Making singleness meaningful

There’s a sense in which I’m able to now make more meaning of my singleness. It is something for which I am grateful and for which I never ever thought I would or could be grateful for. It is the opportunity I’ve been blessed with to walk with a sister who has been going through a really tough time as a result of an emotionally abusive relationship.

The devastation that I see in her as a result of the abuse enrages me. I think it should enrage more of our family in church. The call for reconciliation shouldn’t be so strong in this situation, I think. I don’t say this because of any disregard that I harbour for marriage as ordained by God. I well and truly believe that marriages should last a lifetime. However, in a situation where one party is behaving contrary to God’s law, then the compulsion cannot be on the wronged party to stay put in the marriage. Nor should it be on the wronged party to seek reconciliation. We should be going after the abuser. We should be highlighting to them how wrong they have been and how there is a need for change. We should be protecting the abused. It isn’t just one person’s job but the church community’s as a whole. There should be follow up on how the person is coming along and there should be respect for how much that person may want to or not want to share. The balance is delicate. It is so easy to get wrong and I guess my prayer would be that the person who has endured the abuse would also recognise that the church is made up of flawed individuals who need grace to get by and therefore any response from the flawed would have its failings. This is inevitable.

I did say at the beginning that I see a blessing in my singleness in all of this. I don’t mean that I have been spared having to go through similar heartache. Yes – that part is true but it is one that I have always supposed that to be the case: the right one or no one. The blessing that I’m seeing is the chance to serve my God as I walk with my sister. She needs to know, however, that I have not the capacity to perhaps support her in the way she fully needs to be supported. I appeal to her to recognise that my stamina is limited, as is my strength. My foresight is non-existent and I am limited in my wisdom and my abilities. My heart is full of fear and my knees tremble at the violence she has undergone. I am sickened and troubled by it all. I am stressed by the intrusive questions and unkind comments or assumptions by fellow Christians just as I am worried that I may fail at respecting a boundary between us.

The chance is there though. It is there for the taking. I want God’s love to be displayed in my life as I deal with her in this. I want Him to complete in me the good works He started and which I often find ways to resist or delay. The chance exists because I have no husband that i need to consult in my endeavour to walk with my sister. I have no spouse or children, whose demands I need to adhere to or factor in, as I attempt this walk. This can be done and there is a chance – a very good chance that I will learn and be changed through her suffering too. One only hopes it is in a way that glorifies God.

There have been other opportunities in the past where God has let me serve. This one is different because of the depth that I find myself in with her on this. The delicacy of boundaries and the need for love and truth are truly paving the way for a more intimate relationship with another person in Christ, who isn’t a spouse but a family member in Christ. Had I been married, I am very sure that this opportunity would have passed me by.

To my dear sister, this I say: thank you for letting me walk with you. Whatever strength I have within me to support you with, you can be sure I will give because of who I am and who you are in Christ. However I can defend you, you can be sure I will because of who I am and who you are in Christ. When nobody else is listening, I will listen – or try to listen, because of who I am and who you are in Christ. No matter how down I may feel, I will rise up for you because of who I am and who you are in Christ. This is the blessing: discovering a relationship in Christ in a way I could never have imagined: sharing tears and some laughs, thoughts – both deep and frivolous, speaking truths in love, making mistakes and apologising – simply because of who we are in Christ. As you figure things out where the future of your marriage is concerned, and, as you realise the depths of God’s love for you, recognise that He has given us people to walk alongside us in Him, and they make us see things the way we may never have otherwise. So- I thank you for helping me make sense of my singleness. Just so we’re clear- i’ll Say this once again: I’m not shutting the door on a Benedict Cumberbatch lookalike – just saying! 🙂