Why I speak of my ex boyfriend.

I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m speaking of my ex-boyfriend that is. I don’t know how much more plainly I can say this. It’s a little worrying that even some of my closest friends don’t believe me when I say it. It’s apparently because I speak about him a lot and that must mean that on some level, I’m still in love with him. What a load of gobbledygook!

I’m not in love with him. Not the way I loved him in the past when we were still together. He and I started as friends. I met him just after mum had passed away. He knew that I was struggling with grief. He was the friend I needed and he gave me the support and the space I needed. We got on infamously and I don’t think that until very recently (but will save that for another possible post), I ever felt that comfortable with a man! He was easy to talk to and he cooked up feasts – apparently food works for winning over women too! The thing I found most attractive about him was his confidence. He was far more confident than me – which is saying something! He was secure in himself and I could be me and didn’t have to rein in my ideas or any part of my personality. That led to the other attraction – the conversations. Man! Those conversations never ceased! I remember 14 hour conversations on why I even believe Jesus is God, politics, business practices, etc. There were frivolous and yet lengthy discussions too – the identity of the Stig in Top Gear, why all my favourite actors were not as good looking as I thought they were, etc. I got him and he got me. He didn’t have bouts of moodiness and neither did I and we could relate on that score. There were moments when we could just sit in blissful silence, each engrossed in their own activity but in full company. There are so many more instances of time spent in such agreeable fashion.

The bottom line is, we were compatible – very much so. And we enjoyed the differences between us as well as cherished the similarities. We were friends. We were close.

The break happened because of one difference that I wasn’t able to reconcile. It was the difference in our faiths. He almost accepted Jesus but that didn’t happen. It brought an end to the romance because there was no way forward. There are so many people who will disagree with me on this and will have much to say about it. Yet this is my faith – and it is how I will live: the Lord Jesus above all else. Saying that Christianity is an organised religion, or is out of step with reality or the changing world order simply reveals a lack of tolerance that I confess, I’m fast getting used to. Saying that Christianity allows for two people of different faiths to marry would mean being unfaithful to God’s Word. To me, God’s Word wins hands down. I battled God’s Word – using very flawed understanding of Biblical text. I went to battle alright. I think my pastor who raised the issue with me can vouch for the battle I did. But – thankfully, God was merciful and His Word prevailed over my will. I’m fully aware that His Wisdom and Goodness are infinitely greater than any other wisdom or goodness I may receive. I guess also that really, in the end, no one else needs to understand this break….no one but me and perhaps my brothers and sisters in Christ who I hope will always keep me accountable. Oddly enough, my ex boyfriend has told me a few times that he knew he’d always be number 2 to Jesus in my life. Even THAT, he understood.

So why do I talk about him still? The thing is, he and I had a good life together. We shared a business, friends and a huge love for life. We met with a few car accidents, road trips, made jokes – some of which still crack me up, cooked a lot and had some other adventures which I don’t intend to document. The crux is, we shared a life.

We’re still friends. This wasn’t always the case. The break up was nasty and there were moments when we said things that didn’t do either of us any credit. And yet – at the base of it, the friendship surprisingly remained and could be called upon at moments when we needed to. Even in the midst of some heated argument or ugly blow up, there was an understanding. We could ask for help or seek counsel and these were given freely by both sides – without any ill will against the other.

I think we’ve both come to understand that we’re going to be friends for a very long time.

So when I talk about him and tell you stuff he and I did, it isn’t because I’m living in the past or because I’m hanging on to a pipe dream. Not in the least. I talk about him because he’s altered me in a way that I hadn’t counted on. He’s made me better in some ways, he’s given me support and confidence when I needed it. He’s brought out the daring in me in ways that I would never have imagined – we ran a business! That’s a side of me that I never knew existed! He’s helped me weep and equally has made me weep! He’s angered me in ways that are simply inexplicable. Boy, he’s made me angry. He’s made me laugh till my jaw and sides hurt and he’s made me cry hot tears of sadness and tears of joy. He’s made see what kind of a woman I am in a relationship – not quite the tough talker that I sometimes try to make myself out to be. The other thing is – I have changed him too. And just like me, he’s the better for it and it makes me feel good knowing that.

I still love him – but I love him as a friend. And that’s all there is. He’s not a part of my romantic dreams for the future – neither am I a part of his. But we can talk about our hopes for the future as friends often do. When he does well in business – and he often does, my heart bursts with pride for him. When he was almost killed recently, my heart broke. When he’s unwell, I’m concerned. When he calls to share news, I’m excited. It’s not easy loving him this way because there are moments when I remember the hurts. However, I’m convinced that the Bible depicts love as an action – not a feeling. Makes good sense because if we’re brutally honest, more often than not, we find ourselves feeling loving and unloving towards a person depending on the circumstances of the day. That kind of volatility is not love. We’re called to love in the same way we’ve been loved. And this is how I can now love him – at least…try to. It’s not a romantic love. It’s just the love that I feel for a friend. Hopefully he will see and feel the love of Christ through my inadequate and imperfect love for him.

It bothers me that people sometimes say I’m closing the door to future men because I still talk about him. I don’t exactly start telling my dates about my ex boyfriend! Please! I’m not rude that way. It bothers me when my friends knowingly quip in and say that I’ve never got over him. You’d get over anyone if you’ve had some of those arguments we’ve had. Still I know how I was loved and how I loved. I know how I was befriended and the friend I have been. I enjoyed every minute of it! I certainly don’t have to prove the point by wielding the next man in my life! I’m just not taken by some of the men I am meeting. I don’t have time for the crude, slimy git who thinks his “smooth” talk will get him places. Neither do I have time for the guy who hides behind the curtain of shyness and expects me to lead. So many men just aren’t my cup of tea – which isn’t wrong. I’m not interested. Some are – but then there is the issue of faith again. And I don’t want to go through this whole episode again. So I don’t encourage it. I’m making decisions for me. I’ve been somewhere and it was magical. I’m pragmatic and don’t believe that the only one chance has sailed past. Yet – I’m not living in the land of “make do”. I can’t just make do. It’s not part of my make up.

I speak of my ex because he reminds me of the changes made to me and of a time I loved. I speak about him because we are friends still at some level. I’m not in love with a dream or the past. I speak about him because he was a huge, meaningful part of my life and remains a part of my life. If anyone insists that all this means I’m still in love with him, then by all means go on living in the past if you will. Hope I meet you in the present some time. Let me know when you get here.