Kissing the pilot goodbye…

Every now and then, I find myself locked in battle with God. It’s usually over men. It’s not very complicated. But then, I’m not very  complicated, I don’t think. I meet a guy, I like a guy, I say “God please let this be”, He says “no”. The battle goes on. I think of the Greek myths I read as a child – the clashes between the mortals and the immortals or demi-gods. Sometimes this is how I picture my arguments with God. I’d say something out of line and He’d send Poseidon to drown me or send some kind of thunder-bolt to fry me. I know it’s not that way but I usually associate events in my life with comic drawings in my head. That is how my mind works.

I met the man from the sky slightly over a year ago. We were at a party and he walked right over to me, oozing with confidence and said ‘beautiful smile’. I think I may have told him that it was my t-Rex grin – that’s what I call a comic drawing moment. The connection was immediate. We talked for hours. However, I soon remembered that that was all it could be – a long chat. Whether anyone else agrees or disagrees with me on this, I’m convinced of the Biblical truth that a marriage has to be between two believers. Even if you reject it for being a Biblical truth, there is still logic to it. I can’t imagine trying to process a problem with a partner if we both had a different core. I’d say I needed to pray about something and he would find it ridiculous at some level. Similarly, I’d sneer at the idea that ‘coincidence’ had a part to play or anything else that doesn’t attribute credit or glory to God. We’d have a completely different footing and the difference would warrant more problems than I care to imagine. Still, here was this physically attractive man – who was a pilot for a major airline, supremely confident in his looks and abilities and who was terrifyingly sexy as a result of this confidence. He spoke well and he had great opinions on lots of things. He was clever and funny at the same time – a combination that does draw my interest. Even more so, he was incredibly interested in me. He made it very clear in his messages. ‘Chocolate girl’ he would call me or some other caramel related name, which won’t be repeated here. He spoke like a poet and his words came pouring down on me like gentle waves in the middle of the sparkly ocean.

This was the man I had to resist. Resist I did. Yet, I was unhappy. I hadn’t gone looking for this ‘trouble’. I had been content to remain in my little corner of the world doing my own thing. I hadn’t asked for such romantic overtures that would send electric shock waves through a concert hall. I hadn’t asked to be with anyone at all. So I was most annoyed with God for allowing this to happen. It meant a lot of sleepless nights, reasoning with my jet lagged pilot over Skype from whichever destination he was at. It meant reading messages that made romantic classics seem like old newspapers. It was a badgering I did not want to take. Yet, I hung on to my boundary – with what I am sure, was a lot of help from the Holy Spirit, I said ‘no’ to the man from the sky and carried on with my little plot of life.

I was exhausted. I’d been upset with God. This entire thing was just uncalled for. It was hard to talk about even with Christian friends. Some made jokes about it – which broke my heart. Were they not hearing me? I was angry with God. He was breaking my heart. He had sent someone into my path who was just completely inappropriate for me. I’m not talking to them about it anymore now. I’m done with it.

The battle waged. I said very brief and cold prayers. I’ve been saying those for a while. I’m upset with God. On some days, I’m a little more upset than on others. It doesn’t help that the Christian men I meet, even if they are lovely, are just simply uninterested. It doesn’t help that even if there is chemistry, they simply don’t act on it. I’m furious with God for the stark contrast of possibilities that lie before me. Sometimes I wonder when I’m just not good enough for a Christian man.

I’m fed up of saying defeatist prayers. “Your Will be done” is what Jesus thought us to say in Gethsemane. He knew full well about the horror that was about to face him on the cross as well as the glory that lay before Him. My argument is that maybe it was a little easier for Him to say “Your Will be done”. I’m perhaps a little more biased towards my all-time favourite, King David’s prayer in Psalm 86: “Hear my prayer oh LORD, listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress I call to you, because you answer me.” I don’t think it is blind faith. David knew of God’s goodness. He had experienced it. I can tick those boxes too. David knew of God’s holiness and judgment. He had experienced it. Another tick for me. Yet David called out – in full confidence. Jesus’ purpose in Gethsemane was no doubt different. I am so grateful He said “Your Will be done” and that He didn’t get out of dying on that cross. If He had, I know I stand doomed. So – I am going to be eternally grateful for this. It is because of this, that I know God is good. He is good. I can say that over and over again. He is good. I’d like him to maybe just once, respond to me according to what I want.

At the moment, when my head is buzzing with fury towards God at having to give up the gorgeous man from the sky, I am praying for victory in comic-drawing style. I am reminding God that Jacob wrestled Him and won. I don’t plan on a wrestling match but I’d like to win an argument. I’d like to win. I want another man from the sky who is a believer. I don’t want some quiet, polite admiration or interest. Thanks, but I can do without.  I think I’m done with defeatist prayers. Yet, through this all, because I know He is good, I still want to say “Your Will be done”. The battle wages on…