a visit to my mum’s grave. I’d not been there since 2010/11. I find it hard to go. It was hard being there. Waves of emotions that I’ve not felt in a while made themselves present. It was hard. I state only the gist of it all. It really felt like I was going through the wringer, and I felt like I needed the therapy these fur kids bring.

It was strange how I then decided to get another pup. I was walking in the park and met with a former neighbour. She started telling me about their new golden retriever, young still and I felt her joy of looking after a young one. We talked for a good hour as we walked. I then started work, kept thinking of the conversation and as I prepared to drive out for a meeting, I checked to see if Gamora’s brother was still available. Some people had paid a booking fee for Gamora’s brother, but I was told they’d be okay to take Gamora if I had my heart set on the brother. Something told me to go with an open mind. When I went, Gamora refused to let her brother come anywhere near me! She’d be the first to get some treats from me. She was the first to come running up to me and she readily stayed in my arms for ages. She got me!

It was quite late when I got Gamora, and I was worried that the first night would be disastrous. I was also worried that she’d be depressed from being removed from her happy family. I was worried for nothing. The first night, she cuddled up to me, refusing to let go of my arm. She slept soundly right through to the morning. She settles fine when I’m nearby and she’s so very playful. I feel twinges of pain when I compare this to Loki’s early days. How he suffered with his injury. He couldn’t run about or be curious unlike little Gamora. There is sadness there. Yet it’s impossible not to laugh out loud watching Gamora’s antics. She chased a bird today and was puzzled how it managed to get so high. She tried to eat a flower, which I had to take out of her mouth. She playfully charges and dashes about and is quite the explorer. It’s funny how she tugs at everything, rolls about, and turns up for belly rubs. She’s showing a liking for carrots and apples, which is great as she is teething. I must say she infinitely prefers my fingers to any other treat! She’s got great bursts of energy and then crashes like there’s not a care in the world. Just so lovely to see.

In all of this, I see God’s Hand. Loki was a bittersweet blessing. The pain of losing him will take awhile to heal. Yet, Loki came to me at a point when I was struggling with my illness. With his handicap, we kept pace with each other! I was never too slow for him nor was he too quick for me. His ability to cope with his limitations and his tenacity taught me many things. It was easy to see God’s grace in Loki’s life and he helped me see God’s grace in mine when I was prone to forget. Similarly, it was not difficult to see Loki smile and enjoy life despite his severe PTSD. It helped me to appreciate things so much more. Now, with Gamora, it feels like a whole new chapter. This little one followed me so bravely into the world, leaving behind all she knew. She trusted and is continuing to build trust with me. I haven’t been able to shake this perception of Gamora. It points me in the direction I need to be with God. Trusting. Following. And I must continue to work on building trust. It’s a two-way thing. I must be willing. There needs to be an openness. This little pup is showing me that. God’s given me so much more than I can ever give little Gamora. So, as I watch this little pup grow and as I learn to trust her and have her trust me, I will keep remembering our God who’s already given me so much that I can trust in Him. I will follow.

It is lovely having Gamora in our home. She’s endearing herself to us through her many tools! As difficult as it was to get to this moment of having Gamora here as mine, I am very thankful to God for the conversations, reflections, and prayers that have gone on to lead me to her. What a journey it has been, and it is only the beginning.