The fury I felt was incredible. I wouldn’t have been in the least surprised to have seen a green Hulk in the mirror and to have found out that in some twisted way, I was actually Bruce Banner. It wasn’t calm and it certainly wasn’t pleasant. The rush of blood to my head seemed to be accompanied by some ridiculous thundering and rumbling of sorts within me. I was not happy. How I wanted to scream out from the tops of mountains and from the depths of the oceans. I was angry and I was also tired. Never a good combination in a sinful being.
The anger was triggered by the reaction of a close friend who took a few words said between us on a particular subject to a level that they hadn’t been intended for. In a way, she felt rejected and was probably in shock that this purported rejection was coming from me, for I think she’s more of a daughter to me than she realises. I can only imagine that she thought that I was joining the list of close people who had abandoned her inexplicably. I fumed that she could even think that after the journey we’ve been on. I also felt particularly angry because of the timing of it all: it was within the week that Patches had died and my heart has been breaking for him. I want and need to cry for this loss. I resented her actions for what they robbed me of during this time of grief.
Then a message from her came through, bringing the boiling me to a stop. She had spoken to the counsellor and had things explained to her – she now saw that things had been taken out of context and that assumptions had been made and acted upon. She is sorry. I immediately felt sorry too and am ready to forgive. Am relieved, actually. It was the perfect balm. Am thankful to God for this.
Her message has been on my mind. Her actions and thought processes have been formed by long term abuse. I have to say that I knew this and it still didn’t stop the hurt when it happened. It has been difficult for it wasn’t the first time. The difference was this time, it has caught me when I am feeling low. The ability to be more restrained and less furious are not working at optimum levels for me right now.
What happens now? We’re scheduled to talk. It is clear, we both need Jesus. She needs wisdom in managing daily relationships. I need to be more Christlike and less Hulk-like. This big picture is easier to grasp at compared to what it translates to in day to day interactions. It isn’t something either of us can map out for Lord alone knows what lies ahead and how each day will pan out. I don’t know. It’s so difficult to accept my limited vision. The challenge for me is to rely on God completely for I cannot fix it. I am reminded of the following verse: ‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.’ (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I cannot fix or reverse the damage done to her for she has endured long term abuse. Even the Avenger I imagine myself to be cannot do so, for if I were the keeper of the time stone, I imagine I could somehow manage to reverse this instance. But how many situations could I help and I’d possibly cause a mighty migraine if I constantly reversed things.
God doesn’t change the consequences of our actions. In Numbers 21, when the Israelites complained in the wilderness, God sent fiery serpents as their punishment. If bitten, they died. When there was repentance, God didn’t take away the fiery serpents. Instead, He gave them a way through. Moses was to put a bronze serpent on a pole and whoever looked at it would be saved. That’s the imagery we have for the coming of Christ and His crucifixion on the cross so much later. Whoever calls on Jesus will be saved. I get that.
Yet it doesn’t help me fix my current problem. The Israelites who looked at the bronze serpent didn’t die. It feels like they had reprieve. What am I missing?
I wonder if I myself am fully equipped and mentally ready for this walk with my friend. I wonder if I have enough humility. When our journey started, I had seen the need for her to escape the clutches of her abusive husband. I hadn’t fully calculated the impact of the abuse from her husband and even from her own home as she grew up. I never understood or would’ve been able to understand the damage such long term abuse wreaked. I come from a safe home. It is impossible to know of such things until you see it. It is impossible to believe the extent of the damage until you witness it.
Often the friends who surround us tell us things like “let go of the past” or “the past doesn’t define you”. These aren’t helpful. I’ve seen my friend balk at them. The past has shaped her considerably. We can talk about reprogramming and relearning stuff but it isn’t as easy as rebooting your computer and moving on with what needs to be done. Our minds adopt patterns that we aren’t aware of until we suffer some consequence from an unhealthy pattern.
It’s also easy to say “I’ve no tolerance” or that “I lack the patience”. It is very easy to mask these by talking about boundaries. This has been my biggest challenge. I am an only child and am so loved. I don’t know if the difficulties I’m facing as I deal with my friend are as a result of extreme selfishness on my part. Why is it so hard to share my space? Why is it hard to share my friends, family and all my other blessings? Why do I lack ability to give more? What am I holding on to for myself? Didn’t Paul pour himself out as a drink offering for the church? (Philippians 2:17) Didn’t that mean he served the church in humility where his interests never trumped the faith of those he was building up in Christ? He was willing to deny himself over and over again for their faith.
There is the greater example of true supremacy serving when we look at the story of Jesus and His disciples at the Passover meal. The dispute about who was the greatest is met with the following from Jesus: ‘For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.’ (Luke 22:27). Where is my willingness to do this? These examples put me to shame. Boundaries are necessary, though. Even Jesus rested. So maybe I need to be wiser with how I rest so that I can better serve too.
Yet, as I consider this, my mind goes back to the dispute on greatness during the Passover meal. Here was true greatness showing me how to aspire to greatness and He knew as He did, that I would never be able to measure up even though it means taking up my actual position of servitude. He knew I would never be able to aspire to true greatness simply because I suck at true service. I truly am ashamed, when I think of this. I have demanded it of my leaders and friends in church but I myself cannot live up to it. I am ashamed indeed.
I don’t know what will happen in the next leg of my journey with my friend. I can see now that I need to be willing to give up more as she works on building up her faith and her life in Christ. I am not sure that this would’ve been the road I chose for myself. I would probably have chosen roads with lots of drive throughs from which I could get good coffee and on which there were zero traffic jams or any sort of hold ups. I don’t know how to navigate from here. So I must remind myself again that His grace is sufficient for me. I need to also remind my friend that for now, I think I am the instrument that He has chosen to speak into her life and to walk with her. I am, however, terribly flawed as she has witnessed. I also genuinely am stumped – as she must see, for my limitations are becoming clearer. I hope she sees this. However, may we both learn to be like Paul so that we can say like him: ‘For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ (2 Corinthians 12:10). This won’t be easy. We both need to recognise and accept this. We will fail again and again and again. But His grace is and will be sufficient for us. May we learn to rely on it.
Grace for the soul 
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