When they don’t understand

How I miss my mum right now. Sometimes it takes a moment or a series of events to show you how little someone else thinks about you – even if they insist that they may be thinking about you a whole load. There are dead giveaways to show you otherwise – and no, perfection is an ideal and not the goal. It isn’t what I’m aiming for – not in this lifetime, anyway. I think a few other friends get different parts of what I mean- and that’s been the amazing grace I see right now. Oh how I value them. We may not even speak on a regular basis, may have reconnected after absolute ages or may talk often and see each other quite frequently – so the diversity is there in terms of the nature of these relationships. Mum has probably been the only one who got all of it – perhaps it’s because I was her child and she saw me in the light that no one else ever would have. 

Am learning that some people don’t ever see how callous they can be. The worst part is that some of these people are actually well meaning. Explanations end up in arguments and unnecessary tears sometimes. I cannot claim to never have been callous – but I do hope that when it is pointed out, I have taken it on and perhaps made a change. The defence of callousness irks me. On many levels it hurts me. I know that some of my closest friends and I have at different points brought up how our behaviours were affecting us as individuals and others. These weren’t easy conversations to have but the challenges were necessary. We kinda grew up as a result and the friendships – well, they’ve become even more special because of the depth added to them. I’m not sure whether this now results in me viewing the defence of callous behaviour as a rejection of a deeper friendship – I’m not sure if I would be right to view it as this but it sure feels like it. 

Why does this hurt like this and why now? Maybe for the first time in a long time, I’m at my most vulnerable. I’m often sleep deprived these days, thanks to the rheumatoid arthritis flare ups. There’s also a chronic fatigue that has set in and that makes it crazy at different points. I cannot explain how much it takes out of me to be attentive to someone else on some of these days or how much I have to say “pack it in, Anita” just because I want to rage against all things and God for the losses I’m beginning to see with my rheumatoid arthritis. Except to a handful of people – and I should tell you who you are – so I will send you a message quite soon in private, I cannot honestly say what it is I’m suffering or the extent of it because so many people just don’t get it. 

The arthritis sucks. It’s not something that I can just say I need to deal with because it’s a result of bad decision I made. That would’ve been a lot easier! But it is part of the fallen world we live in- what mummy had has come down to me. She was most afraid of this. I saw the dangers of mum being isolated – so I stuck around a lot and am thankful for some very faithful friends who didn’t give up coming by our home – as difficult as it may have been for them. I sat with mum and called her a lot when I had to be out or at work. Now- I find these conversations coming back to me. My mother supports me even now. The graces God has shown us… just overwhelming really. Both Leela and Anita Stephen owe You, oh God, so much extra gratitude for these mercies. I’m looking forward to the day when we bow before You together and whisper this extra thanks- which is really all we have to give. 

So yeah – I’ve been upset over some stuff that has happened as of late- an unnecessary complication of things. I know the parties involved were well meaning. I must come across as an ogre when I hold on to boundaries – and I’m trying really hard to do this with grace. I am sorry if I have hurt them as a result. 

My prayers lately have been pleas for grace. I’m not sure they’ve been answered just yet! That stresses me. It has made me ponder over and over again- I need discretion and wisdom from above, grace and in general a whole load of being more Christlike. I need to remember that mummy is gone and the friends who get me are there dealing with the crap that this fallen world chucks at them. I need to remember that ultimately reliance on Jesus is what I need to be gunning for. How this looks like is what I mostly struggle with. Is it the mention of His Name when I’m finding it difficult? Is it the calling out to Him in constant prayer that I find so difficult to do? Is it talking about Him with friends? Is it writing it down in words in various forms? How does this look, Lord? Show me? I need this now- I need this help. The physical pain I can handle – because You have given me the strength to do so. This mental/emotional pain is what I’m finding most difficult to deal with. It’s a battering on my mental defences – something that i don’t need right now because of this exhaustion. 

I have lately been reminded of another gem from King David (if ever there should have been an Avenger, it should’ve been him!). Psalm 40:13 says “Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me! O LORD, make haste to help me!” These are my words as I pray against the hurts I face from friends and against this ridiculous arthritis that makes me feel unshielded and exposed. There is one other truth that Jesus gave us, that I love. He said this prayer: “For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.” John 17: 8-9. This verse gives me a sense of peace – because whilst I’m struggling in my prayers, Jesus didn’t and He has prayed for me. This rheumatoid arthritis cannot take that away. Jesus’ prayer is complete – He sticks it to my pain. When I think of this, I can see how much He gets me. So much more than I deserve. Thank You, Lord Jesus.