When Christmas Gets Hard

It has certainly been a tough year with the Coronavirus. I think most people are fatigued by all the changes the year has brought. There has been loss of life on a monumental scale. There are so many who have lost their jobs and are as a result suffering secondary losses like paying bank loans and putting food on the table, among others. There’s been so much loneliness and isolation for people. Some families have had to be separated from a loved one who’s stuck elsewhere. Businesses both large and small are shutting down, if they haven’t already. It’s been a crazy year to say the least. Then almost as if this spanner in the works wasn’t causing enough trouble, life goes on. Our own situations have kept going! I think most of us are tired out by how things shaped up in 2020. And now, galloping towards us at break neck speed, is Christmas. 

Christmas is a fun time for a lot of people. There’s so much going on, festivities and gaieties everywhere. For so many, it can also be a very difficult time, as they remember the loss of loved ones, deal with loneliness or illness. Christmas has got its lovers and its haters. 

In my own home, in true Malaysian fashion, we used to have ‘open house’ on Christmas Day. Family and friends from near and far would drop by for a visit, which usually involved food! Whatever the time they came, there was always a full meal, over and above the cookies, cake and chocolate that was served rather generously. The cooking that happened was just out of this world, and make no mention of the volumes! I think many Malaysians of my generation and earlier, will relate to these open houses that happened at times of celebration. I loved these open houses. They were exhausting! But I loved every moment of them. They were certainly exciting times. 

The way I celebrated Christmas changed significantly after my mum passed away. For the first couple of years after she passed on, it was impossible to think of doing anything. After that, I started hosting stuff on a smaller scale. I would invite different groups of friends over on different days. It was good having them in our home again over Christmas. This is how it has been since. After everyone leaves, I sit myself down with a cuppa, stare into the Christmas tree lights and recall past conversations with my mum after friends and family left after a celebration. It’s something that has become precious to me. 

This year, as Christmas approaches, I have not got parties lined up. Mostly, COVID sheltered me from that pressure. We’ve had all sorts of restrictions and even now, with things being a bit relaxed, gatherings aren’t encouraged. What a relief this has been. I’ve not quite worked out how to go about life during celebrations just yet, as I feel a sense of gloom about my mobility, descending on me. My rheumatoid arthritis has got worse and a lot of the time, I just feel yuck! It takes a lot of work being in a crowd now and I am thankful that I do indeed draw energy from people- that has helped. 

It feels weird not being able to go shopping as I always did. Whatever I can order online, I’ve ordered online. I’ve read reviews faithfully, made choices based on that and crossed my fingers each time I made an order. The knowledge that I can’t go shopping like I used to, hasn’t taken away the desire to give those dear to me, something they will like. It’s been stressful on the one hand, but I must say, that I have been mostly grateful for the options we have online. 

Putting up the Christmas tree was a “Herculean effort” as I mentioned to a few friends. I know this is the last time I’ll be able to use this tree. I’m giving it away after this Christmas. I’ve been looking at it with a bit of sadness because I like this tree a lot! It has been around awhile, and my mum loved it too. I’ve looked after it really well. Giving it away will feel like the close of a chapter. 

I foolishly ordered Christmas cookie packages, thinking I would make loads of cookies, like before, to give away. When they arrived, I sighed a big sigh, knowing that there is no way that I can manage this plan. 

I feel like I’m in a strange place right now. I’ve had friends speak to me about positivity, telling me not to get a walking aid because I’m not old enough for one. This has nothing to do with age. One friend decided it would be appropriate to chide me for not “snagging” a life partner while I had the chance. I wonder how being married stops me from losing my mobility. I did get annoyed with her. I’ve had to manage people asking me to do things, which I ordinarily would’ve done in the past. The fatigue I fight every day isn’t funny. Some have taken it well, some haven’t. I’ve had a lot of well meaning friends coming forward to cancel plans or rearrange things just because I’ve expressed how I am feeling. That doesn’t help either and I have had to speak to more than one person about my need to have this safe space to share how I feel. Sometimes, some friends just ignore what I’ve said – maybe the idea of someone they know using a cane to walk, isn’t very comfortable. Trust me, I didn’t really want to have to order one! Some friends tell me that I will never change in their eyes. Even this worries me. I am no longer the same. Pain changes people. My priorities and interests have changed. Some of my opinions have changed too. 

There are two things that I find hardest to swallow. One is pity. The other is the overly dramatic response. There is a handful of people to whom I can say things, without getting a pity response. They also don’t give me drama. That really helps. I can have a conversation about fears or how I feel at the time that I’m speaking to them.  I really value them. It has made all the difference to me, having them to talk to. I thank God for them!

There is one thing for which I am most grateful, and that is Jesus. Because of Jesus, COVID or this stupid rheumatoid arthritis that’s giving me a rough time, or anything in the unforeseen future, cannot change the meaning of Christmas. The celebrations may change, but the meaning of Christmas can never change. In the hearts of all believers, this is the time when hope against hope came into the world. This is the time, when God’s plan of action to set us free from all this brokenness came into action. Without Christmas, there would be no cross. Without the cross, there would be no guarantee of salvation. Without salvation, there will be no prospect of life hereafter., where our bodies are regenerated. This hope will never leave. This hope reminds me that I am loved so perfectly. Thanking God for this doesn’t feel sufficient. 

So as I look forward to Christmas, despite the disappointments that are coming up in my life and despite the sadness that the whole world is facing right now, I want to thank God for Jesus and for what He means to all believers. It may get hard at Christmas or at different points of our lives, but this is why He came. So from my home to yours, may the birth of Christ truly come alive in your hearts this Christmas.