Christmas and the roller coaster ride.

Christmas is just around the corner. Again. How quickly and effortlessly time passes on by. We’re in the final month of 2022 and it’s on full throttle. This season, the holidays, and festive cheer will all come to an end rather soon from the looks of it. We’re on a roller coaster ride, it feels. Anyone with a crushed or pained spirit will probably find the speed of the roller coaster too much to bear.

As I write this, I think of friends and family who have suffered loss very recently. The loss of a father, mother, spouse, sibling, close family member or friend, can make the roller coaster ride unbearable. I’m also thinking of those who are dealing with different kinds of loss- from relationships ending, which is really like a bereavement too. Some are enduring job or financial losses that are hard to recover from. These are just a few examples. I would include myself yet again in the loss category this year- I’ve lost my precious Loki.

Ask anyone with any kind of grief. Christmas is hard. Unless of course, you do what is popular in this day and age and ‘forget about it’ or ‘don’t think about it.’

I remember when my mum died in 2006. As I write, that’s sixteen years ago. Talk about time zipping past. I wept the days leading up to Christmas. I wept on Christmas Day. I wept and wept. But everything still kept rolling on. I remember wearing a saree that year to keep the conversation away from “how are you?” to an “ooh you look great!” I succeeded there. Truly, the tactic worked. All my weeping was in private. The people who hosted me were kind but no one mentioned my mum, nor did they give me the space to mention her. I forced myself to smile even though my heart was breaking and I think it was then that I formed a massive dislike for the song ‘Smile’ that tells you to smile when your heart is breaking. Yeah, right! Cheese! Everything that I did to participate in Christmas that year, from saying a prayer in church all the way to attending Christmas parties felt like I was only feeding the roller coaster with the energy it needed to keep going. It did not stop.

What’s happened this Christmas? Well before Loki died, I agreed to host certain dos. I’m a planner and I try to get things scheduled as early as I can. This time, I was fully aware that my rheumatoid arthritis is not just something that I can say ‘down boy’ to and go on my merry way. It’s untamed. So I used my planning abilities to write up detailed plans of when I would do what. I must say that I am quite proud of myself- it’s gone to plan. Except that I never planned on Loki dying and a whole new set of emotions on grief coming into play.

I don’t blame God for the timing of it all. I am sad when I watch other pups and doggies on those glorious reels they post on social media. I recognise the sweet things that Loki used to do in many of these. He was undeniably sweet. So full of love. I feel sad for Loki because it feels like his young life was pit against challenges that even a vigilant mama couldn’t fix. I was vigilant. I don’t blame God for this because I believe that the world is broken, and I believe in Christ, there is a permanent fix coming.

What’s different for me this Christmas as I consider my mum, and my most recent loss of Loki? I think it’s that I’ve learnt to step off the roller coaster at points. I don’t mean that I can stop things from happening. I can’t. I’m going through with all the hosting that I agreed to do and am sticking with the plan as it were. But, I’ve made some modifications to the plan. I’m giving myself the space to grieve. This has been so helpful. It is sheer grace that a friend who created the Loki list, which is a prayer list for our fur kids, has been so diligent in asking me how I am. She shares in the grief I face for Loki. She has endured loss too, many times over of loved ones from the human and fur baby categories. They feel like one category to some of us. I am grateful for another friend who isn’t crazy about fur kids. She has been so generous with the time she’s given me to talk about Loki. One more has been praying for me, as I hand over Loki’s stuff to her young dog. She’s going through masses of grief herself, as she copes with significant loss. There are many others. Some are far away and yet feel so near as we talk about Loki through messages or calls. Some who come by, tell me they miss his presence in our home. Some have got me presents that acknowledge Loki. Quite a few of them give me that space and so there are more of these sorts of conversations that are needed at this time.

So, it’s not that the roller coaster ride has stopped. I’ve not figured out how to stop it. I don’t even know where the keys are kept that I may attempt to steal them! No. The roller coaster keeps going on. It’s just that I’ve got some amazing people along with me on the ride. They aren’t afraid to speak of sad things even in a season full of festivities. To me, this is really what relationships should be. Honest. Not ignoring the bad. Full of compassion. Present. With these, it feels that I am stepping off the roller coaster. It truly does.

For this epiphany, I thank Jesus, the one who is always there and who’s willing to do the overtime. As expressive and talkative as I am, he never says ‘enough’ and that is mind-blowing. He has sent me all these amazing people who help me through this. Over and above this, He is always, always there on the ride. He is the most amazing roller coaster companion. He is on the ride in a way that no other person can be. As such, there are moments, when I can’t articulate my feelings but He knows. He gets it. What blessing and grace, over and above the blessing we received that first Christmas. I am grateful.

My warmest Christmas greetings to all of you. My hope and prayer is that each heart truly finds Jesus on this roller coaster ride called life.