Reflecting on some lessons from abuse

This year, 2020, will probably be remembered for the Coronavirus and how it’s impacted the world. I’m quite sure that I won’t forget COVID, but there have been a few conversations that took place this year, which I think I will never ever forget either. These conversations related to how we as a community in Christ, should respond or how we could respond better to abuse that comes to our knowledge.

I must say that I am always happy to have such conversations. It is a way to learn through the exchange of ideas and things we have read and experienced. Having said that, I must say too, that some of the ideas and opinions expressed have shocked and left me a little disheartened. These conversations have left me keenly aware of the need for more awareness for all of us on the dos and don’ts.

Most of the instances of abuse that we talked about were that of men against women in the context of marriage or romantic relationships. I don’t dispute that there are men who are abused by women. I think that statistically speaking there are more instances of violence against women and so there are more conversations surrounding this. I hope though that male victims get the support and help they need- as much as I hope for women who are abused, to receive the necessary support.

One of the biggest points of contention was believing domestic abuse happens within our church communities. It is a hard one to stomach. That being so, it doesn’t remove the fact that domestic abuse is alive and well within church communities. We may not see it as much because there are so many teachings on submission to the husband, that are not always accurate, or which, even if are faithfully taught, create an expectation that this needs to be worked at by both parties within the marriage. Often the onus is on the woman to submit. The expectation on a woman, is that as she the one who is required to submit, she needs to work on herself. The brothers I was chatting to, agreed at this point that they should accept that maybe there is some domestic abuse, but that perhaps, it was a misunderstanding on how the passages of submission by a wife to a husband were applied within a marriage. I asked what the misunderstanding could possibly be and was told that when a husband feels that the wife isn’t submitting, that perhaps, the ‘abuse’ was justified. Apparently, the husband may be frustrated that he’s unable to do his duty in the marriage. It took a lot to not throw up on them at this point. It is amazing that people forget that the church is the bride of Christ. I raised this point with the brothers that I was talking to and they were quick to agree that indeed, the church was Christ’s bride. I then said that within the church, there was often unfaithfulness to Jesus, and I must say that the brothers were quick to concede this. I then asked them for examples of when Jesus abused the church for failures. There was a silence. They nodded their heads after a while and moved on to another point on abuse.

One of the questions that shocked me most, were questions from my guy friends saying, “How do you know the woman is telling the truth?” According to them, “it is a well-known and established fact that women are over-sensitive and emotional.” This has apparently made it difficult for women to construe facts of what is happening and accordingly, women tend to overreact. The brothers in Christ who said this to me were seated across the table from me. I hope that they appreciate how I, who must by virtue of my gender, be over-sensitive and emotional, refused to let my feelings show by reaching out across the table to smack them and poke their eyes out. I stared at them in disbelief, and then I asked an equally base question: “how do you know that the men are telling the truth? Isn’t it an established fact that men lie?” I must say I rather enjoyed the look of surprise that came over their faces. They started back pedaling and I very politely asked them to shut up and recognize the idiocy behind what they said. “I get what you’re doing with your question,” one of them finally spoke up. I had by this time in my mind, played out the scene where I was the Hulk and they were Loki and I had just slammed them about before walking away saying “puny god!” I did show such restraint. They will never know.

In some of the other conversations that took place at different points, the brothers in Christ said that a victim hadn’t confided in them about her abuser. They said that they could therefore say that they had no direct knowledge of what had happened and continue in a close relationship with the abuser. Mind you, they didn’t call the men in question abusers. They used their names. It is difficult to make people see why we can be so unapproachable. As friends within a community – whether a physical one or one online, there are alliances that form. A victim isn’t about to walk up to an abuser’s friends and cry on their shoulders. Neither is she likely to communicate with them if she sees them friendly with each other on social media. It is hard to build trust. The brothers I was talking to felt that despite hearing about the abuse from what they deemed ‘respectable’ sources, they were okay to carry on close friendships with the abusers. They even said that the abuser had denied all allegations. Claims of willingness to go to the police, swear on a Bible or sign an affidavit apparently impressed these brothers so very much. I admit that at this point, I was close to tears. The onus was on the victim to go to friends of her abuser and tell them what has been happening. Just because she fails to do this, the abuser’s friends are free to disregard other credible sources of what has happened.

Additionally, these brothers in Christ said that the woman needed to show proof. Apparently emotional abuse is easy to make up and so there needed to be proof. Even for physical abuse, there needed to be proof. At points I felt my eyes roll so far back into my head, I was sure they were never coming back. In frustration, I asked them to write down exactly how they would like a married woman to prove that she was being raped by her husband, so that the next victims could perhaps then come up to them with evidence of their claims. I also asked them to write down the evidence that they required for damage caused by emotional abuse. They said maybe they needed to rethink this. I can’t say I was convinced.

The conversations at some point went back to the women’s credibility. Apparently, the abusers had long claimed, years before the allegations came out, that their wives were mentally unstable. This therefore meant that the women were now merely living up to their true selves that had somehow remain hidden to the rest of the world. When I asked if it was possible for the abusers to be manipulative enough to start spinning stories early on to destroy their wives’ credibility, the brothers said they didn’t think it was likely. Any disappointment I felt was already on a negative scale at this point.

Then there was the issue of forgiveness and grace. Apparently, the victim should forgive the abuser and show grace if there were mistakes made. My friends were of the understanding that reconciliation was the end goal. According to them, this meant that we should not show any difference to the abuser because we would then be unforgiving and ungracious. They found it hard to see that if Jesus was there, an unrepentant heart could be turned away. I used the example of the rich young ruler. These guys also found it hard to believe that it was okay to remove the woman from the abusive environment permanently, if needs be. They kept insisting that the abuser is given the chance to show remorse. There was no way around making them understand how such abusers are amazing in their show of remorse and guilt only to suck the victim into another cycle of impending abuse.

These are just some of the things that were discussed, and which completely irked and disgusted me. I was frustrated. These ideas show me how little women are valued even among men who believe in Jesus. I don’t think that all believing men are like this, but they are fewer in number than the majority who believe in Christ but who profess such ideas. It confounds me simply because it completely undermines the value of a woman.

God demonstrated His justice, when He created men and women. This is true. He is just and in His just character, He made us from the same substance. He made us equal.  He is also a beautiful God. He enjoys diversity. He delighted in the differences between us. He gave us tasks that suited us. These differences, in a fallen world, have resulted in claims of superiority. They were never meant to do that. Jesus has also demonstrated His love for both men and women through His death on the cross. I must say He was a magnificent example of how to treat a woman. He let women be the bearers of the news of His resurrection at a time when women weren’t even considered reliable witnesses in court. Sometimes, it feels like not much has changed in attitudes towards women. It is scary. In a fallen world, for some, who, when they teach about authority in church and how it belongs to men, and how they go on to grasp this ‘power’ with not even so much of a second thought for women, I only have this to say. We are equal members of the church of Christ, bought by and redeemed by His blood. We are His children. He doesn’t tolerate abuse of His children, and there will be a day of reckoning, when abusers and those who protected them or went alongside them, will have to answer to our God. In the meantime, we will do what we can to bring relief to those who are being victimized. We will keep learning how to reach out and we will reach out when needed. This is my prayer for all men and women within my community. There is much to do.