When It Hurts

I don’t really know what the pain is all about just yet. I’m in the process of finding out – and how I dislike the investigation process! I’m stressed by visits to doctors and this is the one thing I’m sure I’ll have to do for awhile. Yuck!

All I can say right now is that the pain in my joints is significant. For some reason, I’m also somewhat fatigued. I find it difficult to do things. Today was one such day. I was unable to go to church or join friends for lunch as much as I wanted to! The extent of the pain surprises me. I usually have a high tolerance for pain. So the fact that this time I feel a little floored is quite unsettling.

Because my mum had such severe rheumatoid arthritis, the natural prognosis is that this is what I now have. The blood tests haven’t helped just yet and so the question mark still stands. The X-rays apparently haven’t helped my cause either. Mention the suspicion to anyone who asks, and I suddenly get volleys of advice of what I should start or stop doing. Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, it is impossible for me to follow every single lead right now. I don’t mean that as a slight to anyone. Yet- I am pragmatic. All I want is the diagnosis.

This period of limbo has had its effects. I’ve had to pull out of a cooking competition that I very happily told a friend I would partner her in. She’s been amazing and has shown great understanding. It truly is much appreciated. I’ve had to cancel some dinner invites and I did try to reschedule one within weeks of the initial cancellation as I was pretty sure at the time that I would be up to the task. It was a sinking feeling when the realisation started to dawn that I would need to order the food. I was still pretty optimistic that I’d be able to manage dessert. That foolishness soon perished on the morning of my do. I ended up buying dessert too. My friends who came by that night were just beyond beautiful. They appreciated and reassured and I was humbled by and grateful for them.

This waiting period has also made me acutely aware of how I come across right now. I usually stand right throughout workshops or other training sessions. Much to my shame, I’ve had to sit quite a bit for most of the sessions since. Over and above this, my movements are less than graceful now. I mean – I was never very graceful to begin with. But now … well, it’s a whole new level. It’s also not very attractive having to wear a knee guard or plaster over or under stockings when I’m wearing a knee length dress or skirt. I’ve not bought into the fashion.

The limits are also making themselves clear. I find that I can’t always do what I want – whether I’m on a break or whether it’s part of my everyday life. I’m suddenly slower. A lot slower than I care to be or than I can even imagine. There are days when even taking my darling Patches out for a walk is a challenge.

There is a very strong emotion that I’m feeling now – as I remember my mum at this time. What I’m going through now is no where close to what she endured. I’m crying for her – for all the pain she suffered. I’m amazed by her – at how she suffered, and I’m ridiculously proud of her. I’m also so thankful to God for her. I’m thankful to Him for how He carried her and for the mental strength He gave her. I’m thankful to Him for the example He gave me in her. My mind is such a buzz with these feelings.

My mind is buzzing with a little bit of worry of what this actually is and with stress of having to go and see another rheumatologist. I’m a little anxious as my appointment date draws near. One thing is clear though. I know that God never tests us beyond our capabilities. If this is a short term condition, I seek grace to be thankful for it. If it isn’t short term but is instead something long term, I need grace too. Admittedly this would never have been a test or circumstance I picked for myself, but I have complete faith in His victory for me won on that cross. The promise of no more pain or tears when His Kingdom comes again and the regeneration of not just our souls but our physical bodies feels even more dear to me now. How amazing the victory and the promise feel to me right now. If what I have is something is long term, at least I know that I can lay to rest what needs to be laid to rest, regardless of my wishes, without feeling as if I have lost out.

I don’t profess to be able to hold on so well at every single moment. So I am writing this as a reminder to myself – to keep drawing on God’s grace. I write this as a request to my family in Christ that they will keep supporting me in prayer where this journey is concerned especially during the times when my weakness hides the victory or the promise that Jesus made me.