Burying gaslighting in 2018

This year has zipped by. I don’t know if it’s just me but it feels like 2018 was just starting! Although it has gone by so quickly, there are things that happened this year that I’ve learnt so much from. One of the biggest milestones for me was recognising and putting gaslighting to sleep. 

I never in a million years would’ve thought of myself as a victim of gaslighting. I knew of its existence and have even helped others work through instances when they were gaslighted. So it was almost like being struck by lightning when I realised that I myself have been a victim of gaslighting. What a revelation it has been. 

It isn’t a secret that from a very young age, I was the target of bullies who taunted me for being fat and ugly. It happened so often: I cannot tell you the number of times when a ‘concerned’ family member or friend has said to me that unless I lose weight, I would never be of interest to men. The bullying caused a lot of anger in me and when I finally confided in my parents, my mum went to work to help me overcome the effects of the bullying. I think she did an amazing job: I went on to have boyfriends and romance wasn’t something unattainable to me. 

What I hadn’t realised was that there was a more dangerous act of gaslighting going on, which I never before realised or acknowledged. So many times when a guy approached me and when I thought it was clear he liked me, I would have a seed of doubt planted in my head by some girl friend or other. Sometimes they said that the guy was actually paying attention to them and that I’d mistaken his attentions. Other times it was just immediately pointing out how his attentions were elsewhere instead of me- again, it would’ve been contrary to my reading of the situation. There were times when I may have expressed myself to a friend very cautiously but I would have had my own caution thrown back at me with an even more negative spin on it that essentially said it was impossible for me to be reading the situation correctly. The result of this: I could never tell when someone liked me. I never trusted my own instincts on this. I cannot also describe the extent of the voices I constantly had in my head as a result of this gaslighting over the years. 

It didn’t help that this gaslighting reinforced the bullying. They were separate instances but they tied in so very well with each other that I never realised. 

Over the years, beginning with my mum, I started dealing with the pain from the bullying. She reminded me of who I am in Christ and of how my ultimate identity was tied up to His and not related to how I looked. This is not easy to live out. I’m constantly reminded about how much I fall  below the benchmark of what the world considers beautiful. I think Jesus would vouch for the many angry conversations I’ve had with Him on that score. Still, there has been healing: I was able to have some pretty amazing relationships. There has been protection too: I’ve never been accepting of ill-treatment from any of my partners. Also- there is contentment.

Yet through all of this, there has been one huge area that was lacking. Every time I met a guy who seemed interested, I had a million voices in my head echoing the doubts that had been planted in me. These voices were loud. They took over completely and they were loud and clear: he’s not into me; he prefers my friend; he didn’t mean it as a compliment; etc. There were so many things that had been said to me whenever there was a guy in the picture to make me think that he wasn’t really there that I had somewhat skilfully started gaslighting myself! 

Yet, I must thank God. There has been genuine healing over the years and even though I didn’t know I still needed healing, He went on to show me that I did. 

Earlier this year, I met a guy who showed me massive amounts of interest. It was a really strange feeling because for the first time, I walked away realising that someone had paid me this attention and that he had very neatly got us to exchange numbers. The next few months with him were pretty amazing. I constantly had voices in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough but this time I was able to tell the voices to shut it! What a good feeling that was and what a change in how I was able to approach the whole relationship. It felt good to not be caught up in a shroud of doubt the entire time. It felt so good to be able to assess a situation without feeling vulnerable as a result of being told you’ve a lower self value. 

I don’t know if the change came along as a result of a book I’ve been reading on how to process shame with Jesus in the picture. All I know is that it has happened. I cannot imagine it having happened on my own strength or through my own wisdom as I was so caught up in things. So I’m pretty sure that this was God moving me forward. For this freedom from the voices, I am so grateful. Am looking forward to a new journey in 2019 as a result of this. I hope that as I walk through 2019, I find myself more confident in my identity as a follower and believer of Jesus for there is true freedom in that.