The chapter on abuse and failure (2)

I think I must make it clear that when I wrote my last blog on what had happened between my friend and me, it was not so much as to point out the negatives in her but to explain the failure that happened as a church. I’d written a previous blog pointing out my own failures in the entire thing: as a result of my tiredness, I was beginning to rage. I do not come out of this looking virtuous.

Fact is, I am very sad by how things have worked out. I was even working on making her an heir so that she would be taken care of in the long run. I care about her and I’m sad that our relationship has come to an end. I felt like a mother towards in many senses of the word!

I am also sad about me. I am sad for what I have lost over the last two years. The other night, a group of friends consisting of friends from church and a couple of my closest girl friends came for dinner. It wouldn’t have been possible had my friend been staying with us. In April this year, I finally attended community lunch in church. It had been almost two years since I did that. Again it was because of my friend. There are many things that I could list here – but this isn’t the plan!

I wrote the earlier blog to talk about the failure in our community as Christians. I feel like I am part of the failure and partly that I also suffered as a result of that failure. I write not to condemn but to say “Hey, we need to buck up!” So I have no apology to proffer to those who were offended.

It bothers me because there are so many who know of what has happened who still continue to befriend the abusive husband. One of my friend’s questions to me was “How can I trust them? They’re all FB buddies and they still keep him there, even after I told them of what had transpired.” It bothers me that he still speaks in churches and gets the blessing of those in the know. It bothers me that senior people who are highly respected came out and told my friend that she was imagining things. When she avoided them, they spoke to me as if I was also a problem – our relationship changed. It bothers me that people who acted inappropriately and who had to be asked to please not behave in a particular manner, are angry with me. We no longer talk – more relationships burnt. It bothers me that the people that I had to deal with when trying to get help were sometimes dismissive. I had to speak loudly and harshly just to be heard. I could have just about accepted it if it had been the corporate world, but these were brothers in Christ. I am grateful for one, who I still am happy to call a leader -but even there, our relationship came to breaking point. He extended grace and helped me to do the same. It bothers me that I got so angry at the situation that was completely beyond my control and that I couldn’t repair things- another sin exposed.

I speak about this not to condemn. If I condemn, I’d be condemning myself. I have forgiveness and acceptance in Christ – and so do the rest. I know better than to condemn. I speak about this because we as the church of Christ are supposed to display His love and grace. In this instance, we failed. I know it will be impossible to get it right every single time – I’m not so naive to think that. But this is an important thing that we need to struggle with. We need to recognise the need for understanding. We need to recognise that we are all works in progress and so there will never be a perfect response. How else do we learn if we don’t know what went wrong?

I hope that I recover enough to help another person, if there is such a need. Right now, I balk at the idea and I know that is not godly. I hope too that those involved in the wider church, recognise that they have to also serve better. It would be good to start praying that should another situation like this arise, we as the church, will be better able to display Christ’s love. I hope that somehow, this spurs each one of us to strive for this, ‘for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them’ (Ephesians 2: 10).