The Latch

I love connecting with people. This has always been the case for me. It excites me, lifts up my spirits and sets me up perfectly. I do love connecting with people. I love connecting and therefore I’m an extrovert or I am an extrovert and therefore I love connecting. This isn’t something I ponder on very much! Instead, I do reflect on the quality of relationships that I let come into my life. 

When I was younger, I constantly let people in without any kind of filter. If they had a kind word, a smile and were friendly, I deemed them trustworthy. It has taken many lessons along the way to make me more acceptable to the idea of toxic people. Toxic people love latching on and when I was younger, I mistook this to mean they wanted my friendship. Foolish, foolish child! 

I guess the lessons on toxicity never stopped, even later on in life. It seems to be an area where I need to really be more hands on and show more prowess. Even as an adult, I’ve found it hard to deal with toxicity. I’ve let people say and do inappropriate things to me. I remember being asked to be a bridesmaid once. The bride in question, when asked who her bridesmaid was, pointed to me and announced to a group of friends very loudly, “she’s already a maid, she can be my bridesmaid.” I felt my cheeks go hot and embarrassment rose within me. I didn’t protest. She hadn’t even asked me privately. Nothing. It was an appointment. I accepted the position with as much grace as I could muster. I’m gobsmacked at how I was so accepting. I should’ve refused! It shocks me too, when I remember how a friend commented that I looked good. I thanked her for the compliment, only to hear her say “See what you can do with a little effort, imagine if you put in more!” Again, it was pretty much a deer in the headlights sort of response from me.There have been so many comments. I know not whether to laugh or cry. The impropriety of the comments served to stun more than anything and often, I was bewildered. 

I think there has been improvement in recent times. Finally, the lessons seem to be sinking in and the patterns of behaviour seem to be clearer. Red flags now pop up and I’m starting to pay attention. “I can tell you very honestly, there’s not a single soul in the city of KL that deserves any help.” This was a comment that came my way, after a barrage of complaints against the behaviour of people in the city. This person forgot that they themselves came from KL! Additionally, it is always hard to see what the people complained about have done wrong. One person complained about, refused to accept a lower deposit for the sale of a house, than the stipulated 10%. Why were they a ‘vulture’ for sticking to the protections afforded to them as the seller? “Churches don’t help. They are so good at preaching, but never give you the help that you need.” This was a complaint that came up when there were no other available counselling services in churches except for those within their congregations. “Our families have cut us off. They are selfish.” My oldest friends don’t want to have anything to do with me. All selfish, arrogant people. Such fakes.” I had my head chewed off for (something that was completely not their fault).” Nothing is ever their fault. They are never wrong! Point something out to them, and you are blocked on all social media and cast into what they must think is the abyss. 

Having just extricated myself from one such latch, I am pondering on what I could’ve done better to have shortened even this episode. It is quite hard to figure this one out. One the one hand, I am told to love others just how God loves me. This is hard. Jesus died for me! On the other hand, my own limits and the necessity to maintain my sanity pull on me. It is hard. When do I turn the other cheek? When do I forgive and forgive and forgive again? 

This is the big struggle I face. I do think that the cross where Jesus hung from is the answer. It shows me that my limits are indeed real. There is only so much I can do to show love. I am not in the position to die for someone else. I cannot lay down my life and pick it up again. It isn’t within my purview. It is why I need Jesus. He did all this on my behalf. It also tells me that all the toxic individuals I have met with are in dire need of Jesus. Some speak of having faith in Him, but it cannot be that they understand His love for them. If they did, then they would be latching on to Him, instead of to me or to anyone else. Jesus can go where I can’t. 

I strongly believe too, that there is a need for these toxic individuals to experience grace, especially in relationships. They need to recognise that grace protects, grows, corrects, humbles, overwhelms, etc and that it is so readily found amongst the imperfect souls that come into their lives. Each one is there in our lives for a purpose. 

As I consider the last latch that I have been freed from, I think that there has been some growth in me in not letting this go on, and in speaking up against some of the toxic comments that came my way. It was confrontation that I much rather have avoided and I can only pray that I acted with as much grace possible in those circumstances. I hope that these latches find their way to Christ. Latching on to Him is good for them. He is big and strong enough for that.