Dearest Loki…

Dearest Loki,

Gosh, how I miss you, my sweet, sweet Loki. How much I think of you. How much I cry. It all feels surreal. Almost like our home’s not adjusted to the silence.

Now, there’s another little fella who needs a home. He’s not quite as young as you were when you came to me. He’ll be three months old on 6 March. Right off the bat, when I watch videos of him, my heart grieves for you- he was safe when he came into the world. He’s still with his parents but now all his siblings have found homes. He’s a baby, but he doesn’t have the same fragility you had- being attacked, clinging on for dear life, struggling with pain and really just making it from day to day. That start was your ultimate undoing. The world was too cruel for you, my sweet Loki.

And what you gave me! You gave me parental duties – not something I thought I’d ever have. Feeds around the clock, calming you down when nightmares took hold, doing everything possible to make you okay. Then losing you. I don’t know what to do. Should I give this little fella home? Should I memorialise our home for you? Oh sweet love, I’m so unsure. Some amazing voices have been speaking into this – recognising that either way, it is okay. I never thought I would be here now, needing to make such a decision. I had such dreams of us growing old together – you were going to be there.

I don’t know what I’ll do. But I know this: I think it’s always going to hurt when I think of you. Your leaving was untimely and cruel. I’m always going to be amazed when I think of you. Your tenacity to hold on and come through such a horrific start will never cease to amaze me. I’m always going to feel guilty when I think of you. I wish I could’ve saved you. I’m always going to be so grateful to God for you. What a beautiful blessing you were to me. You brought so much joy and laughter into our home. You made me feel many things that I never thought I would feel. I’m always going to be in a whirlwind when I think of you. The landslide of emotions almost like your face licks don’t cease. I’m always going to hold a space for you in my heart. Always.

I don’t know what I will do about this little one. But I wanted to tell you what was in my heart.

I love you loads.

Always yours,
Anita
26 February 2023
5:23pm